tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18083262288593799882024-02-06T19:58:57.750-08:00Linda's BlogLinda Clement, Parenting Coach, for parents who want to Thrive, even if it means a little uncomfortable work to make it happenLinda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.comBlogger111125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-86503319730960045202020-05-24T17:05:00.000-07:002020-05-25T15:48:04.242-07:00How to Help Your Family Thrive During Lockdown<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu0ONJnRwe2rAOpjZxG1IkfA6RhPv_OKWuCCNG6MVHnJRjpeqcyHNtBL4CXo92aoi4hIAN-qLsAY2YvG1Ha6xHz0mIWpGQZlnCkR4Wj0m1uLiS2Q25jkP5lZmdDry7hYZs1210os9lnds/s1600/31527121032_2a0074f19c_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/srslyguys/31527121032/in/photolist-Q2WJGh-8GwfhL-8Gwfp9-7KEa2u-7KEaxA-7KEe7J-7KEcG3-7KAewi-7KEdW1-7KEbrh-7KAdKr-7KE9Pm-3mrLAf-7KE9Bd-7KEbXh-7KE9kN-2hScgh5-Jy6pvK-sw8AR-qWeaG-37hMWo-6pi2Xw-7p3F6Q-5ji8gX-8mbHUL-5ji8Ge-2WibDc-XBAtHQ-RQ7Fyq-aqoCS3-9nJnvC-3cPqc-2iLhg35-bxcCTc-68xMmE-68xLXW-8963YF-9nJnnC-9zUCyn-4GSMuN-oThDJ-7jGHsk-jT4Xz6-oThCV-89LVfN-c6W7gN-LHMeCW-25yMDp6-PwodH1-4G2VMj" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu0ONJnRwe2rAOpjZxG1IkfA6RhPv_OKWuCCNG6MVHnJRjpeqcyHNtBL4CXo92aoi4hIAN-qLsAY2YvG1Ha6xHz0mIWpGQZlnCkR4Wj0m1uLiS2Q25jkP5lZmdDry7hYZs1210os9lnds/s320/31527121032_2a0074f19c_o.jpg" title="pocket bud by srslyguys" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">While we’re all living on top of each other, or as my grandmother
used to say, ‘living in each other’s pockets,’ I have some hints and tips for
handling close proximity with many people for long time periods.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The situation, the lockdown around the world, has created a
lot of stress for a lot of people who aren’t used to this much contact, for
this kind of duration, in this few locations, with this little relief. Other
cultures and the past have things they can teach us for situations like this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My own experience was sea time with homeschooling kids: three
of us together (our two girls and me, with dad at work or at sea) nearly all of
the time for the best part of twelve or so years, until they really started spending
a lot more time out of the house on their own longer and longer activities… Not
stuck in the house or in lockdown by any means, but definitely all together more
of the time than most families with similar aged kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Privacy in Crowded Places<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuhIlBM7IhGnjGd7tnBON8hc3dCoOv6xGK2JayDW8ScI0pCqwkKoj0TqkrKvDafTQUnGEVNqeIh8guruDHK7gVZl-ZUE8gS3hBOS9artX1QTYIiY2lFZb9KkJ1oePLbXbdTlFmPcwRksI/s1600/49231450941_d55a5ec6c5_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nevilzaveri/49231450941/in/photolist-2i1q4aF-2iak7bh-5oZqVC-2hczLX3-Jbrwcx-2aGtrJ6-2iuTs8d-9D2Z6d-2ij5zfe-MG2Grz-2ioo2a6-2htw12Y-2iuPFdF-2hMJbHe-2hNBtX3-2gMiwBv-DSd6fs-2ipAFkq-CLDYxA-9D2ZAs-Jn36ek-9D3145-2is7dHU-2iq6eRw-DacH2L-6drfkR-2ij82Ec-cbukTQ-2j4R3nK-2iuSir1-2iuSdxi-2d8nWpm-2is6MS6-2iYyQhn-2ipDebd-2ioS7fz-6bB8S4-2hMXEkC-hUYSu9-SZVvML-7dxLYk-2iTQZ5Y-2iw5FMA-2hNMgaE-2hMU144-2hMdT6o-2ij5z7D-2iuSiyL-YCzFLW-2eEVBXS" border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuhIlBM7IhGnjGd7tnBON8hc3dCoOv6xGK2JayDW8ScI0pCqwkKoj0TqkrKvDafTQUnGEVNqeIh8guruDHK7gVZl-ZUE8gS3hBOS9artX1QTYIiY2lFZb9KkJ1oePLbXbdTlFmPcwRksI/s320/49231450941_d55a5ec6c5_o.jpg" title="family, jhalrapatan" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One interesting piece I read a long time ago (source long
forgotten) was an anthropologist explaining that one of the reasons why people
in places like India, where many people might live in very few rooms, have no
need for the kind of ‘100sq feet of individual privacy behind a door’ that most
people expect everyone in a house to have, is that their manners are quite
different.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The definition of interrupting, for example. Here, ‘interrupting’
is interjecting during someone’s conversation, or talking when someone else is
talking, or seeing that someone is busy doing something and asking or demanding
to move their attention to something else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is also true of most everywhere, but some add a piece:
non-responsive people are ‘busy’ even if they appear to be doing nothing: a
member of the household is sitting in one corner of a room staring into space
and someone wants her to answer a question. They approach and speak and she
doesn’t respond. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFjYNQ-hEmT25Bb7PwqI-433uLqWMeBJS8vBAYQNBu4DEwURTIKmIm7aRNjIovklRJgH1zlcmLtTAkbyk6Dq75pXu8HQoCwp9twH5UYCAK948G_kiKtFffkwTp6z24XdwSD628G4Ahsgw/s1600/8940344135_111f90ec07_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/foilman/8940344135/in/photolist-eC2AQp-2hFvLcw-TvMv9C-24rpZRb-RHSPrr-SSfYi4-28BPmtM-YVb5Mu-2hPqoxk-2hPpAxU-2hPuLnF-2hPNLzw-cevfbb-KC53Lf-4mxjj-7r1Tgv-Y711vE-pa8TMy-8SEfvW-2gVGWV-6remTn-wqAYk-48tfy7-8gKEk5-HStHP8-25w2ewc-GWREX2-2inN7F8-NFXjti-UfyqSs-T695YM-4YHvA8-29XCpPh-ren7XF-GALpSE-PpSho1-8g5GBr-P7Dnaa-FcwsA2-2dxFJf8-S8BiWM-D6Zec7-5PV9MD-XMjXZa-ae239z-2hvTy8g-237eW9y-nzLxVj-2e4NBBP-4NyVvS" border="0" data-original-height="932" data-original-width="1600" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFjYNQ-hEmT25Bb7PwqI-433uLqWMeBJS8vBAYQNBu4DEwURTIKmIm7aRNjIovklRJgH1zlcmLtTAkbyk6Dq75pXu8HQoCwp9twH5UYCAK948G_kiKtFffkwTp6z24XdwSD628G4Ahsgw/s320/8940344135_111f90ec07_o.jpg" title="Silence by Henry Burrows" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In my culture, that’s considered to be extremely bad
manners, as one is expected to speak when spoken to, and the rank or age of the
people involved isn’t relevant. In places with very little opportunity for
physical privacy, it’s considered to be extremely rude to interrupt someone who
is having a moment of inward privacy, after the initial approach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwnFGRRLKKMldSjqKXLk1OXA-nRlLhOBACIWfWU9wfNy7DTqxJkVcc3IV-FedyrMFESDelhKNbS2VBFYLbSJgJwqY3tYJrPj-zy7vX0FDNB_o2aEYQqfcvfZ4OpPr8NmLQUGY32G4p67k/s1600/113458351_cfb288dd09_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/klipsch_fan/113458351/in/photolist-b2vdt-iJyZg-4ui3TW-5FExZQ-7VsgoA-5xYDWE-XF9qA3-5MY3iq-2h8oUZL-XZ7Fqm-2iK4XBp-ao4WFw-273UG1d-4UCD6t-nP4KBP-8Z7xcV-2iKmmZA-9bF4wc-Cdxudg-RauRDh-pzoWY4-aCt2K-U87rkc-6Lc9JG-74aSrP-eENHb-7VsgAJ-6MMUw-4BhJWB-byPxgQ-8cVEkd-7h8Z1z-XZjgqd-hbZLup-6BRX7a-KWrRjQ-YdACYU-7vfDUi-9MQJzJ-5U5yyS-rzsRxN-byPKEL-4v1Lcq-2iPesgc-bm3LAQ-awHRV1-eRUtBu-9an7aS-eRUFbU-eRTr8o" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1571" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwnFGRRLKKMldSjqKXLk1OXA-nRlLhOBACIWfWU9wfNy7DTqxJkVcc3IV-FedyrMFESDelhKNbS2VBFYLbSJgJwqY3tYJrPj-zy7vX0FDNB_o2aEYQqfcvfZ4OpPr8NmLQUGY32G4p67k/s320/113458351_cfb288dd09_o.jpg" title="Dad Italy | Dad reading 'Stars and Stripes' 1977" width="314" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I remember long ago when it was not unusual for even the
media to show this (My Three Sons, Leave it to Beaver, et al), with dad behind
a newspaper; even my own grandfather ‘resting’ in the living room, ‘not
sleeping, checking my eyelids for pinholes.’ </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Now, with all this openness and
availability where kids and adults are encourage to ask questions directly,
anyone out in the common spaces of a home are considered fair game, we don’t
have the means to make it clear ‘don’t bother me, dude’ without seeming to be
very rude.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Kids, even in public spaces, are expected to respond to total
strangers’ impertinent questions (like ‘how old are you?’ or ‘why aren’t you in
school today?’) when asking the same things back would be considered very rude
(like ‘how old are you, lady?’ or ‘why aren’t you working, old man?’)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq8WruF-FGCbksf0lV2728K-Q2rArz8hvqeV_IrQJvtCwDhNSTjdeU46SwgGuwkLBzRfgkqMfCrbKhVq_33LIYAjIiQXnqn5KEQDBPiVx80K0mCYVynRGYuxfG6O5chOuO8-bFn1CDK5Q/s1600/8269957616_1d11a0c93d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq8WruF-FGCbksf0lV2728K-Q2rArz8hvqeV_IrQJvtCwDhNSTjdeU46SwgGuwkLBzRfgkqMfCrbKhVq_33LIYAjIiQXnqn5KEQDBPiVx80K0mCYVynRGYuxfG6O5chOuO8-bFn1CDK5Q/s320/8269957616_1d11a0c93d_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is a novel idea, I think, for many people. Imagine how
different a cubicle farm –sorry, I mean Open Concept Office Space—would be if
everyone understood such a simple piece of etiquette! ‘Oh, Marlan is busy
thinking about something, I’ll come back later…’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">For this current situation, all social distancing from
others and staying home as much as possible, it might be a way to approach the
problem of ‘many people who aren’t accustomed to sharing this little space for
this long together…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Cabin Fever Cures</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When the smell of the house and the people in it all become
a bit too familiar, the growing irritation is often called cabin fever, from
when people would be trapped for the winter inside very small space, often with
people used to spending most of the day outdoors, working or playing, with only
one or two indoor workers most of the time (yeah, it was usually mom, or the
camp cook.) There are ways of passing this time that are productive,
interesting, stress-relieving… but spring was looked forward to with a fervour
that is uncommon today even in people who hate snow, winter, or dark grey days. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sometimes, people would freak out and bolt outside, usually triggered by some small,
repetitive annoyance performed by one of the other residents (sniffing or
chewing too loudly, saying the same mindless phrase one too many times, being
helplessly cheerful in the face of growing annoyance, etc.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here, again, the etiquette of more formal societies and more
formal times in history can come to the rescue. Making extraneous noises,
especially body noises, is optional for all but the most disabled of folk, even
if it takes practice to learn and to remember –it’s a relationship-extending
(and sometimes life-extending) effort. Years ago, a comedian would tell a big long
story about how incredibly irritating a partner or someone was, and then turn—as
if to the judge in a courtroom—and say ‘and that’s when I killed them, your
honour.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Formalities</i> like greeting
people who enter a room, excusing oneself from the table or the room (without explaining,
just saying ‘excuse me for a moment’) to make noises or smells or texts or
phone calls elsewhere, closing the door on an animated phone or zoom
conversation, reducing the volume of the media being enjoyed to the level that others
can’t hear it through the headset, bathing frequently enough not to have a
signature scent precede one into the room, and handling tools and cutlery with
care to minimize the noise, can go a long way to making life in a crowded home
less irritating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCQRYy0pYA3cowJw10ufg5NjN3NRzmsPhBw5aRIQWN6HshfbkCvc3l1JuxE_eZBXBrzNa7xHeWNT7fK6Ju8DXZznjOmkpMaw9gc4tTKTYmmlWmaVC6mvBPA7gxvJF4k2GIDTlQcRaQ0eU/s1600/36641384743_b05919ace3_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/147079914@N03/36641384743/in/photolist-XPSF7P-BJRPjx-vz62Dc-KXqFYS-XPSGbx-ddKLea-CrwSEn-2eKMp1e-D6aaUc-wYvuRw-TbQgPY-RMipD7-27n4Fbf-2i2xmEX-UhBicD-27n4EHm-259nPbQ-2hrHtSh-LB6sE-ryxkve-f1Zv9R-x8oFH-2ha91bY-82GtmU-484o63-aYit5e-4tuhbB-3N6BB-bnJAb2-2hJGRT6-fPxGqz-4oRYeV-gSoSRb-27n4DiC-2hVEvGm-251FLSo-2nEkS-T6MQUo-ij895V-2gtWjmw-n1TaXZ-6morsR-bnJAip-gSpzw6-7QcVF-27n4EmQ-2eTpuaQ-2aXR-2h5BuEr-2fhWHZx" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCQRYy0pYA3cowJw10ufg5NjN3NRzmsPhBw5aRIQWN6HshfbkCvc3l1JuxE_eZBXBrzNa7xHeWNT7fK6Ju8DXZznjOmkpMaw9gc4tTKTYmmlWmaVC6mvBPA7gxvJF4k2GIDTlQcRaQ0eU/s320/36641384743_b05919ace3_o.jpg" title="The first apartment in First Avenue Condos" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Decluttering can help</i>,
because visual ‘noise’ is subtly, but very much really, overstimulating and
adds to stress. Even just packing things into boxes or bins can reduce the ‘noise’
in a room enough to make it feel spacious and airy…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Lowering the actual volume</i>
can help, as can turning off the screens, computers, tablets, lights,
appliances and phones when not in use can make a home remarkably quieter and
less stressful to be in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Manspread</i> has to be mentioned
as a separate issue: taking up more space than your seat on a many-seat piece
of furniture is hostile in a not-so-subtle way, and it doesn’t lend itself to
peaceful space-sharing with others. When you need to spread out, make yourself
feel big, or ‘really relax’ do so in your bed, in your bedroom alone, or
outdoors. The need is real, meeting it on the only couch that faces the only tv
is not sweet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsonHRdgnS_80DuP9bRkHDJooe-MLTcRTcQMs2xqZOZ_ZvG3eqV8R0xp_KMeBxifL8EitvY4h3FJFjcUko33lu7iHKJ-fVq50sZJ976yAJGkt-4g2e6eTwDvgkR2VtkBOlrUmzVBvrg_8/s1600/5825022672_fa6ed05e69_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/amylovesyah/5825022672/in/photolist-9SJLio-gJcqG7-pVpVG-x9dZgq-7Jknc2-6GRNcS-Wd54U-beBtLK-beBrb2-2E32hV-nULmFB-8RFNTi-4UirZc-8v8Bmg-54sF8m-jK62b-axXr3j-8T9HQS-4wpgH-4cdz51-5oaePC-9dYDDD-2FVJWc-hG6i5P-6TQSr7-6TQStN-a4FpM-7Thm1U-5TvZ2s-9tFZJW-dd8Jxm-qbgBz8-a6q16c-8RLpiu-54dLFX-4JtEDh-pU4ngk-c9hyWf-8mofSW-fszHcR-BQjUZ-9vMXYQ-dgeVhV-bzhDMX-f9Jjxv-9Ef9cP-w8xxR-8hSivb-81jhAU-5XbxLT" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsonHRdgnS_80DuP9bRkHDJooe-MLTcRTcQMs2xqZOZ_ZvG3eqV8R0xp_KMeBxifL8EitvY4h3FJFjcUko33lu7iHKJ-fVq50sZJ976yAJGkt-4g2e6eTwDvgkR2VtkBOlrUmzVBvrg_8/s320/5825022672_fa6ed05e69_o.jpg" title="the crowd by amy" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Also Awareness</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is not a fun vacation or a benign break from real life
for most people, no matter how much they might have asked for one. Even people
who are not overly concerned about themselves or their families contracting this
disease are faced with worries and concerns over an unknown future that no one
can currently predict. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Will the economy recover? Will it collapse? Will
vacationing ever be possible again? Will our company or industry collapse? Will
we be living through another Great Depression or will prosperity like the
Roaring 20s come next? Will we ever be able to have a big wedding, a family reunion,
sporting events or music festivals? Are the concerts or conventions now a thing
of the past? Will there be pro sports again? Olympics?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There are many unknowns and unanswerable questions, today,
and they have been unknown and unanswerable since the earliest mentions of this
virus in the news. For many people, sustained uncertainty is deeply troubling,
affecting their basic sense of security in a safe, healthy, cooperative world.
Children are affected by adults who feel uncertain, and that may lead to
behaviour issues at a time when parents feel least able to support and protect
their emotional well-being.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWjU1cjPlw6bdGN6KPHaEXodigChedVJLRhAm1flEXE88eYvo-BY7DbCK1uv9P0ztPIaMdSdfPNdTqpC6TbL6-DV6mJbAlrrkar_TGrV0Or43Ydxi0aqBBqmC3qVD5KsAFuLy-_IgVGQc/s1600/3155357768_98233a10fe_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/adit_mawar/3155357768/in/photolist-5NQ2W9-boY6Fg-5dAxKq-2edBGc8-24yYzdV-2iP3n8D-2i3H9hK-2ixZd9c-2ipQm5w-SaMrKe-2i4B59e-KjAKDm-93kRsC-Lj3iF7-aKWsi8-6xRk5Z-dWiiUQ-boY8Hi-8zNoiN-8XNEKV-4AZABZ-AWgnTX-saVYgh-2iHNTH9-dB119Q-5Pv8yM-EWVAqA-7iVAFr-2i5FMEm-2i5GPY8-2i8B86s-2i4CV1v-2i4DTWk-2iUew9w-fZSkUw-63MRsh-Mp16Ah-27su92Z-w4ZrG1-XVfQZQ-2i4Avt1-2i3DCPP-2i5pPFY-2i8B82j-2i8yz6r-2iPjDUM-2i5GNy4-2i5qTrs-2i5DkKb-2i5GP1X" border="0" data-original-height="510" data-original-width="769" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWjU1cjPlw6bdGN6KPHaEXodigChedVJLRhAm1flEXE88eYvo-BY7DbCK1uv9P0ztPIaMdSdfPNdTqpC6TbL6-DV6mJbAlrrkar_TGrV0Or43Ydxi0aqBBqmC3qVD5KsAFuLy-_IgVGQc/s320/3155357768_98233a10fe_o.jpg" title="Empty Playground by Aditya Mawardi" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Add to this, the struggles children of all ages have with
changes –not seeing friends or family, not being able to go to their favourite
playgrounds or parks, missing out on vacations, missing their normal activities
and the people at them, far more time with a wider variety of ages than they
are accustomed to, less privacy than they’re used to, having far more
instruction from teachers than they’re used to, not having the kind of
assistance they get at school …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>What Helps</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here is a list of things that may help parents and kids with
all the things:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Empathy and Compassion<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Everyone is struggling. The
struggle is real. The more empathy and compassionate understanding parents can
bring to the table, the safer and more emotionally supported everyone will
feel, even with uncertainty, including the parents. Get better at communicating
effectively.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Alternative Work Hours</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If you have to live like farmers
or ranchers, with all the kids and adults around the place all day and night
for months on end, it helps to think of ‘work time’ the way people who live
where they have always worked do: lengthen the idea of ‘working hours’ to ‘from
sunup to sundown,’ and build in many, many, many more breaks throughout the
day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Y_icnotcziTxTUgj2EYYJI5iw5omsayvIXp1xcfi6o-2nAD1TSOGqLlyWqmU8mquHAJH5lrTrk2MXP-y2idhB_sID75pc0-VR4mSjcBNNy80gVVnmWoAxDbkqhT68i1OuLeD0WoKZrQ/s1600/6969282632_45d9bf87a1_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_mayer/6969282632/in/photolist-ZNHRMW-9Fpxqy-24bxx7v-bBRoVo-7WoJah-83hC2e-abpcVr-77n55i-2hVBN3D-2hkGFN2-25QLFg-b9JjFK-pRRUPV-qLkXLS-bVtDvA-7zus2R-8m2YAo-zBKBr-482Bnd-8LNy1J-2heoD3e" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Y_icnotcziTxTUgj2EYYJI5iw5omsayvIXp1xcfi6o-2nAD1TSOGqLlyWqmU8mquHAJH5lrTrk2MXP-y2idhB_sID75pc0-VR4mSjcBNNy80gVVnmWoAxDbkqhT68i1OuLeD0WoKZrQ/s200/6969282632_45d9bf87a1_o.jpg" title="Pomodoro Technique (illustration) by Michael Mayer" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Pomodoro is a great technique for
timing work periods and frequent breaks, which is more suited to the sixteen or
so waking hours, when kids might need something very frequently. Include in the
‘work periods’ all the things that are work: household chores, helping with
homework, meal prep, zoom meetings that are not strictly social. Include as breaks
anything that isn’t work: bathing, jogging or walking, eating, resting, playing
a game, personal care, meditation, exercise, staring at the trees, having a cup
of tea (or a glass of wine, or whatever.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There are many things to do, and
many things to get done, but relentless response to endless demands to work at
all times is unsustainable. Creating breaks from 2 minutes to half an hour, and
resting and rejuvenating yourself throughout the day will result in more
productivity, more ease, more energy by the end of the day, and a more humane
pace for adults and children to live. If it helps, make a list of ideas for ‘breaks’
if you’re short of creativity at the moment (check out this article for some
ideas: </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://dprhcp008.doteasy.com/~that40wo/downloads/nanovacations.pdf">http://dprhcp008.doteasy.com/~that40wo/downloads/nanovacations.pdf</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Consider the Manners</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Consideration for others is extremely
important in tense situations, especially situations that drag on and on. Think
about the impact you’re having on others, and be honest about the impact others
are having on you. It is not too much to ask for others to eat more mindfully
(and quietly), to be more aware of the noise they’re making, to be more aware
of the space they’re taking up, and the focus they’re interrupting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjarENqwgzqgcRszQU5gPbZJkV26NUsgTly9Kcz02lGskmOnK0FtR0dIWyaySy6-aT3MTV-4cXTVQVHasumK2Re6sFfDDBI3-rAbgLrHzi-Qly4mRAawaQyvPb_sLk1BY4y4iaktEec8VU/s1600/5402704117_358cc1f252_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/caitees_photography/5402704117/in/photolist-quZ9Gi-r8s9Xc-s3P5nJ-ou7fe8-7kjtLF-AVapqb-Maf84-7mGHty-9eqgGZ-9etnn1-7mGWaN-Mhq5L-9etmyC-7mCYyc" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjarENqwgzqgcRszQU5gPbZJkV26NUsgTly9Kcz02lGskmOnK0FtR0dIWyaySy6-aT3MTV-4cXTVQVHasumK2Re6sFfDDBI3-rAbgLrHzi-Qly4mRAawaQyvPb_sLk1BY4y4iaktEec8VU/s200/5402704117_358cc1f252_o.jpg" title="untitled by Caitee Smith" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is also not too much to ask
that adults consider children’s energy, activities and focus with the same respect
as they regard their children’s needs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Goals Get You Closer</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-0Ctt89OLeJQnm5YnnbE0TBoEYtwpy0fYrB1HXhnvnXkag36u7BW_X6ey_MATf9lTY5ad8WmRMifGmMGOkZmP9UHycZmZd1QYHDsuPPK7OLk4eVseBHGyydboLY8G6nYA-3ibUsTdveU/s1600/17079861535_e4044cbbbf_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/martijnnijenhuis/17079861535/in/photolist-2ij5z7D-coeCYo-PsRQtm-dbkMAo-6XxxgE-r9Yuu3-21kgH7W-T8cPk1-YeThPL-2icF5Cv-YuVYsn-jvKigd-2icF5DT-2bmv8h7-2is5QNE-v2AVrM-HMxE9t-btJdQi-YeTNeC-DmHTMS-22QSUaq-e1pNmi-XTWbCE-2iuvLsY-WTQjkC-YeTsbG-XTVPrw-h1sinv-WG8xeP-Ju9LEr-TaAvJR-LYDbLz-Cvvvp-25VUHoU-a2NGnP-2gFVAvS-2g6fs8h-dMUS22-s2hKMi-QxdCfL-Jw6YRp-KczxFB-hUWDN-d5NVh-7GFsUo-7A6esC-apbj7i-bowf3E-GLWpPm-286kKq1" border="0" data-original-height="1068" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-0Ctt89OLeJQnm5YnnbE0TBoEYtwpy0fYrB1HXhnvnXkag36u7BW_X6ey_MATf9lTY5ad8WmRMifGmMGOkZmP9UHycZmZd1QYHDsuPPK7OLk4eVseBHGyydboLY8G6nYA-3ibUsTdveU/s200/17079861535_e4044cbbbf_o.jpg" title="End of the Road by Martijn Nijenhuis" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As someone brilliantly said, ‘there’s
no fun in climbing all the way to the top of the ladder only to find it leaning
against the wrong wall.’ If you don’t know what your goals are, you are very
likely not to make them, however iffy reaching them intentionally might be. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That
is: if you get in your car in Calgary and just drive without a map or GPS, and
no idea at all where you’re trying to get to, you may get to the end of a road
somewhere, possibly in the middle of an empty prairie or up against a
mountainside, but it’s unlikely to be a destination on your bucket list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Family goals might include:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
want us to all be respectful and kind to each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
want you to be friends as adults, so you need to practice being kind now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I want you to grow up knowing
that your perspective and emotions are important to me, so we will make room
for all the voices in the house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I want us to work together as a
team, building each other up rather than tearing each other down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I want our home life to be
peaceful and respectful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I want them to grow up knowing
that the answer, at our house, was usually ‘yes.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That last one is mine. The others
are past and current client’s family goals, and ideas I’ve read elsewhere.
Yours will, of course, be yours, but never thinking about it is putting your
ladder up against any old wall, or driving down any old road. . .</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk4drigIBRiKaJZ6Azvo8WRHSL-slscbge1_JCDAdpzYLIOnhjT9Lab_XTuSjZkk5RxCQfSLfaoVLfTiU3QHul8GQzp_v_HAkTwC-t_prBUrBNjGfoYh0SGL91kuRrpw5EurwUq9P0FBA/s1600/6575310039_b15a6b82a9_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/strupler/6575310039/in/photolist-b23bAt-8cumTD-2U3ZDE-d95qq3-d95qXJ-2cD9McD-XC5VeM-2iUoKVL-pyvnDC-288bd3N-6TFkJh-g5u4o-Ksv52-3oxJ-6CVskV-4cpURq-57mnCv-y8xTny-57kodD-9eor9U-czU5GQ-Gporuk-2qtHn-7wFpWK-4sYyq6-f55PpJ-e5cEfS-XqvEk1-9hYtg3-pLc57L-K34Mx1-2iWwqCp-22ewAqp-2hmcVEt-jeqfaQ-vSUeLr-V1W8yC-u1NtPT-bv2bTq-vZQY6b-2hVrxqy-onEb36-2gvhJvN-99oa4p-8CPy5C-5ZNRba-7W5ujH-fqMjzy-8CLqgz-57qJb1" border="0" data-original-height="588" data-original-width="1600" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk4drigIBRiKaJZ6Azvo8WRHSL-slscbge1_JCDAdpzYLIOnhjT9Lab_XTuSjZkk5RxCQfSLfaoVLfTiU3QHul8GQzp_v_HAkTwC-t_prBUrBNjGfoYh0SGL91kuRrpw5EurwUq9P0FBA/s400/6575310039_b15a6b82a9_o.jpg" title="Family Strupler 2011 by ND Strupler" width="400" /></a></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Lead</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Children will not spontaneously
create United Nations-level negotiation skills, nor create empathetic listening and
communication skills out of the air. They need loving guidance as they learn to
navigate the complicated world of competing (and sometimes mutually-exclusive)
needs in groups of people beyond themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This means the adults in the
building need to demonstrate:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>~
communication skills that aren’t ‘I’m louder than you so shut up’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>~
negotiation skills that aren’t ‘I’m bigger and stronger than you, so I get my
way’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>~
working together to achieve a shared goal that isn’t ‘because I said so’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>~
being the kind of communicator, negotiator, team player they hope their child <i>will
be</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Kids learn almost all of the
complex social stuff from watching how other people behave. If you’re currently
struggling to be a good example of how to handle uncertainty, shared space,
competing needs, and big feelings, you can be fairly sure your children will
adopt how you do it, not how you talk about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Ask for Help, Do What You Can to Help</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinj6EliHGCyoZCdHtoSDmS8hngTKgAq1cIukJC6eEg52GX4SSdGz3V9HgIe5iJSOUP5vpuqigGzaptlXetJ77BkjLDYmOORb3wVVyhRfqby0nUEohDc6gT-AlGNDw5E7s3bZv3INyiqDU/s1600/77346889_91ec153c36_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/amishsteve/77346889/in/photolist-GfH7Hk-cx8M5J-QAaQB1-7Qqx4-9wTqmx-5nYS9W-9eMCqy-5uTCPq-V3FHGj-qZJ6Aj-4VvAj7-9rBwct-Jdz8Jp-d8CR8-2fgXBPF-rxZbnU-9wTqjB-9wTqkD-tniCU-7bw76u-oDAt1b-5nYLyC-79VxAK-6ziQVA-9pyyRN-6BXWrU-4G2aic-6zprNn" border="0" data-original-height="384" data-original-width="512" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinj6EliHGCyoZCdHtoSDmS8hngTKgAq1cIukJC6eEg52GX4SSdGz3V9HgIe5iJSOUP5vpuqigGzaptlXetJ77BkjLDYmOORb3wVVyhRfqby0nUEohDc6gT-AlGNDw5E7s3bZv3INyiqDU/s320/77346889_91ec153c36_o.jpg" title="untitled by Steve Spinks" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is help of all kinds
available all over, and (thank you, Alfie Kohn, and the brilliant book <i>No Contest, the case
against competition)</i> cooperation is the nature of humanity: we all <i>need</i>
other people, even the introverts who prefer relationships to be deep, close
and few at a time. People feel good about themselves when they help their
friends and loved ones in ways that really matter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Don’t be stingy with your
friends: let them feel great about themselves by <i>asking</i> directly. Give
options, if ‘can you bring me a Starbucks’ sounds too forward or demanding: hey,
I’d love a drive-by coffee date, can you bring one from home or a coffee shop,
or I’ll just make my own and wave at you from my windows… I’d love to see you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Reach out and help others.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yes, yes, yes, we’re all terribly
busy and important and have far too much on our plates already, <i>how</i> are
we supposed to cram in helping others, too?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">By emptying some of our plates
onto others' (see paragraph starting with ‘don’t,’ above.) Also, by <i><b>not
doing</b> some of it at all</i>. Just because it’s on your plate doesn’t mean you’re
required to shove it into your life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy8J_YDLcKH-tFBa_pzzCnCJK-IkmXIJLp81UDZEf_Dq5iHVut3mNEFHgti7lYyWBGCUwzuOJbKqvkC0aEI5zYe7oI2FlS0YWWpZ3VY3gqXMImqVTm51HLIGqWLzjIuKfBX7tF2C0dSg8/s1600/865905157_26b8589649_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/rexroof/865905157/in/photolist-2jvZrg-2jAwou-2jvyXF-SEsL9c-2jAd1h-2jvDZv-2jvVGt-2iPgfhb-7qCxNb-7qCxdm-5QuURU-2jzV9q-dDSKWL-2jA4Ew-7u5ws1-2jA6kq-7pfuuB-7pjkTA-2jAeM1-7iz5gD-Z8Bduy-d3bzw-2iWiTgX-BRGaf-24d4eHQ-3Wrwho-dJizBP-dJp2no-dJizDc-2jvXCc-dJp28y-96kXBu-7sZhiN-96kXyo-25dVwWs-96kXuN-4xvJzS-5P3SGn-h8kHNp-2jw49i-uF5AV-7nqVVq-7ubno-7nqVSu-5K3mg5-3LoDnk-qs1bQG-64ouB-gBfozs-yufo6" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy8J_YDLcKH-tFBa_pzzCnCJK-IkmXIJLp81UDZEf_Dq5iHVut3mNEFHgti7lYyWBGCUwzuOJbKqvkC0aEI5zYe7oI2FlS0YWWpZ3VY3gqXMImqVTm51HLIGqWLzjIuKfBX7tF2C0dSg8/s320/865905157_26b8589649_o.jpg" title="Making Cookies Step 8 by Rex Roof" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is <i>your</i> life. If you
don’t ever want to bake cookies (or clean up the cookie-baking mess) with your
kids <i>ever again</i>, <b>don’t.</b> You will not get the Bad Dad Prize of the
Century for choosing activities that you also enjoy and drop the ones you
actually hate. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Nobody likes the smell of martyrs and they are <i>very difficult</i>
to live with, especially in lockdown. Just stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And when you have all that lovely
time and energy left to do something you feel is valuable and important in the
world (and you’re buying your cookies from specialty bakers or the extra-value
shelf at the grocery store, or not at all), select a ‘for someone else’
activity and do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Take a coffee to a busy friend.
Ninja your parents with something they’d love –from handmade kid art to fancy
tea or a new book. Ask your neighbour if you can pick up some groceries because
you’re going anyhow. Check your neighbourhood facebook page for requests and
pick something you would enjoy doing anyhow, and do it. Volunteer somewhere
people are needed: a grocery store to pick orders for people who can’t get to
the store, or the food bank, or to drive for medical appointments, or cleaning
the school or, really, whatever you can think of. Call someone you haven’t
talked to in a while. Zoom someone lonely who doesn’t have kids at home, and
just let them watch your busy, noisy house for a while. Send a card to someone
you’re thinking of. Paint a portrait of a friend’s cat. Drive by a friend’s
place and wave, or chat on the phone while you look at each other through the
windows…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There are billions of ways to
help. Pick one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>If You’re Still Struggling</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-ByqbyqxttS4UXlElywB9nMCxcXeu24ETm7mPB8oDhlzxiXDln2tCalrGZHMwBzyESOWyR3GeDHfkVGqwSZuFb7WsrwDGZy4Htul8HuUEQHmaTfU7QtxfhAb_jX5wf_0my3agyff-Mso/s1600/15981635420_b6b5829b34_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-ByqbyqxttS4UXlElywB9nMCxcXeu24ETm7mPB8oDhlzxiXDln2tCalrGZHMwBzyESOWyR3GeDHfkVGqwSZuFb7WsrwDGZy4Htul8HuUEQHmaTfU7QtxfhAb_jX5wf_0my3agyff-Mso/s400/15981635420_b6b5829b34_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You are not alone. There is help.
Reach out. Be kind to yourself, and know that you deserve kindness, care,
tenderness and soothing. </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yes, even you.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yes, you, too<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Call the Need Crisis Line, reach
out online in a therapy group, find out what your benefits cover and access it:
therapy, counselling or written or online resources.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Or <i>talk to a parenting coach</i>
who can help you figure out your goals, help you lead your family toward them, improve
your relationships and connections, and build your (and your kids’)
communication and negotiation skills on the way… my booking calendar is here:</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span><a href="https://calendly.com/thriveparenting">https://calendly.com/thriveparenting</a></span></div>
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<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-82899039141041972442020-04-18T08:05:00.001-07:002020-08-30T14:06:59.584-07:007 Tips for Older Children's Meltdowns<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_BnggCsUd_tc8NUEy-v8mtTKAn-prRBavU8Y55HEWiSE9r9Se9hhBdjaXKPoq24YI8CY0vqanEH6FCkOJjF8mut2gmhR8tAFSybMdXhOB9hSnFWOjfbDM5ruB_ILuw0wdKxZLKF-8KCI/s1600/5093910979_842d071b40_o.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1363" data-original-width="1500" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_BnggCsUd_tc8NUEy-v8mtTKAn-prRBavU8Y55HEWiSE9r9Se9hhBdjaXKPoq24YI8CY0vqanEH6FCkOJjF8mut2gmhR8tAFSybMdXhOB9hSnFWOjfbDM5ruB_ILuw0wdKxZLKF-8KCI/s320/5093910979_842d071b40_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">A regular feature of chats with parents is the issue of temper tantrums . . . especially when the kids are past the age when parents (and our society) think kids are 'too old' for them.</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">No one is ever too old for a temper tantrum.</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">What is happening, during a meltdown / temper tantrum is largely physiological and almost entirely outside of the person's direct control. In brain science, the term is 'amygdala hijack.'</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">Basically, the higher (newer, more evolved, more conscious, call them anything you'd like) brain parts are offline: the body/mind has been overwhelmed by something (or an entire backpack of somethings, all piled on top of one another all day, or all month) and now the survival centres are in charge.</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBQLBGwWDtr1d4OZ_uf26KIJPzrpX2SjgLHLjXwjXlaFTjb2TCOyoy8OYTAxH5p89EmiAJ28qILNXafg0R3js4muosCuF4FG6KKLh5UyIGyjIBB98RY_PhbqxUd0fd-acU7lQzwjDpqr0/s1600/3409975634_7e11dcd3e6_o.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBQLBGwWDtr1d4OZ_uf26KIJPzrpX2SjgLHLjXwjXlaFTjb2TCOyoy8OYTAxH5p89EmiAJ28qILNXafg0R3js4muosCuF4FG6KKLh5UyIGyjIBB98RY_PhbqxUd0fd-acU7lQzwjDpqr0/s200/3409975634_7e11dcd3e6_o.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">Once the survival centres are convinced that dumb monkey brain that rides it has lost the plot, the only options left are attack, runaway, or hide, also known as the fight-flight-flee response. </span><br />
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">To be clear: the flight-flight-freeze response is automatic</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">No one ever elects to freak out, meltdown, or otherwise come completely unglued and out of control. No, really. Not even 'to get their own way.'</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">This response is biological, and whatever depletes the newer brain parts of options and resources will eventually push anyone into fight-flight-flee. A temper tantrum is 'fight.'</span><br />
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">While it is sometimes possible to get a toddler to back down, because fighting is just too dangerous around big, scary adults, often an older child doesn't feel so threatened, so instead of running or freezing, they ... well, the list is long:</span><br />
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMF6Ry32X4WwERELyGt0KWjtXi0iCtGdO7rmP4s6CI5hNudzhw7YjG5vSj0jjrar5qUdxrhwg1cVq2htwijYEViOVcfmXrx4M5bxkcTN8D4oWiNrMB_F4In2RiLv6FIhcH4ijc13LbWbE/s1600/278243753_86a6d09df3_o.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/gemsling/278243753/in/photolist-qA5b6-r4VXKG" border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMF6Ry32X4WwERELyGt0KWjtXi0iCtGdO7rmP4s6CI5hNudzhw7YjG5vSj0jjrar5qUdxrhwg1cVq2htwijYEViOVcfmXrx4M5bxkcTN8D4oWiNrMB_F4In2RiLv6FIhcH4ijc13LbWbE/s320/278243753_86a6d09df3_o.jpg" title="Before | Louise thinks her house is messy, yeah right by Nathan" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<li><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">destroy the newly-planted gardens, throwing plant pots, tools and transplants all over the yard</span></span></li>
<li><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">cut up the flower girl dress they're wearing tomorrow in their aunt's wedding</span></span></li>
<li><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">throw an armchair through the living room window</span></span></li>
<li><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">tear everything out of their backpack and smash it, tear it, and throw it around the room . . .</span>et cetera . . .</span></li>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;">So... then what?</span></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">Not super-helpful to just describe the problem, I know. Here:</span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">First and foremost, let's try to simply avoid them (not always possible, but easier than dealing with them) . . .</span></div>
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<ol><span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">
<li>Please become aware of the use of the word 'interrupting' as it applies to children engaged in their activities. It's an uncommon use of the word, because 'what they're doing can't possibly be important.' And that's true, except it's missing the end of the sentence. Before the period, insert 'to you.' It is absolutely important 'to them.' When possible, watch them and wait for a change in their energy and focus (they'll often look around, or fidget more, lean back, stop running around) before suggesting a change of activity</li>
<li>It takes a hundred million years, and is super-exhausting and difficult to do, but it helps reduce your frustration and their resistance when you get their attention gently and respectfully before engaging them in something you want them to do, or to stop them from what they want to do. Rather than shouting at them (usually repeatedly) walk to where they are, get your face at the same level as their face, touch them gently and say their name quietly. . . wait until they make eye contact, then speak<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqS3Ov4XC2iNDJQK0pxcvMfAf1GUdYYGbK_eEEkZBIi_iZSsE1qY6YaWKzw-2wSPbk3YhheJtyDz3CcQgHuaEHN-KaYlT4ALGxrXdAhRFkrC1gxBmyD5Fhp7rg15ojHM60LHqAL_9N558/s1600/3766009204_589788ea4b_o.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="699" data-original-width="833" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqS3Ov4XC2iNDJQK0pxcvMfAf1GUdYYGbK_eEEkZBIi_iZSsE1qY6YaWKzw-2wSPbk3YhheJtyDz3CcQgHuaEHN-KaYlT4ALGxrXdAhRFkrC1gxBmyD5Fhp7rg15ojHM60LHqAL_9N558/s320/3766009204_589788ea4b_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<li>Don't ask questions you don't want answers to, like 'do you want to go to bed now' or 'do you want to stop playing that and come and do my chores for me now?' If you won't accept no for an answer, don't phrase it in the form of a question with a yes/no response</li>
<li>Respect their basic physiological needs. When they're hungry, feed them. When they're thirsty, give them a drink. When they're fidgety, exercise them. When they're tired or overstimulated, rest them. Don't ask questions about this unless you genuinely do not know if they are or are not in need of something, like food. Offer the solution, and don't make a fuss about it. Don't nag them to eat more or less, or sleep more or less. They won't learn to manage their bodies by being bossed around for 20 years and then flung into adulthood, unfamiliar. Depleted bodies have depleted brains, and the more depleted people become, the more likely their amygdala will take charge</li>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">There, wasn't that fun and easy? Well, easier than trying to stop a strong and fast young body that's freaking out . . . which brings me to this:</span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;">It's Easier to Avoid than Handle, but Sometimes You Get to Handle the Meltdown Anyhow</span></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">When you have to, you have to. It may be tempting (and we may have a background of experience from our own childhoods) to shout them down or force them to 'quit it,' but all that does is push the problem further into the future. Future you will not be happier when they're bigger and stronger than you and really snap when you can no longer force them to pretend they're fine.</span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">So, the second list, is what to do instead . . . </span></div>
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<ol>
<li><div>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">Allow the child to have emotions about what's happening around them and to them, because fighting their body/mind response is a waste of your time, and only makes them feel worse, often amplifying and extending the outburst to epic (see above) proportions. Children are <i style="font-weight: bold;">allowed</i> to mind being bossed around, having their choices taken away, and being interrupted. Compliance is not a normal human attribute and they didn't sign the 'be obedient' contract, same as the rest of us; their emotional responses to things are real --and outside their control. Wait, if you can, before saying or doing anything, as more stimulation (words, touch) is often just 'more' for an already overwhelmed body/mind</span></div>
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<li><div>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtvAjlt9nhjsRSFwp2ZiK2rbPBRNviRuUtUk-3AJszH68D1ZU8gVQpK9mO-OA_rudGK4xTJQ2O2niH70173yJtMrAlZMou8AfLLZ-gbupN_1-Fcu79HWc4cu7Q03z30byHGdtM5UCAoOQ/s1600/458434770_c04a214490_o.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="851" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtvAjlt9nhjsRSFwp2ZiK2rbPBRNviRuUtUk-3AJszH68D1ZU8gVQpK9mO-OA_rudGK4xTJQ2O2niH70173yJtMrAlZMou8AfLLZ-gbupN_1-Fcu79HWc4cu7Q03z30byHGdtM5UCAoOQ/s320/458434770_c04a214490_o.jpg" width="211" /></a>Recognize and acknowledge their feelings, since they're real anyhow and there's no way to stop that reality, make it so they don't have to get louder (in words or actions; see, again: above) to feel that they've accurately conveyed the strength of their feelings (eg. 'You sound FURIOUS about having the to get out of the pool because you were enjoying swimming and needed to feel control over your activities.') You will not be able to convince them that they have been heard and understood with inaccurate words like 'don't like' or 'upset' --and don't be afraid to overshoot the intensity. Kids' feelings are adult-size and don't fit into their little bodies; they feel them at very high intensity, not mildly. Oh, one very big P.S. Don't explain, justify, argue or defend what you've just said in the hopes that it will minimize or eradicate their emotions --those make it a whole lot worse, not better</span></div>
</li>
<li><div>
<span face="" style="color: #0b5394;">If it becomes necessary, hold the child so it's impossible for them to hurt themselves or anyone else (when they're bigger and stronger, it can help to keep your back against something firm like a wall, and pin their arms with one arm, their legs with one leg, and their head with the other arm --to avoid headbutting and biting.) </span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face="" style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos. </span></div>
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<span face="" style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-size: x-small;">~ L.R. Knost, author <i>The Gentle Parent</i></span></div>
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<span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><br /></span>Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-66345087469745727082018-11-29T08:50:00.000-08:002018-11-29T08:50:06.676-08:0011 things really wrong with public school<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Would you let a child TRY school . . . if they want to?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> No.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In my opinion school is not benign. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The school system is actively damaging, particularly to </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">children's</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"> self-esteem and natural confidence in the intrinsic rewards of learning.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwv3hn6XQ6tCtK83DmcN89Nzelaihz5Zo4_2I_HED03eW5JWVRhkU5c7RDJ_fH38OWZ80WtiEfV4jK9oVox3nxAZKEOcgeyqv3dg2WyqPOwGuiHNofqeZWPWlclkdcuXw2IBjjO41cUl4/s1600/ClassroomPanoramabygrampymoose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2PSOxFc" border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwv3hn6XQ6tCtK83DmcN89Nzelaihz5Zo4_2I_HED03eW5JWVRhkU5c7RDJ_fH38OWZ80WtiEfV4jK9oVox3nxAZKEOcgeyqv3dg2WyqPOwGuiHNofqeZWPWlclkdcuXw2IBjjO41cUl4/s640/ClassroomPanoramabygrampymoose.jpg" title="Classroom Panorama by grampymoose" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwv3hn6XQ6tCtK83DmcN89Nzelaihz5Zo4_2I_HED03eW5JWVRhkU5c7RDJ_fH38OWZ80WtiEfV4jK9oVox3nxAZKEOcgeyqv3dg2WyqPOwGuiHNofqeZWPWlclkdcuXw2IBjjO41cUl4/s1600/ClassroomPanoramabygrampymoose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If a supervisor could accompany the kids to school the whole time they were 'trying,' it might be possible for a child to have an experience that was neutral, or even educational. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But <i>alone </i>in that self-referential, detrimental system... no. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When they're very young, absolutely no. When they're young teens, at a time when they're going through major brain development and having a hard time </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">even driving their usual lives with balance and ease, also definitely no. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What if the child could handle it?</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">While it might be possible, sometimes, for a stable, confident child to deftly handle <i>some</i> of what happens within that system --a direct conflict, say. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK_UvMPZuWZ_RlGiurfIynRG734l6XPfz2_QfSpduXaX7m3p2HygefQIOs0tPKBpnyEKTaG7snVsUpxLzMUD__jKMEZ5zL9MiHJczX0z_J8gdpqItJLTrDtGFu_shRwuDUpyEbXgXxQ5w/s1600/2513823044_5733ea7f39_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2RaHYKO" border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="468" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK_UvMPZuWZ_RlGiurfIynRG734l6XPfz2_QfSpduXaX7m3p2HygefQIOs0tPKBpnyEKTaG7snVsUpxLzMUD__jKMEZ5zL9MiHJczX0z_J8gdpqItJLTrDtGFu_shRwuDUpyEbXgXxQ5w/s320/2513823044_5733ea7f39_o.jpg" title="bullyingDM2810_468x720 by Pimkie" width="208" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But how many a day? Two before the bell, 2 before lunchtime, 3 more during lunch and 3 in the afternoon? Let's pretend there won't be more after the bell in the hallways or on the grounds...just because it's an easy day.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because then there is <i>All Of The Rest</i>. Most of which is never handled, never addressed at all as it is, within the system, seen as normal. </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">All kids when they first go into the system (at any age, even if that's before they're able to speak) have to figure out what to do about all of that: </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Do they stand up to the teacher about the bullying? Every single instance of it, or is there some scale of 'that's not bad enough to comment on'? What about the sexual assault? What about the child who is utterly ignored? What about the one getting a disproportion of the school's or teacher's attention, whether because of higher needs or just worse behaviour? What do they do about the kids who are left to flail, or sit dully until their aid comes back tomorrow? Nothing? Anything?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What about the lack of respect for the humanity, body wisdom and personal pace of everyone except the strongest willed and most confident? </span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">It was not lost on me while I was </span><em style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;">in</b></em><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"> </span>the system that I, alone, was allowed to wander the halls during class time, get up and leave a lecture while the teacher was speaking (without a murmur of reproach) or completely fail to hand in any portion of an assignment without it negatively affecting my grade. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Somehow, I managed to import a sense that 'Linda's doing something else that's important' into teacher's heads --or I was far more trouble to deal with than I was worth-- or both, so </span><em style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><b>I</b></em><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"> was respected (or at least not stomped on) when I felt the need to move around, or believed I knew enough about this subject already, or whatever provoked me to routinely leave the classroom to do important Linda things, like having a smoke. I was marked present for classes I spent at the orthodontist.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">11 Real Things Really Wrong with Public School</span><br />
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<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The teacher being repeatedly distracted from teaching by kids' needs, and by conflicts among the children, a simple function of being vastly outnumbered</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The quiet, seat-to-seat nastiness that the teacher sees but doesn't address (because: outnumbered)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All of what the teacher doesn't see (still outnumbered)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What we all know happens to kids who point out (tattling / ratting) what the teacher didn't see (because snitches are also outnumbered)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The teachers who are bullies, from tactics used to control the classroom (outnumbered) to what happens to kids the teacher doesn't like or whose parents demand better care of their children </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The casual violence in the halls and grounds</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The tremendous energy used resisting the system: being late, devaluing intelligence and high marks, forgetting (homework, instructions, what the teacher just said,) talking back and refusal to comply</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The basic lack of civility and respect toward (and, consequently, among) the children</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The errors in textbooks and answer keys, and outdated information kids can easily check on their phones (and what happens to children who correct teachers in public)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Teachers who hate kids, their jobs, or the subjects they teach</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The clowning, distractions and utter disrespect for the teachers and material taught</span></li>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPmygPK7o8sOAWEZjXaDFeiUrOKp4lbci-23JGB3L-cKxvyywtk9JxVmJDWTgjviBmWIjkob5hveufVfchFWx10OWeFZL3QVP5CoAWAnkxuf8jWxHMZM4kzaxEVj-Y4OmhNWtINoungM/s1600/4675715489_eb35a37075_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2zuUZYP" border="0" data-original-height="1308" data-original-width="1600" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPmygPK7o8sOAWEZjXaDFeiUrOKp4lbci-23JGB3L-cKxvyywtk9JxVmJDWTgjviBmWIjkob5hveufVfchFWx10OWeFZL3QVP5CoAWAnkxuf8jWxHMZM4kzaxEVj-Y4OmhNWtINoungM/s320/4675715489_eb35a37075_o.jpg" title="SJSA Grade Six - The Year I Rebelled by Michael 1952" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Read Michael 1952's story at https://bit.ly/2zuUZYP</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif;">All of this, without even talking about the pace, quality or composition of the curriculum, or its relevance in today's world (much less the world 20 years from today), the subjectiveness of grading, the unnecessarily contrived competition, the propaganda, the unnecessary-yet-intentional age-segregation, and the sexism inherent in the system.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Why not let a child try school, if the child wants to? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because school is not a benign environment, and few adults who lived through it understand the ramifications of even a short indoctrination into that system, for kids who have never had to live it.</span></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-58399138693035992162018-11-26T12:49:00.000-08:002018-11-26T12:49:04.019-08:00All Wrong: False accusations & criticizing 'getting away with it'<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir2Gq2HWlnCu7hRqBSzg2obx2VM9T6GKZ8yD-XC37VOAhMf7L3zG5hyUkpZvq4Zbzs_z9fOfqLa-e9T4oLy7-Gyc9ngEZSfsUwTlCaIfGqPt8ItsDVvAz69oZAiFaBUl1Jni6X5L5aAUI/s1600/2053436266_3cb373ae5d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2K4wd69" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir2Gq2HWlnCu7hRqBSzg2obx2VM9T6GKZ8yD-XC37VOAhMf7L3zG5hyUkpZvq4Zbzs_z9fOfqLa-e9T4oLy7-Gyc9ngEZSfsUwTlCaIfGqPt8ItsDVvAz69oZAiFaBUl1Jni6X5L5aAUI/s200/2053436266_3cb373ae5d_o.jpg" title="SHE did this to me!! GUILTY FACE by JJ & Special K" width="200" /></a><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Getting
Away With It</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In that other post, <a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2018/11/3-more-mistakes-critics-make-about.html" target="_blank">3 More Mistakes Critics Make about Attachment-Parenting</a>,
in the section about Misbehaviour, I commented briefly on that dire, threatening suggestion that there is something inherently evil in a child ‘getting away with it’
… with a note to follow up with something else to say about that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Hi! I’m back!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This ‘getting away with’ language really bothers me. This is
part of the war on children that isn’t even covert. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVjctmquv84vl0PcRJ5mVH5Aq9KTLxPHbTwdyptIntkgYQTRDenuVgvfwsI0ry0NRaqYprcbNRKHFLs9z6dI9pGjUN_sihAQ2YEAgTwHzy8JxKcOfsWAB70qnvG8T6buhdWv2_MNqEXxM/s1600/3924980314_c4db1f658f_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2PpQZCP" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVjctmquv84vl0PcRJ5mVH5Aq9KTLxPHbTwdyptIntkgYQTRDenuVgvfwsI0ry0NRaqYprcbNRKHFLs9z6dI9pGjUN_sihAQ2YEAgTwHzy8JxKcOfsWAB70qnvG8T6buhdWv2_MNqEXxM/s320/3924980314_c4db1f658f_o.jpg" title="Stop! by thematthewknot" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">First, what exactly is
wrong with a child getting what they want? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> Or accomplishing what they’re attempting?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> Or having a need satisfied? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Second, if they child does get what they want (which
is presumed to be terrible) what have they learned?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The Grundies seem to believe that if a child gets what they
want, they will have learned that expressing their emotions or making an
attempt to accomplish something ‘works.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Okay. Sure. The child will learn that trying to accomplish
something works. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Oh no. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Not that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtsmA63ZO6Ep86VWF_5DpeYyRU7VNnDYlg86YYYWgoOLs6Dyz9eIgNcibZEXsjefHUjh7YZB086j3Fb0fWWxsvJhUe1E0RCuifWU4p3G9En-BfHNianAw8SiCeKUYvm9WwZqT8SeGMCrM/s1600/9388708662_fdbfb4773d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2QhLgig" border="0" data-original-height="490" data-original-width="666" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtsmA63ZO6Ep86VWF_5DpeYyRU7VNnDYlg86YYYWgoOLs6Dyz9eIgNcibZEXsjefHUjh7YZB086j3Fb0fWWxsvJhUe1E0RCuifWU4p3G9En-BfHNianAw8SiCeKUYvm9WwZqT8SeGMCrM/s320/9388708662_fdbfb4773d_o.jpg" title="I Think Therefore I Am Dangerous by John Eisenschenk" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Oh, but I don’t understand, they say: the child will learn
that doing something <i>badly</i> works. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So, like trying to speak a sentence in a foreign language
and not being completely perfect, but still getting the hot dog you ordered
teaches you that doing something imperfectly is … somewhat effective. Cool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">No, no, no, it’s bad! It must be bad. Everyone everywhere is
certain that it is bad. So… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yeah, I’m not playing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;">Do you have any idea how many terrified-to-make-mistakes,
anxious perfectionists, afraid to learn anything new or try anything new, who
get angry at the ordinary pace of changes they’re not in control of are walking
around in <i>unhappy</i> adult bodies?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Falsely Accused</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One of the primal fears of social animals surrounds all the
feelings of being falsely accused. It is powerful stuff, our need to be
accepted and fit in. In fact, it is one of William Glasser’s Five Needs, right
after #1 Physical Security (food, shelter, sleep) --#2 Love and a Sense of
Belonging. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A need. Love and a sense of belonging is a need. When that need is frustrated . . . it feels terrible.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikHFIDURM3sqQgOVBhp8yWgc-QY9EGfMBZLjneAEopVlvEXJ1x_alRSq__eWwvo_qmpsfVHs7uIhc4H87opJeyd5GAnIqncum6pe9sTo9P6o1w2qETK5v_hKlny14A8PXCzMPKOovNEGQ/s1600/3045949192_e6e7cfcd36_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2DMKwet" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikHFIDURM3sqQgOVBhp8yWgc-QY9EGfMBZLjneAEopVlvEXJ1x_alRSq__eWwvo_qmpsfVHs7uIhc4H87opJeyd5GAnIqncum6pe9sTo9P6o1w2qETK5v_hKlny14A8PXCzMPKOovNEGQ/s320/3045949192_e6e7cfcd36_o.jpg" title="J'accuse by Lachlan Hardy" width="320" /></a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394;">Being accused of having done something, or meant something, or
gotten away with something wicked is a horrible feeling, connected with that
very social emotion: </span><span style="background-color: #f4cccc; color: #660000;">shame</span></span><span style="color: #0b5394;">.</span></span></blockquote>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbvBKJrHZ2fj3mwIKPqJamGGIA5ahtY1graNmeQk13E06iX8nVxVDydJcBkTA91QaQxv3rJBa9ee7BVOdcqMu8RuCns6IbRzyutjdhhGja-0sXgAJ240lztSEPNqlifUO66npWWjnjuu0/s1600/3310524700_0ea67aac1e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2PZRrrN" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbvBKJrHZ2fj3mwIKPqJamGGIA5ahtY1graNmeQk13E06iX8nVxVDydJcBkTA91QaQxv3rJBa9ee7BVOdcqMu8RuCns6IbRzyutjdhhGja-0sXgAJ240lztSEPNqlifUO66npWWjnjuu0/s320/3310524700_0ea67aac1e_o.jpg" title="Little red-headed ghost by Scott Granneman" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">There is a deep and dark feeling associated with being
accused of ‘getting away’ with something. Of course, no one ever accuses anyone
of trying to ‘get away with’ being helpful or generous or fun to be around. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Nope, this is one of the dark triad of experiences people desire to never feel
again: ganged up on, falsely accused, totally ghosted. They are in that order
for a reason. Those go from being terrible to traumatic to being life-altering-level
terrible.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Notice how being ganged up on is actually not so bad?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yeah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So, when people suggest that parents are ‘letting their kids
get away with’ something, parents feel immediately hunted, haunted, and
genuinely fearful for their social safety: will they (or their children) be
ghosted, if this accusation gets to stand?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The deep and immediate shame, and desire to never have that
accusation come around again, has a very negative impact on people. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBVaHWNahvPex2hJs0c88ml8ohEEtki6K3N8QyC2R-ZAQwbJa71XfCG_JKrpVxnb5c6ZXgIshbHLk8dsY9mAOdOVdzXLWSQtYibq9VmgzNXtFQtoTx-k_f0gMbQXXbs8Q38CMVotpi0I/s1600/6695618061_4b6f9e9b15_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2KyGiZ2" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBVaHWNahvPex2hJs0c88ml8ohEEtki6K3N8QyC2R-ZAQwbJa71XfCG_JKrpVxnb5c6ZXgIshbHLk8dsY9mAOdOVdzXLWSQtYibq9VmgzNXtFQtoTx-k_f0gMbQXXbs8Q38CMVotpi0I/s320/6695618061_4b6f9e9b15_o.jpg" title="Halo by Jim Champion" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Funny, how
the majority of people who say it, if confronted with what it really means,
think they don’t really mean that at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">People are like that: completely onside with whatever kind
of horrible treatment someone else deserves, until someone suggests that maybe
their dark fantasies say something about their character that they don’t really
want noticed.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Children are CHILDREN</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When kids want what they want, how are they different from when adults want what they want?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Why is it bad, children wanting things?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Why would it be bad for them to get what they want, and what they need? </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Where does this stuff come from? This 'it's bad to want things' and 'it's bad to attempt to get things' and 'it's monstrous to express feelings' stuff?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Is it because these <i>unhappy</i> (perfectionist, afraid to make a mistake, that whole list from up there...) adults were shamed for wanting? Because they were punished for expressing feelings? Because they were tormented for making mistakes? </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif;">Okay, probably . . . but what has that got to do with any child alive today?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Children are innocent of all of trespasses against their
parents’ generation by anyone older than their parents, because they are the
children -–not the parents of their parents. They aren’t even the overlords of their parents.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They're children, fer cryin’ out loud!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When kids want what they want, how are they different from
when adults want what they want?</span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji57CNMIZQnsRF4q_s5Q2Yq5BvrZSkq6Ij0Ie0-tjvI_IN210y7OjChim-8O1FHpPpdwKBtrCerMfa83ENA6nqgWk01AbnFtk9MND2L24FLascfs3hId1gzLP_4KRVQQdvOtQut_VqDaE/s1600/6860730541_4d6e03a73c_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2Sgeyew" border="0" data-original-height="739" data-original-width="1100" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji57CNMIZQnsRF4q_s5Q2Yq5BvrZSkq6Ij0Ie0-tjvI_IN210y7OjChim-8O1FHpPpdwKBtrCerMfa83ENA6nqgWk01AbnFtk9MND2L24FLascfs3hId1gzLP_4KRVQQdvOtQut_VqDaE/s200/6860730541_4d6e03a73c_o.jpg" title="Destitute by Ganesh Dhamodkar" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In practical terms the difference between an
adult’s desires being thwarted and a child’s is indistinguishable. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">What is it about those bleak feelings, of knowing that you can’t afford something, and how uncomfortable it is to have that reality made blatant by a child’s simple wishing, that makes the kids wrong for wishing?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When kids actually get what they want … ooh, surely <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> is bad, isn’t it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When people win a draw for an all-inclusive vacation at
work, that’s bad, right? People shame them for ‘getting away with’ working
inattentively from time to time, and not being super nice to that creep in the
mail room…? No? Really?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMh5tiYq3Bmluzu0qAiizipEmaK0T1lRgvSbwf-sYjNoOnmkQGamUROQG3rSh4zfs3Q6QL4mQs1TYadX4hybkfrxtDjtsmxm5IRRBwDL2UcImbliWjVqbJpWX9zxV1g1EZg4LH-78OCBg/s1600/2421427656_7158dc0b94_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2AropHb" border="0" data-original-height="422" data-original-width="276" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMh5tiYq3Bmluzu0qAiizipEmaK0T1lRgvSbwf-sYjNoOnmkQGamUROQG3rSh4zfs3Q6QL4mQs1TYadX4hybkfrxtDjtsmxm5IRRBwDL2UcImbliWjVqbJpWX9zxV1g1EZg4LH-78OCBg/s200/2421427656_7158dc0b94_o.jpg" title="BLACK ICE by anuarsalleh" width="130" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because people get right shirty about little kids getting
the candy they asked for (except at Halloween, Christmas and Easter, for some
reason no one can explain) … as if they are ‘getting away with’ something
nefarious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Kids are really not capable of nefarious. Really. They can’t
even recognize that other people have a completely different experience of the
world from themselves until they’re at least 10… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Capable of strategizing to overthrow the adults? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Please.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">We Gotta Talk About
These Vengeful Fantasies</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is something really disturbing running under the surface
of ‘children are our future’ and ‘children are so precious’ that makes otherwise
seemingly rational adults get really <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">weird</i>
about kids getting what they want, what they ask for, or {{horrors}} what they
need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This all is, I think, evidence of a long-ago contract,
signed unilaterally with the universe (see the <a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2010/04/insanity-box.html" target="_blank">Insanity Box</a> for more on this
idea) that had a clause in it that reads something like:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #073763; font-size: large;">Fine. FINE! I will swallow this
crap without bitching endlessly about it <i>now</i>,
but boy, when it’s my turn, I get to do <b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i></b> the same thing to every kid
this age! {shake fist at sky}</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This child-abuse-provokes-abuse-of-new-children thing is
really old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sure, it’s not fair. Fine. You had to suck it up to survive.
Congratulations, your life sucked, your parents sucked, everything in the universe
sucked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidfqCeQEsnORcpzuxk0GwPBagoh22VTspDrDcBcERHvYH7jW8nDqMIRA7taB2fotBhKvn5vuH6lqgaPBUIzUDtwOpcEHM-xj8s-7SXOm9eOXrmDykO5r-_xJ1Qn57YfvjQN_pCgrBHsk0/s1600/4488708739_3d00c8326a_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="4488708739_3d00c8326a_o" border="0" data-original-height="648" data-original-width="1152" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidfqCeQEsnORcpzuxk0GwPBagoh22VTspDrDcBcERHvYH7jW8nDqMIRA7taB2fotBhKvn5vuH6lqgaPBUIzUDtwOpcEHM-xj8s-7SXOm9eOXrmDykO5r-_xJ1Qn57YfvjQN_pCgrBHsk0/s320/4488708739_3d00c8326a_o.jpg" title="Good Morning!!! by Vinoth Chandar" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The children alive today did not do that to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They did not even wish it on you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It has nothing to do with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Free them from it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Let go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Let's All Get Some
Therapy</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">An adult who can look into the face of a completely innocent
child and seek revenge for what was done by the adults of their
world when <i>they</i> were children… that needs help. Professional help. Lots of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That is not mentally healthy, balanced, sensible or, frankly,
fair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY3YiynuuEFxusKpdt9oAdG-jGKdp_Woq5h6Harn2iBbR1XUFOUIN7vNeaBGBjhtJJFpdCQr8U6Co-1x50fr-OS69uMqlqy6dBhw_MTEnf_lUt4Jla_BNxVfC-bX1GKW_NMsVysAzhXeE/s1600/11208031766_18b2fa4c0b_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2DINcts" border="0" data-original-height="1044" data-original-width="1600" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY3YiynuuEFxusKpdt9oAdG-jGKdp_Woq5h6Harn2iBbR1XUFOUIN7vNeaBGBjhtJJFpdCQr8U6Co-1x50fr-OS69uMqlqy6dBhw_MTEnf_lUt4Jla_BNxVfC-bX1GKW_NMsVysAzhXeE/s320/11208031766_18b2fa4c0b_o.jpg" title="Stairway to Heaven by Abir Chandra" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When children get what they need, that is good. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is good in exactly
the same way it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bad</i> that the adults of today did <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> get what they needed
when they were children. That was bad and wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Children today getting what they need is good, and right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Please stop polluting the future with the past.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-21872160501678102622018-11-21T08:50:00.000-08:002018-11-21T08:50:02.671-08:003 More Mistakes Critics Make About Attachment Parenting<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The to-be-continue post (<a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2018/11/contrasting-attachment-parenting-with.html" target="_blank">Contrasting Attachment-Parenting with Child Hate, Childism and Misoproliny</a>) was all about the kind of mainstream parenting
that attachment-style parenting isn’t. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">This one is about all the types of
parenting it is often accused of being instead.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB2o6nIF2fhaDqlFBvZqpi0WdAXe6drxBbITve8k-0Na8owmZjLgpE_bMCV0ieztusLqbJx7QhRMm9QMeXDJsHM1nqsk2x0mza23yOOL5V2O9r3BAGGq0VcBxxlzv9q1ReQDe26e7Pusc/s1600/6063232767_ee9065243b_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2B1nyhQ" border="0" data-original-height="612" data-original-width="612" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB2o6nIF2fhaDqlFBvZqpi0WdAXe6drxBbITve8k-0Na8owmZjLgpE_bMCV0ieztusLqbJx7QhRMm9QMeXDJsHM1nqsk2x0mza23yOOL5V2O9r3BAGGq0VcBxxlzv9q1ReQDe26e7Pusc/s320/6063232767_ee9065243b_o.jpg" title="Hippie Parenting #sf by Sarah Wulfeck" width="320" /></a></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Permissive,
Hippy-Flippy, Woo-woo Non-Parenting<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yeah, that. Attachment-style parenting isn’t that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is not permissive. It may look like it to the folks still
living over there on the mainstream parenting channel, thinking that the only
safe or sane way to get an infant to adulthood without turning them into axe
murderers or basement trolls who never get a job is harsh treatment or 'tough love' … but since both of those
results are far more common from the mainstream … let me explain the
difference.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am sitting at a playground, watching my kids. There are
not many other kids around, because that’s not an accident –dinner time is a
great time to be at the playground if you want to actually sit down and not be
mediating the war over the sandbox toys. One of my children is climbing up the
slide, down the ladder, up the slide, down the ladder. Some helpful and kind
grandmotherly type wanders up behind me, protesting and asking me why I don’t
stop her. I can’t remember now if the problem was that she was breaking the
slide rules (no climbing the slide) or because of how lethal climbing down the
ladder clearly was. I also don’t remember what I said to Nice Old Lady. It was
polite, but I clearly disagreed with her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVFrbjmQIEvXK4wXFC1x5Up8Gk-xC8TabgE_GdciavRspmqNL7idRZoGKnxmeXfl6_PiDCeROFcfTGmAkyadZTGiV2p3ufNK41O2kbNS_Wz6X7uCWRa4Xenpqz-2F12PIg1RcLMbz4_nk/s1600/34691731960_297cac86de_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2ODv325" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVFrbjmQIEvXK4wXFC1x5Up8Gk-xC8TabgE_GdciavRspmqNL7idRZoGKnxmeXfl6_PiDCeROFcfTGmAkyadZTGiV2p3ufNK41O2kbNS_Wz6X7uCWRa4Xenpqz-2F12PIg1RcLMbz4_nk/s320/34691731960_297cac86de_o.jpg" title="Attempting to scale the slide by Quinn Dombrowski" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My kids did not need any help at all in deciding how to use
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">children’s</i> playthings. If the
inventor of slides only meant them for going down, the design was seriously
flawed –up was available, fun and absolutely something my kids were permitted
to explore. Not safe when someone else is coming down, but notice I already
arranged the playground visit for a lull: not an accident, as I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Ladders are definitely made for going up and down (for
fairly obvious reasons once you detach the idea of ‘slide and’ from ‘ladder’)
and she clearly felt completely confident in her ability to manage the task
–she’d already done it at least 7 times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My deranged (to others) playground rule was simple: you may
never help them go beyond what they are comfortable doing, and they must be
rescued the moment the indicate the need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This rule was not ‘permissive’ –it was intelligent and carefully
thought through: what kind of risks do I want my kids to feel safe to handle
when they are alone?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The kind that needs a spotter? The kind that needs help from
others to reach and that would be very dangerous for them, alone, to get to at
all? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Gee, no.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0JfgQMkUNDzr60mmnnT0lg3JNYlquMrDvt7x5lt6YshNDDmCQ3SwHuopd85rBhHKfCPDMZvGviQlmMH271y0ZHcmLIC88JFXz3n0lMgbDFXdG0q7SDT8vcnC2pjZzzmVHhNTT3kaQnj4/s1600/36398656176_b9beac0f19_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2z7Uxj5" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0JfgQMkUNDzr60mmnnT0lg3JNYlquMrDvt7x5lt6YshNDDmCQ3SwHuopd85rBhHKfCPDMZvGviQlmMH271y0ZHcmLIC88JFXz3n0lMgbDFXdG0q7SDT8vcnC2pjZzzmVHhNTT3kaQnj4/s320/36398656176_b9beac0f19_o.jpg" title="North Charleston Summer Camp by North Charleston" width="213" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There’s the first part of the rule: you can only explore
your way to the edge of your own comfort zone, no further. This is easily
enforced because adults are rational and will do what they’re told by the kid’s
mom even when they don’t understand it (or they will become very uncomfortable
and wander away… darn.) Kids will naturally stop when they no longer feel safe,
so that doesn’t need any kind of compliance from the kid, it’s built in.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My favourite kind of rule: the kind that I don’t have to
police.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And this natural limit results in the odd ‘omg, I have got
myself into a pickle here’ experiences for the kid:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Do I want my kids to feel free to ask for help, and get it,
when they need it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpjxuJol4QKi89YZfL2wGm2zTbS2PCXUtTgRDt1WW0enaZ20hAoP9pxHhsty_NnoSnsq6oRY4owzDc6JxbEcNmuPlG5dc38bNNdkEPAg_MNE9cUTBt2ttQya1CS3ff3Nz6BRasAk6q_NM/s1600/LazyCoverEbook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://amzn.to/2qH3OtF" border="0" data-original-height="1215" data-original-width="765" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpjxuJol4QKi89YZfL2wGm2zTbS2PCXUtTgRDt1WW0enaZ20hAoP9pxHhsty_NnoSnsq6oRY4owzDc6JxbEcNmuPlG5dc38bNNdkEPAg_MNE9cUTBt2ttQya1CS3ff3Nz6BRasAk6q_NM/s320/LazyCoverEbook.jpg" title="Lazy Parenting by Linda Clement" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Well, yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Oooh, look, another goal met without me having to do anything
at all to enforce it! They ask for help, they get it. Ta-da!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Watch me sit on the bench watching them police themselves
and their exploration all by themselves… while they are building their
confidence in their abilities, all by themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Lazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This isn’t permissive parenting, it’s lazy. And quite
intentionally so. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Just ask, it may not be what you think it looks like.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Misbehaviour<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Regular people unfamiliar with attachment-style parenting
will also look at how misbehaviour is handled and think ‘they’re permissive.’
They aren’t. That is, attachment-style parenting parents are not. Permissive
that is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35OwZ9vX7CrzKlXmXdtLBEFf4sA1ag0w-8n2yyAsAlvXYEPA67yGdoQWLpWsqEJ-L_XNt4ppCRZj1i-vPKJO4CGj0ZCJEGtJj0mwlRBHu0r1EVqbzOpENJ2eF3XW1wRmjbWz3letY0kE/s1600/2053436266_3cb373ae5d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2K4wd69" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35OwZ9vX7CrzKlXmXdtLBEFf4sA1ag0w-8n2yyAsAlvXYEPA67yGdoQWLpWsqEJ-L_XNt4ppCRZj1i-vPKJO4CGj0ZCJEGtJj0mwlRBHu0r1EVqbzOpENJ2eF3XW1wRmjbWz3letY0kE/s320/2053436266_3cb373ae5d_o.jpg" title="SHE did this to me!! GUILTY FACE by JJ & Special K" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It looks like it because of what they really aren’t:
punitive, authoritarian, shouting, demanding, coercive, threatening, nagging …
it’s a long list. It is a long list of things you can see happening from across
a busy mall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Since the mainstream is used to expecting kids to get
attacked for making mistakes or expressing their emotions, when
attachment-style parents don’t do that it looks permissive. The kids appear to
be ‘getting away with’ something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Remind me to write a post about ‘getting away with’… grrr…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Anyhow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here’s a tip for onlookers: just because you don’t recognize
what is happening doesn’t mean nothing is happening, k?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Obedience</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> ‘My 3yo just won’t listen!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> ‘How do you get your kids to listen?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> ‘They never do anything they need to do!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis9RqPH06G62aysL1Df-BL5M_wblEgEnp5d5JpXhVRQ83CBFEAFmbTaQfAw2-ws-zouxa9Cc_QfyhaM8ciqNonRDShTWz_MpcSHxxewLRbfaa3WfMRm1RmYy1p0N29wx2THGSv3oE85Fc/s1600/5316024908_2f5f7c7589_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2qJtc1Z" border="0" data-original-height="1207" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis9RqPH06G62aysL1Df-BL5M_wblEgEnp5d5JpXhVRQ83CBFEAFmbTaQfAw2-ws-zouxa9Cc_QfyhaM8ciqNonRDShTWz_MpcSHxxewLRbfaa3WfMRm1RmYy1p0N29wx2THGSv3oE85Fc/s200/5316024908_2f5f7c7589_o.jpg" title="Surrender Ceremony March Past by Chris Turner" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Listen, in this context is code. So is ‘mind’ and ‘do
anything they need to do.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The word obedience is so militant and WWII-ish, so people
shy away from it all the time. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Too bad they don’t shy away from the idea of it rather
than just the word for it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yes, your 3yo will listen. I promise. Get down on their
level, touch them gently, make soft eye contact as soon as they look at you and very quietly say, </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">‘would you like your very own giant chocolate bar?’</span></blockquote>
</div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Promise: they listen just fine. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What they don’t is obey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How you ‘get’ your kids to listen is two-pronged. First, you
listen to them (so they have any idea at all what it looks like) and second,
say things you expect they wish to hear. ‘Go do this right now because I told
you to’ is very unlikely to be anything anyone anywhere ever wants to hear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The last one: they resist doing what they need to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">No, they don’t. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjAH63LldxRJBqk8eN-KIQs7kuh_8t6WqyCvh10boHUl_KBbc_47KwJerLwZ1ERHTnvTjGBjtE1bSo-5kBxFKU47K6MaNsHFieBLLlEfjvWm4qF9O4J_x72_4tVnW-B5rMK6359fzLIbM/s1600/3286272887_867cdb870d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2RNfdni" border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjAH63LldxRJBqk8eN-KIQs7kuh_8t6WqyCvh10boHUl_KBbc_47KwJerLwZ1ERHTnvTjGBjtE1bSo-5kBxFKU47K6MaNsHFieBLLlEfjvWm4qF9O4J_x72_4tVnW-B5rMK6359fzLIbM/s320/3286272887_867cdb870d_o.jpg" title="chapagetti by Joseph Choi" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They need to breathe … and they don’t hold their breath
until, and unless, they are frantically frustrated at trying to get their other
needs met.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They need to eat … and they don’t starve themselves or
resist eating healthy food until the whole issue becomes fraught with drama and
top-down control (everything that is fraught with drama and top-down control
causes resistance, it’s completely natural and inevitable.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They need to eliminate … and they don’t hold it or get weird
about letting it go (bladder shy) until after they’ve been shamed about bodily
functions (including uncontrollable noises and odours) or someone’s attempted
to control that from the outside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Obedience is not an attachment-parenting thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>All 3 --No AP Anywhere In Them</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Neither misbehaviour nor obedience, or permissiveness, are part of the way Attachment-Style (AP) parents think about this game.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-81563923451257234902018-11-17T08:50:00.000-08:002018-11-17T08:50:00.276-08:004 Easy Steps to Overcome Morning Terror: Kids and Daycare<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQtNpXRcIcQ5d2ncVXx6lQR-T-cjpQQNaTK93ELN2WYR7M-AN3qMVmX-j7JAzj2iDp4fis75EIsn2YuW823jNjYjzJ9fi-L89uzbFWr58AzE91rCvPcWIrLp_zQ-xWje3_Yj72pJSE2_s/s1600/3766009204_589788ea4b_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2DlF2XV" border="0" data-original-height="699" data-original-width="833" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQtNpXRcIcQ5d2ncVXx6lQR-T-cjpQQNaTK93ELN2WYR7M-AN3qMVmX-j7JAzj2iDp4fis75EIsn2YuW823jNjYjzJ9fi-L89uzbFWr58AzE91rCvPcWIrLp_zQ-xWje3_Yj72pJSE2_s/s200/3766009204_589788ea4b_o.jpg" title="scream and shout by Mindaugas Danys" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: #0b5394; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">‘My lad screams and freaks out whenever I have to go to
work. I get up a whole extra hour early, to ease him through the process gently,
but nothing I do makes it any better. I explain how important it is for me to
work so we can live, and how I understand how he is feeling about it, but it
doesn’t change his screaming in terror and trying to block my way to the door.’</span></div>
</blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A question like this comes up about every other day on
parenting lists. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That small children have a blatant preference for the company
of their people, and sometimes one parent or the other for a phase of life, is
as predictable as Monday morning coming after Sunday night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJn3lCu7Dcie5bDPKnMbOyvdAlQ89cZFZ7Zalz6bacYbSGyLNU0bn25DGDjy7VYxLXO4OtkBCe3EErJatKSS0UlNIznzfAxWmFsLYRy6BOK-9XrAnvKp7T-ycVNySubc_kc5wn07iOxNY/s1600/16239822916_a85528205e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2DkgbDQ" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJn3lCu7Dcie5bDPKnMbOyvdAlQ89cZFZ7Zalz6bacYbSGyLNU0bn25DGDjy7VYxLXO4OtkBCe3EErJatKSS0UlNIznzfAxWmFsLYRy6BOK-9XrAnvKp7T-ycVNySubc_kc5wn07iOxNY/s320/16239822916_a85528205e_o.jpg" title="Feed My Starving Children by FMSC Distribution Partner" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">While, obviously, it is ideal if kids have their needs met, and
their need for their parents are as real as their need for food and air, I also
live in the real world: the one where US healthcare costs cause more middle-class
bankruptcies than any other factor; the world where millions of very real children
are starving to death for real, every day. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The one where single parents
comprise a significant portion of the workforce. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The other day I said,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">there is the
ideal, the preferable, and the possible</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sometimes what parents get to choose from is in the last
category. Reality really sucks sometimes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This means, pragmatically, sometimes the child will continue
to be wild with frustration and annoyance over a parent doing what parents get
to do: work outside the home in an environment openly antagonistic to children
(read: where kids ain’t going to be allowed to be.) We can argue for days about
what’s wrong with that, and why it’s possibly unnecessary in the very many
cases, and how children are as much a part of human life and the world as the
grown-up. . . and here we are, today, anyhow. Are we having fun yet?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Back to the miserable parent with the frantic child.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha4Qxj81yRrw3AvqVKOZCh8-47RabMcqHd4i8x-59Pge597KyGJDWezi6DZhWyLHYC7kWuojuOvZsRSvxS4Iav7qLFq8fW7k4Fmw01Of4I6KaG5fsP0dkswCYB-06rzU0kXtwN1-6To3M/s1600/16479701375_859a74c719_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2qJMVyy" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha4Qxj81yRrw3AvqVKOZCh8-47RabMcqHd4i8x-59Pge597KyGJDWezi6DZhWyLHYC7kWuojuOvZsRSvxS4Iav7qLFq8fW7k4Fmw01Of4I6KaG5fsP0dkswCYB-06rzU0kXtwN1-6To3M/s320/16479701375_859a74c719_o.jpg" title="Ali 19 by SupportPDX" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Lots of people give lots of advice in this scenario –from ‘sneaking
out’ (aka: destroy trust early, it’s simpler than waiting) to ‘make major lifestyle
changes so you don’t have to go at all’ (underlying suggestion: please start
again at the beginning and be born with more privilege next time) to bribes,
threats, ignoring it, promises about later, using different words to explain it
better, saying ‘parents always come home’ or ‘I’ll be back later’ (<span style="font-size: x-small;">and other
temptations for Fate</span>) and all manner of other ineffective and unhelpful things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In the History of
Explaining Things to Upset People. . .</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The thing is, in the history of explaining things to upset
people, no one has ever been made less upset by any explanation. Sometimes they
may be effectively silenced (<span style="font-size: x-small;">because ‘this is the reason you’re not welcome to
be upset’ can really be a powerful message</span>) but the emotional response to the
reality they dislike remains exactly where it is, only simmering perpetually in
the background. Yay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As a friend’s counsellor pointed out: </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: #9fc5e8;">people give hugs and
tissues to crying people because they want them to stop crying, </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: #9fc5e8;">not because they
want them to let out all their big feelings for however long it takes right now</span></span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwVYvU-DnZzeVcOTBS3E57TYfJRgGPw3Kf1JFLcm2RNpfTAVLpE5EMVqGlknlkAtb6Vgy2IwKCoS8JBqSP0TJQ0LZ_KwLYPLSFHbY14pKY8RD7UOmtWt0t2WyeTUfzHrVSwlnWgLOLFkI/s1600/41fhvDxRRUL._AA500_FMwebp_QL65_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_12?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=bessel+van+der+kolk&sprefix=bessel+van+d%2Caps%2C225&crid=2HVWKOAFFFEQP" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwVYvU-DnZzeVcOTBS3E57TYfJRgGPw3Kf1JFLcm2RNpfTAVLpE5EMVqGlknlkAtb6Vgy2IwKCoS8JBqSP0TJQ0LZ_KwLYPLSFHbY14pKY8RD7UOmtWt0t2WyeTUfzHrVSwlnWgLOLFkI/s200/41fhvDxRRUL._AA500_FMwebp_QL65_.jpg" title="The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Actually, people really need to let it out and to feel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i>, as Bessel Van Der Kolk puts it,
not calmed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The calming will come on its own, once the feelings are felt
through. The feeling through the emotions part –we don’t like that.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The calming will come on its own, once the feelings are felt through</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>We Don't Like That</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>First</b>, because it upsets us. We feel their feelings (natural
empathy) and we dislike those powerful feelings even when they are not ours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Second</b>, because it feels like it is going to literally take <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">forever</i>. It won’t, because emotions are
a passing chemical response in the body/mind, and those chemicals deplete over
time … eventually. (The longer its been since anyone was effectively empathetic
with the feeler, the longer it will take because the backlog is bigger and
feeling <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i> is such a unique relief.
. . <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but that doesn’t have much to do
with little kids.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Third</b>, because people having big emotions around us feels
(often) like they’re saying it is our fault, and we often feel compelled to
justify, explain, inform or convince them why they’re wrong. Not a lot about trying
to tell an upset someone about how they are wrong is likely to improve their
mood. . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbRMFJNgQP-NIPo9kekGetfU8CJBxvA_wYVQDBGqUYE8bHTqUx2LYMXF8EWkg9MCXUtdY6GzkegwNrEoUzZUFpisvthzU7xcAk8ZBxSTSrTIreHZlFdyK1oaE12yBcSteoXtJ6QryIvME/s1600/4970998718_abedbd5127_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2Plgs0e" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbRMFJNgQP-NIPo9kekGetfU8CJBxvA_wYVQDBGqUYE8bHTqUx2LYMXF8EWkg9MCXUtdY6GzkegwNrEoUzZUFpisvthzU7xcAk8ZBxSTSrTIreHZlFdyK1oaE12yBcSteoXtJ6QryIvME/s320/4970998718_abedbd5127_o.jpg" title="The Fair {Explored} by RebeccaVC1" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Fourth</b>, because it’s not fair. Few people have ever had much
experience with feeling <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i>
themselves, especially as kids, and we are deeply agitated by kids ‘getting
away with’ things we were banned from doing. This is very stark in people who
were shamed as children (like ‘boys do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i>
cry’ or ‘how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dare you</i>?!?’)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And you know what? It is not fair. Truly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is not fair that people ever treated children and their
emotions that way. It is less fair to mindlessly pass it on to another
generation of innocent children. Becoming aware of this impulse to seek revenge
on the next available victims is often sufficient to stop the cycle: <i>Oh, that’s
just those nasty old voices of those old crones who were wrong then, too… I can
do something differently this time.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; font-size: x-large;">What Do I Do
Differently? </span></span></b></blockquote>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">4 Easy Steps to Handling Kids’ Objections to What is Happening</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b> Step one</b>: empathy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b> Step two</b>: repeat step one<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b> Step three</b>: resist the urge to explain, justify, inform or convince<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b> Step four</b>: empathy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Not so Easy, Is It?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The urge to rush to explain, justify, inform or convince is
powerful, because we feel like our kids’ reactions are blaming us, and there
are few things our culture is less comfortable with than blame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is where the adulting gets hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Courage, dear.</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Scene: Bedroom, early morning, mother and child getting ready for the day<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF0-CYzKWnJ-0Dld055dD4lJmeV1Pm3ECCvxl1X3L1udR2uVWeV3DzX6n4-dF2r-gX1tt88Cu6Jy1Q7oNe_ZFpuRHFNeoKBrsf52Nv0UNUpKLzGOqFx1unvG0D1_CPO2D1vNCANSPFRiU/s1600/3142268400_cb482d4da5_o+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2FsyVTY" border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="1200" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF0-CYzKWnJ-0Dld055dD4lJmeV1Pm3ECCvxl1X3L1udR2uVWeV3DzX6n4-dF2r-gX1tt88Cu6Jy1Q7oNe_ZFpuRHFNeoKBrsf52Nv0UNUpKLzGOqFx1unvG0D1_CPO2D1vNCANSPFRiU/s200/3142268400_cb482d4da5_o+%25281%2529.jpg" title="Dad&Mom's_weddingV1-17 by Bruce McPherson" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mom:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I AM GETTING
READY FOR WORK NOW, DEAR<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Child:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>[SCREAMS, BITES
HIMSELF, THROWS THINGS, RAGES ABOUT WANTING TO BE WITH MOM, ETC]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mom: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="text-transform: uppercase;">You
are feeling so angry and scared that I am going to work, because you really
need me to stay home</span> …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Child:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>[SCREAMS MORE, THROWS HIMSELF TO THE FLOOR,
SHOUTS AND CRIES]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mom: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> [</span>with intensity] I REALLY HEAR YOUR FURY AND
TERROR OVER MY GOING TO WORK TODAY, THOSE ARE BIG AND POWERFUL FEELINGS!! YOU
ARE FEELING SO FRANTIC FOR ME TO STAY!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Child:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>[CONTINUES SCREAMING AND BEHAVING ANGRY AND
FEARFUL]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mom:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I CAN REALLY FEEL HOW INTENSELY FRIGHTENED
AND ANGRY YOU ARE ABOUT ME GOING TO WORK BECAUSE YOU REALLY NEED ME TO STAY. I
AM STEPPING OUT THE DOOR NOW, HEARING YOUR FURY AND TERROR AT ME GOING.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And . . . <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">scene</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What is happening here that is so different from the ‘usual’?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Two really big things:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"> 1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">no one is trying to dismiss or silence the child’s
emotional reaction –quite the opposite. This is a parent saying ‘I hear you,
and I am here with you hearing you’ which builds trust, and;</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"> 2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">this is a completely neutral and blame-free
response that does not personalize the child’s emotion as the adult’s fault, or
suggest in any way that the child is to blame for either his feelings or the
adult’s emotional reaction.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsBkfV7QY1DUjt2Bo21FWJfhZ4GQihfo-AxB6Z4AWyARHB8btzG8KnFe_rmnANXItyf1WvY14oL_S74ZRVfmrCHFDkUq9omyxe7uHIpHja90POdQCnebz19u9L8whM_FIsjMV6AUDeJRQ/s1600/9371963348_e00aba4c05_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2zMEUgC" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsBkfV7QY1DUjt2Bo21FWJfhZ4GQihfo-AxB6Z4AWyARHB8btzG8KnFe_rmnANXItyf1WvY14oL_S74ZRVfmrCHFDkUq9omyxe7uHIpHja90POdQCnebz19u9L8whM_FIsjMV6AUDeJRQ/s200/9371963348_e00aba4c05_o.jpg" title="Nap by Susana Fernandez" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Notice, this doesn’t magically make the child’s feelings go
away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Why would it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is the child who is, in the child’s terms, losing their
parent (<span style="font-size: x-small;">for the moment, for the day, for the duration of the deployment, or,
when the child is really young and can’t understand the parent leaving and
still existing somewhere else, forever.</span>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So, the child starts with powerful feelings that don’t go
away by the end, how does that ‘work’? How does that qualify as ‘working’?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In mainstream terms, where the goals is to control the
child, their emotions and every aspect of their expression of emotions, it
doesn’t work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #0b5394; color: #cfe2f3; font-size: large;">it does not
work at all for that</span></span></blockquote>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We Are Not Seeking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That</i> Goal<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZ0HloDJdMIp4Sr48D5t3QYlQW02TpyUwgtX0DvY-OMRLtt6-zN1MD2hpXXdnJW5hZQl4ysxr5vx2ptHCjjOldSfx_5Zy3Ngqlv7Qs47Cq81wWMI11EDrnyt8NswZc7xOWILN1rDkxqw/s1600/3138476597_f09ffb1254_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2qH0GOr" border="0" data-original-height="838" data-original-width="1163" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZ0HloDJdMIp4Sr48D5t3QYlQW02TpyUwgtX0DvY-OMRLtt6-zN1MD2hpXXdnJW5hZQl4ysxr5vx2ptHCjjOldSfx_5Zy3Ngqlv7Qs47Cq81wWMI11EDrnyt8NswZc7xOWILN1rDkxqw/s320/3138476597_f09ffb1254_o.jpg" title="Friendship | Self-reproach by Hartwig HKD" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We are not seeking that goal.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We are also not seeking the underlying goal embedded in that
control: to stop the parent feeling anything about what is happening for their
child.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One of the things mainstream advice is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> resistant to is any suggestion that the parent’s actions
might reasonably make the parent feel bad. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLib3Gb1SPB6nmK_oI65YHu7xFmFZv2wLXETLi31Sugy1ty2GIl_K2FC-9Zrkt-BZitOXjGghIORxfDA3XiPZzLvR0JAzoM1ldYedVa3WUrUVIBz8i_5bDMZc9C1v52urSHb5Q3QqxVcU/s1600/6154780360_77c013a226_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2QBqnLH" border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="678" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLib3Gb1SPB6nmK_oI65YHu7xFmFZv2wLXETLi31Sugy1ty2GIl_K2FC-9Zrkt-BZitOXjGghIORxfDA3XiPZzLvR0JAzoM1ldYedVa3WUrUVIBz8i_5bDMZc9C1v52urSHb5Q3QqxVcU/s200/6154780360_77c013a226_o.jpg" title="Wisdom Comforting Ozare by cheriejoyful" width="131" /></a>If the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">child</i> feels bad, well, that’s just to be expected, but parents should be forever free of anything like guilt, regret,
responsibility or even compassion for what their child is experiencing when
they have no power to fix it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That’s the thing that takes the courage: the ability to have
compassion for a child’s genuine experience when they are suffering and the
situation causing it is impossible for us to fix.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The parameters of interacting with humans (even small ones)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can’t
control them<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can’t
control their feelings or emotions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can’t
control how they express their feelings or emotions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can’t
demand trust or respect<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can
control your words and actions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can
understand your own feelings or emotions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can
help them feel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i> and heard and
understood<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You can
foster trust and respect<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtC1DVttMeSTNJDGsS0FSvSlB2Ls5rjInlSQEUmqUA3K91icycy-hHVvuwaHYkHjLQkKmvhG6YlhbeowtaNaawXaWu4zkkZVyaAGDTkTereT8HBVaiujbhsWwn5dFzv4rOEi28bzpBBd4/s1600/14376185120_f57bc5d93e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2T1xe2R" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtC1DVttMeSTNJDGsS0FSvSlB2Ls5rjInlSQEUmqUA3K91icycy-hHVvuwaHYkHjLQkKmvhG6YlhbeowtaNaawXaWu4zkkZVyaAGDTkTereT8HBVaiujbhsWwn5dFzv4rOEi28bzpBBd4/s200/14376185120_f57bc5d93e_o.jpg" title="Thank You by Japanexpertna.se" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></i></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That</i> is what that
4 step plan reaches toward: fostering trust and respect, by helping them feel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i>, heard and understood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I did say that it takes courage because it's hard.</span></div>
<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-62487436448364525652018-11-12T13:43:00.004-08:002018-11-12T13:43:59.313-08:00Why No Child Should Ever Be Asked to Obey This Command<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3oLFFRav1KIWZIWbYJf9lUC-t55ISTXEtvI24AOd_BqNOk2r4wbru4RqXd6JDtGK3ddPU_hWpF_LWnclpbFJqAZh0Eqb0SwKfHsgd27QkdICQmqDLgE1sRz52Z1RAqtoPTj-IqKCwUn8/s1600/14777904863_8f0eaed4cf_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2Pm4pjn" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3oLFFRav1KIWZIWbYJf9lUC-t55ISTXEtvI24AOd_BqNOk2r4wbru4RqXd6JDtGK3ddPU_hWpF_LWnclpbFJqAZh0Eqb0SwKfHsgd27QkdICQmqDLgE1sRz52Z1RAqtoPTj-IqKCwUn8/s400/14777904863_8f0eaed4cf_o.jpg" title="Back to Front by Scott 97006" width="248" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I saw it again on a movie yesterday, after having discussed
it with a friend just a day or two before: the worst possible reason to do
anything is “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">which</i> human is asking.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Specifically, the worst possible reason to do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i> is ‘because it is your <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mother</i> asking.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Or your father, great-uncle, your pastor or your future self
from 2289…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">First, because it is the thinnest end of the desperate
argument-to-comply that there is before you are utterly gutted of reasons and
say ‘because I said so.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Second, because guilt trips are so 1990. You didn’t like
them, your kids will hate them, too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And, finally, because in a climate of respect and mutual
kind regard, cooperation is requested not required.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Cooperation is encouraged, not enforced</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is not cooperative or respectful to demand other people
do things because of your status alone, rather than something sensible like
‘it’s a good idea’ or ‘because I think I can give you a compelling argument to
agree that it is a good idea’ or even ‘because it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is </i>a good idea.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Frankly, if you can’t even come up with a single sensible
reason for someone to comply, clearly in the same position as them you would
not do it. So, why, by the heart of any living creature beating, would anyone
else do it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivkeXyHR2sPC9ZJKX3MY57seJ6U-2aDRMUBtXE7pCrMbWP1YnxlciHJcvRa82ex7u1MY5e2P_vqQGSRIHHS-NI_I2uuyOaXuYMR6BjWhgQyeooSGs05r9-JZygVYAU9I23q6tNYOC2tZE/s1600/3924980314_c4db1f658f_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2PpQZCP" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivkeXyHR2sPC9ZJKX3MY57seJ6U-2aDRMUBtXE7pCrMbWP1YnxlciHJcvRa82ex7u1MY5e2P_vqQGSRIHHS-NI_I2uuyOaXuYMR6BjWhgQyeooSGs05r9-JZygVYAU9I23q6tNYOC2tZE/s320/3924980314_c4db1f658f_o.jpg" title="Stop! by thematthewknot" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Seriously, just stop.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">only</i> thing
you can think of saying to get <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anyone at
any age</i> to do what you want them to do is ‘but it’s me asking’ you are
bereft of reasons and you both want it done and do not want to do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In the world of ‘let’s pretend we’re grown up’ I always
suggest to every adult everywhere: do what you want. If it is important to you
that the curtains are perfectly pleated before you close your eyes each night
(or before anyone sees them in the morning), do, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">please</i>, pleat them. Yourself, if you think it is a good use of anyone’s
time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4So70QZJ6P3W_w6yay40gUV11fMI0BXI4Me4Tn7fm_lVn9zgdYIHjvHJJSJnWF4GLIsOUuqZEkCJhc2Czz1tjNonFpkYA9nQvT-jZzLCwJGANbZ74OVk1htb8zjnKgzbViaiXaeHVj8w/s1600/9284479901_3e4ea797d8_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2z59m67" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4So70QZJ6P3W_w6yay40gUV11fMI0BXI4Me4Tn7fm_lVn9zgdYIHjvHJJSJnWF4GLIsOUuqZEkCJhc2Czz1tjNonFpkYA9nQvT-jZzLCwJGANbZ74OVk1htb8zjnKgzbViaiXaeHVj8w/s320/9284479901_3e4ea797d8_o.jpg" title="Planet Roskilde by Stig Nygaard" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If you don’t want to do it, or think the work is beneath
you, or think someone else should do it, please review the above
recommendation: if you think it is important, do it. If it is important <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to you</i>, you are the very first person on
the list to get it done. If you want to hire someone else to do it, do that. If
you can’t afford someone else to do it and it is too low on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your</i> priority list for you to (think it
is important enough to) do… leave it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">No one else is here on this planet today to ensure that the
priorities that are not important enough for you to do with your time, effort,
energy or money are accomplished. If they are your priorities, they are yours.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif; font-size: large;">...if they are your priorities, they are yours...</span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They are no one else’s. Nor should they be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy2ro30XbWC68rJGtlGGcA4X2g-aoRkY2wMvWN1y1erTqUXn7xzh3v8u5WvfUyHO_uYCz49EwlfsfRg_tJp6Umk4tzP8ffjqclVAkzEBe0sAzDH8PfHSxYGK_lMxvEBdeWhyphenhyphenIOTtBN5Fk/s1600/207948042_4d85c35691_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2z5aaaO" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy2ro30XbWC68rJGtlGGcA4X2g-aoRkY2wMvWN1y1erTqUXn7xzh3v8u5WvfUyHO_uYCz49EwlfsfRg_tJp6Umk4tzP8ffjqclVAkzEBe0sAzDH8PfHSxYGK_lMxvEBdeWhyphenhyphenIOTtBN5Fk/s200/207948042_4d85c35691_o.jpg" title="Contrast edge curtains with scoop goblet pleats by Kai Hendry" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If someone else thinks the curtains need to be perfectly
pleated before your eyes close for the night, that is their problem –-unless you
have negotiated to be employed by them for what you agree is a fair value for
your effort, it has nothing to do with you, no matter who <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they </i>are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A lot of people will dispute this, because they were raised
in a different universe at another time. They were told ‘you have to’ and ‘you
have no choice’ and ‘it must be this way.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS0uMAf4BrdtINf1H7FGROJ8fE88vQVgl6bha6a0SXpByQPQl8eLhxibMOBbFtBR49SNMlX_kaUTM1bfVr0GmNpKtXcN-GBrauIxOTGVXu4r91gYBLjYN42nzZ_GtNhNoeBLgHzAN_tT0/s1600/15191228097_85674072ae_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2z5MwLI" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1035" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS0uMAf4BrdtINf1H7FGROJ8fE88vQVgl6bha6a0SXpByQPQl8eLhxibMOBbFtBR49SNMlX_kaUTM1bfVr0GmNpKtXcN-GBrauIxOTGVXu4r91gYBLjYN42nzZ_GtNhNoeBLgHzAN_tT0/s200/15191228097_85674072ae_o.jpg" title="The Nether Kirkyard by Neil Williamson" width="128" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am sorry they were lied to. I am sorry that they believed
it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I’m sorry it polluted their whole lives and now they are so angry about it
that they’re trying to pass it on to other people like a venereal disease (if I
have to suffer it’s not fair unless everyone else also has to) … but that is
all between them and their therapists, which I strongly recommend they get for
themselves, as they are clearly very unhappy people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Please let this nonsense die with a previous generation. It
is time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-21923444439874214742018-11-06T17:41:00.001-08:002018-11-06T17:41:04.852-08:00Contrasting Attachment Parenting with Child Hate, Childism & Misoproliny<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What Attachment-Style
Parenting Isn’t<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Attachment-style parenting is not mainstream parenting. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Attachment-style
parenting is also not gentle or peaceful parenting, which I will get to, I promise. . . after this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXpUjV_GwUDRWwPUCvBpJxI86rA1IwwIHdE6aQmkFCL9xJ4RRqQqWZwoRAr8VkGRm2QeMk7vvNSasGzNX4WtsuIlnAwjZQw7Qr1mt-5iQJEZHZoFbFcd4P4EQPJIUwkT6J5obSkhF6pi8/s1600/16096768763_590955083a_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/lac-bac/sets/72157670640985154/" border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="760" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXpUjV_GwUDRWwPUCvBpJxI86rA1IwwIHdE6aQmkFCL9xJ4RRqQqWZwoRAr8VkGRm2QeMk7vvNSasGzNX4WtsuIlnAwjZQw7Qr1mt-5iQJEZHZoFbFcd4P4EQPJIUwkT6J5obSkhF6pi8/s400/16096768763_590955083a_o.jpg" title="Three Generation of Croatian Settlers History of Saskatchewan biblioArchives flikr" width="400" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">By ‘mainstream’ I mean to encompass all the normal and
traditional types of parenting people in the Western world think of as natural
and automatic. Methods that are often practiced without thinking very much
about, either the techniques or their effects. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">While I was raised quite a lot inside the mainstream (<span style="font-size: x-small;">and I'm not defending it —my parents don't: they knew they had no idea what they were doing</span>) I
would not recommend its methods for handling dogs or even chickens, because I
find it deeply disrespectful of the value of life, quite beyond how it is
disrespectful of the humanity of children. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Which brings me to one of the key differences between mainstream
parenting and attachment-style parenting: the use of a single word, respect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">the key difference between mainstream parenting and attachment-style parenting is </span></span><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">the use of a single word:</span></span> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763; font-size: x-large;">respect</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Mainstream childcare (parenting, schools, daycare,
babysitting, whatever) is obsessed with the word.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mainstream
Childrearing is Obsessed with the Word ‘Respect’<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8fgotVGr8uX-r56kSIYpQvhc1QvqFAIaortQkDTfp8XmrqmFzv_X7LDe30JWhfEjdsRhB8uTs-y1N0AU0fscnsgKcdKP9x70pUAON18xTIgoXBuYpwRe7bYJTnK7O91BDpWIO41KXuBo/s1600/9256013385_a41c6bef5e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2Othl1J" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8fgotVGr8uX-r56kSIYpQvhc1QvqFAIaortQkDTfp8XmrqmFzv_X7LDe30JWhfEjdsRhB8uTs-y1N0AU0fscnsgKcdKP9x70pUAON18xTIgoXBuYpwRe7bYJTnK7O91BDpWIO41KXuBo/s320/9256013385_a41c6bef5e_o.jpg" title="Grumpy Old Men by Pascal Maramis" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Children need to learn respect. They need to show respect.
They need to be respectful. They need to be taught respect. And more often than
not, at various predictable ages, the problem with the children is that they
have no respect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The means to fix the respect problem, in mainstream
households and institutions, is force, coercion, bribery, punishment, nagging,
shouting, withdrawal of affection, isolation, pain, shame,
fear-mongering, emotional blackmail, and guilt. Et cetera.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV9gpOcbLDtVDqHbswDIw2Q5_FByvQGw3gkkoBWF3iyQvMmUZ1NFWM86gQuZBnX4Pw7Dh9GBfraQ0qX7qL7o-fz9J8tHegE2DZQZupjIY_sBK8OMRm6UST75rF1gEoGiCM-bNxZed6iUU/s1600/4948621188_2d3d798514_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2zwVqB7" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1075" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV9gpOcbLDtVDqHbswDIw2Q5_FByvQGw3gkkoBWF3iyQvMmUZ1NFWM86gQuZBnX4Pw7Dh9GBfraQ0qX7qL7o-fz9J8tHegE2DZQZupjIY_sBK8OMRm6UST75rF1gEoGiCM-bNxZed6iUU/s320/4948621188_2d3d798514_o.jpg" title="Boy by Nesley Calderon" width="214" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In a part of the world where 8-year-olds with nervous habits
(<span style="font-size: x-small;">eyelash pulling, nail biting, chewing, skin picking, lip licking, among a very
wide variety of other things</span>) are considered ‘normal’ and ‘sub-clinical,’ you
can see how difficult this environment really is for kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Kids who protest their treatment (in words or behaviour) for
any length of time have the tactics amplified first, and then are shopped around to professionals to be ‘fixed.’ When that inevitably doesn’t work, they’re often diagnosed and drugged. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because for the mainstream, the problem is the child not the environment. The
environment is ‘normal.’ The kid’s reaction to is the problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Of course, I disagree.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Child Hate<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Other commentators extend their criticism of mainstream
parenting to include systematic oppression of children, agism and childism (<span style="font-size: x-small;">or
my term, from way back when I was playing with either Latin or Greek, I don’t
remember now: <a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2010/02/misoproliny-my-new-word.html" target="_blank">misoproliny</a>, the hatred of children.</span>) </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEnwcDaCIAVXl2dke6SjCqP1BopdaVEFjLn7pga7x73Sj3XWDniUIydcE8YKnfxZHkldlvgjHeWA52zmphvjs-Wi_QLiiai9DPWPVbKpHlOZO193zYppsAbbA19GT4EeJkqO-vyuCI-co/s1600/4775650640_9d249c49b6_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2RDHc8X" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEnwcDaCIAVXl2dke6SjCqP1BopdaVEFjLn7pga7x73Sj3XWDniUIydcE8YKnfxZHkldlvgjHeWA52zmphvjs-Wi_QLiiai9DPWPVbKpHlOZO193zYppsAbbA19GT4EeJkqO-vyuCI-co/s320/4775650640_9d249c49b6_o.jpg" title="Crying by Todd Huffman" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Some folks even declare that all of the maltreatment of
children comes under the umbrella of the early psychological damage (from the
childhoods of the people maltreating the children of now) called The Mother Wound. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Since a lot of it is perpetuate at the behest (and often vehement insistence)
of fathers and grandparents of all genders, school authorities, church
authorities and elderly maiden aunts, I’d just leave off and call it all
‘traumatic childhood.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Our world is filled with the maltreatment of children</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizwQethYKmSwwEnR2YP7rUjYQpqlqRm_bOIn5l9J7uY3by7ksJZirds-XAHlnogdBh-Ja_-VZyFz5mf7vTRJ1I4C2hNezdkW5LRIbdUW_MeNqqh2AzMebr4wEXhcMmk89LMLrVjgjYfJQ/s1600/11454684865_4bdabb7750_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2DpQEK2" border="0" data-original-height="804" data-original-width="1600" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizwQethYKmSwwEnR2YP7rUjYQpqlqRm_bOIn5l9J7uY3by7ksJZirds-XAHlnogdBh-Ja_-VZyFz5mf7vTRJ1I4C2hNezdkW5LRIbdUW_MeNqqh2AzMebr4wEXhcMmk89LMLrVjgjYfJQ/s320/11454684865_4bdabb7750_o.jpg" title="A spanking good time by Boston Public Library" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Titled 'A spanking good time' on the image itself</span></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZWhb8klWtHuJvN7S0o2iVHkbhfHxwBBCkBNS2540lxqt9jZ0I9cgYi7qOGbptKJBRJ_yi8zL2xOWzO6F5jDMmbJlbsFJF3-NLKYeTz2aLPYusB2Dhjnqah7p07EigNZkJljS43fRhRo0/s1600/3631159357_a7e687c44a_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2OtMPoo" border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZWhb8klWtHuJvN7S0o2iVHkbhfHxwBBCkBNS2540lxqt9jZ0I9cgYi7qOGbptKJBRJ_yi8zL2xOWzO6F5jDMmbJlbsFJF3-NLKYeTz2aLPYusB2Dhjnqah7p07EigNZkJljS43fRhRo0/s200/3631159357_a7e687c44a_b.jpg" title="Prank the Boss Jan 2009 by AussieGold" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoGhyphenhyphenYq7gH1FazwHBG1VfS8imkkjNoQFE4Kr8XoDMUtmR0UH9Gqn6AUKVGH80JC2qJ8VQlvsU5R0dJXjTmA5TzYmm7-Fec-L2fBi5LKMq0-1DeA7BwgkyFp4Sh97vY8SA30lmqZLEZrrM/s1600/11126279973_06869fdea3_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2OsaAgs" border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoGhyphenhyphenYq7gH1FazwHBG1VfS8imkkjNoQFE4Kr8XoDMUtmR0UH9Gqn6AUKVGH80JC2qJ8VQlvsU5R0dJXjTmA5TzYmm7-Fec-L2fBi5LKMq0-1DeA7BwgkyFp4Sh97vY8SA30lmqZLEZrrM/s200/11126279973_06869fdea3_o.jpg" title="So You're Too Tired to Get Ready for School by David Sanabria" width="150" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">From Jay Leno encouraging parents to gaslight their children
(<span style="font-size: x-small;">pretending to have eaten all their Halloween candy or giving them things like
gift wrapped onions for Christmas</span>) and then filming their distress as ‘comedy'... </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">to public shaming (<span style="font-size: x-small;">cutting their hair like old men, making them wear signs
declaring their mistakes, making them wear ugly clothes to school</span>), physical
torture (<span style="font-size: x-small;">making them walk around with heavy books carried above their heads, or
standing in corners without permission to move, eat, rest or urinate</span>) ...</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">and stealing
or holding hostage their possessions, bribery, withholding food or attention, and
physically attacking or ridiculing them for expressing emotions (<span style="font-size: x-small;">like pain, enthusiasm or grief, or sexist attacks on boys for crying and girls for being
angry and, of course, for the grievous sin of making mistakes ever.</span>)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And it is not only parents (grandparents, babysitters, daycare workers, maiden uncles, etc...)</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Systematic
maltreatment of children is embedded in systems like schools and medicine<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Schools are where it is normal to be segregated based on
age, to be compelled to socialize with people you mistrust or actively dislike (<span style="font-size: x-small;">or have your grades affected by people who refuse to cooperate or who simply cannot do the work yet</span>),
where bullying is normal and unimportant background noise according to the
people with the power to end it, and where witnessing bullying is not even
acknowledged as a problem for children not victimized or perpetrating it. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Within
schools today there remains the same palpable belief that victims of bullying
kind of invite it, and bullies are kind of cool, that was real when <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Great Expectations</i> was written.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vSduFL3TcfeReGNje_bpA2gFkgzuvmRmLWW5WWo6QhSGKdmTbWg_pCyB2TcedSmHem_zf4tjtkJVhw8g6Ja1nJxapVJIoApH-ZI53VNuWa4X7iTkWMwnSMySHZHdSwIo2FMCZKFMlKE/s1600/458434770_c04a214490_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2PfaUod" border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="851" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vSduFL3TcfeReGNje_bpA2gFkgzuvmRmLWW5WWo6QhSGKdmTbWg_pCyB2TcedSmHem_zf4tjtkJVhw8g6Ja1nJxapVJIoApH-ZI53VNuWa4X7iTkWMwnSMySHZHdSwIo2FMCZKFMlKE/s200/458434770_c04a214490_o.jpg" title="CRYING by triggerhapi" width="132" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Doctors and nurses are not trained to speak to children like
people. They consider it normal to talk about them to their parents as if they
were not there, to assume they can’t or won’t understand, to use babyish
language and dumbed-down euphemisms, and to perform procedures on them without
explaining what will be done or why. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is not considered unreasonable to lie
to children to gain compliance ('<span style="font-size: x-small;">this won't hurt at all,' when it obviously will</span>), and when that fails the next and only option
considered is too often physical force, for which they usually coerce the parent’s
participation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The Child in Control
of Parents: 1 more way to blame the kids<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The ordinary maltreatment of children includes negative judgments
of their intent, like declaring that children mean to harm others, choose to be
bratty on purpose, or that their misbehaviour is wholly intentional, malicious
and destructive. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Please see <a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2018/11/so-what-is-this-attachment-style.html" target="_blank">So, What Is This Attachment-Style Parenting, Then?</a> for the explanation around this:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #0b5394; color: #cfe2f3; font-size: large;">children do not ‘misbehave’ –they just behave:</span></span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #0b5394; color: #cfe2f3; font-size: large;">they do the best they can with what they understand as far as they are developed at this point</span></span></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG9pV0pSyH-vrXqCgrHgXJRnRYdUhWUVUnNLZzEUlxAXIYWTzWy7Wao7k1FgPMqnS8leoc-EX4rRXoIUnFlE3Z5Mw4Oo-HwOp1ZFPAIOIRD6K9-2mT7O7IpqkGOJvdeOqk75EdyY1q-Xo/s1600/3584467090_15615be73a_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2yUHphk" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1040" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG9pV0pSyH-vrXqCgrHgXJRnRYdUhWUVUnNLZzEUlxAXIYWTzWy7Wao7k1FgPMqnS8leoc-EX4rRXoIUnFlE3Z5Mw4Oo-HwOp1ZFPAIOIRD6K9-2mT7O7IpqkGOJvdeOqk75EdyY1q-Xo/s320/3584467090_15615be73a_o.jpg" title="How does that old saying go? by Thirtheen of Clubs" width="208" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The Noble Mother</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">People declare that children are not only trying to drive
their parents crazy (or make them angry) but that children have more power over
the emotions and reactions of their parents than the adults have over
themselves, and that the children are abusing this power for their own benefit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">However you may feel about the inherent authority, or
nobility, or goodness of the role or position of Mother or Father, the idea
that the child is more in control over how the parent behaves than the parent
is seriously twisted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The assertion that a child is solely responsible for a parent’s response
to what the child did is <i>identical</i> to the abuser’s assertion it was their
victim’s fault for getting beaten, because they fought back. <i>It is identical</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">From the abuser
comes the phrases ‘she was asking for it’ and ‘they made me do it,’ 'he is making me mad [<span style="font-size: x-small;">on purpose</span>]' and 'they are trying to drive me crazy.'</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">With the information in this section alone, I expect parents and childcarers to forever stop using that kind of language, for one simple reason:<br /><br />Align with abusers (<span style="font-size: x-small;">and use the same justifications, excuses and attitudes</span>) or refuse to be in the same category.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The choice is not the child's.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">What About Gentle and
Peaceful Parenting?</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As I began with it, it's probably time to get around to it: attachment-style parenting is also not ‘gentle’ or
‘peaceful’ parenting.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-9RhBh2dybhyFnGicgsZLiRjwZBB5iaXSrkzsdw67KVeWme0EqMQ992loIO_mpDoPIgFRrxnpNv14MvKqiO9yybeqS_oW3sqgaG4zYASOXolSrQ6JaP9k0Cf1-cvxhCAd6m8bCUP5izg/s1600/3409975634_7e11dcd3e6_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2Ph9Joc" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-9RhBh2dybhyFnGicgsZLiRjwZBB5iaXSrkzsdw67KVeWme0EqMQ992loIO_mpDoPIgFRrxnpNv14MvKqiO9yybeqS_oW3sqgaG4zYASOXolSrQ6JaP9k0Cf1-cvxhCAd6m8bCUP5izg/s320/3409975634_7e11dcd3e6_o.jpg" title="Tantrum on the stairs by tiffany terry" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The time-out stair / control by isolation</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">While AP may actually be both gentle and peaceful, these
terms (at least in the Western world) are used by parenting 'experts' to market a variety of
command-and-control parenting / childcare methods that is different from
mainstream parenting in only very specific ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Usually, the <i>only</i> distinction between mainstream and gentle
/ peaceful parenting is the absence of physical (corporal) punishment: spanking, swatting, popping, slapping, hitting, etc. Sometimes it includes the
absence (or the goal of the absence) of shouting, but not always.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Let me first say that for some people, the extreme contrast between how they were raised and Peaceful / Gentle parenting is like the difference between a Russian gulag and minimum security prison in Sweden… which is still to say: the difference is very real, and the kids are still treated as if they are incarcerated, with only the <i>kind</i> of treatment of the inmates allowed being very, very different.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In all other ways it is as disrespectful as the rest of
mainstream parenting.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Mommy-Shaming</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Before I move on, I will address the number one objection
to clearly identifying any of these tactics as problematic: mommy-shaming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdqauW4ujWA9rCnz8iOwiLhLZZWA6YYK9e_EvXoZ2fa7k0hKHFZgSaj9T037qdJUBMpe44_76lL61W-VRjt9MDsLmvMHXiSyuf2ISWQHImgwIagTsatGMOsr7_4YCwsjXcpyo5VQtO0BU/s1600/2191336263_264a0800da_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2JKhBZm" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1151" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdqauW4ujWA9rCnz8iOwiLhLZZWA6YYK9e_EvXoZ2fa7k0hKHFZgSaj9T037qdJUBMpe44_76lL61W-VRjt9MDsLmvMHXiSyuf2ISWQHImgwIagTsatGMOsr7_4YCwsjXcpyo5VQtO0BU/s320/2191336263_264a0800da_o.jpg" title="Family History by Brian Harrington Spier" width="230" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mommy-shaming is not allowed. Mommies are loving,
supportive, caring and wonderful human beings because they are mommies, and
their individual parenting ‘choices’ are automatically unassailable, because
they are, after all, the All Knowing, All Loving, Exalted Mommies. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mommies are
bigger, stronger, smarter and better than children, so they automatically know
best for their children because the natural result of having an egg fertilized
within them carried long enough to survive int he air (or having an adoption agency approve their application) is <i>the same</i> as them being beatified: they
are miraculously changed from ‘every kind of possible character and person
people can be’ into something that is not possible to be wrong, about anything. Ever.
Same for daddies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Ahem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiut3l-D-rcCX1DUS395y3tjhwpW5PCwqs60dQTkxQ45zfQBmv7sL2GZJzP97GOSZNvttqSoPx_7lSkW4EQIfvUtP9kODMhD9tlVQyzSND4bSVq_-8ICWqNQFFR6wkzPb6nErlQAlHmLfE/s1600/33781283176_5e820be644_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2yUyYT9" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1355" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiut3l-D-rcCX1DUS395y3tjhwpW5PCwqs60dQTkxQ45zfQBmv7sL2GZJzP97GOSZNvttqSoPx_7lSkW4EQIfvUtP9kODMhD9tlVQyzSND4bSVq_-8ICWqNQFFR6wkzPb6nErlQAlHmLfE/s400/33781283176_5e820be644_o.jpg" title="2017-04-03-0019a by Enrico" width="338" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Oh, my, the poisonous faces here . . .</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What is actually happening here, with this 'no mommy-shaming' BS is that parents (moms and dads,
both bio and otherwise) are defending their ancestors, usually someone who died
so long ago no one knows their name anymore or even how far back they were. Ask
anyone: why do you do this? Because it’s the way I was raised, and my parents
were right. Okay, and who did they learn it from? Their parents. And… their
parents. And? Their parents. Right. How long ago?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So, the best information you can find for
how to treat children well and raise them in a healthy way is someone who thought the
best way to avoid disease was not to leave the house with wet hair and by
burning pitch to inhale the smoke, and a great way to get babies to sleep
through the night was laudanum*? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The term for this kind of indefensible loyalty is Stockholm
Syndrome, a term coined after the victims of a violent kidnapping startled everyone by
not only fiercely defending their attackers, but also by marrying a few of them. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The desperate need to stay on the same side as the people who have ultimate
control over your continued existence is very real, and when the people in
charge of you getting to keep breathing at 3 years old are your parents, some of that
bonding can be pathological. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLXVbUOwPtPmUReLju5QIZ14ZVTpT2naTQtiMZF4XCMPgiOYjYL5eCTDqUdF97DhKgpqDNQ85McRep3WhABRPQkg7nMWLHpWGA9oobmzQ22CxfFZGS5l4TitFxNVjeZABon9nzacXbQyc/s1600/H3-310309969.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1016" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLXVbUOwPtPmUReLju5QIZ14ZVTpT2naTQtiMZF4XCMPgiOYjYL5eCTDqUdF97DhKgpqDNQ85McRep3WhABRPQkg7nMWLHpWGA9oobmzQ22CxfFZGS5l4TitFxNVjeZABon9nzacXbQyc/s320/H3-310309969.jpg" width="201" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This effect is also more generally called betrayal
bonding. The bond is for survival, it is based entirely in fear (and if you
having someone 12’ tall [<span style="font-size: x-small;">Robert P. Wadlow, left, is only 8'11"</span>] holding you still by one arm and shouting in your face, I
promise you: fear is what you would be feeling, not respect) … which is used by
parents because, frankly, it ‘works.’ Or it appears to work. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Compliance is
often swift. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The fallout is nasty, but it takes longer to see, and in our
culture—as noted—the side effects initially look totally normal. And we are kind of into 'instant' results without thought about the future...</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The 'future' ...with drug addiction and violent crime, teen rebellion and sneaking out at night and stealing the car ... </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Mommy-Shaming & Lame Arguments</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There are two arguments that will never change my mind about how
command-and-control tactics harm children and that the tactics are wrong even
if they work are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #073763; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">You can’t shame parents for their
own choices (</span>oh, yes, actually, we certainly can because it harms children, and
passes on the harm of generations of other children harmed with no better
argument for doing so than ‘I was harmed this way, so must every other child
be.’)</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">And </span></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #073763; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was raised this way, and I
turned out fine (</span>no, you did not: being an advocate for child abuse is not
‘fine’ by any definition of the word.)</span></blockquote>
</div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Well, That was Harsh</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yup, it is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I know it will never change the mind of a single person who
still believes that they will die if they betray their parents. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjece4MqUtTAD8iCJ2mEChQBPR47nRy-pzSCSMBNuAs6XcK8BJJyBaDLeLc2r3C9LfPJ3eqZcfhutTxlMv_XOqGRSpgce6HBQlUOZy_J4nXVhE1Wrctl4oUwQlflQAgfpK-rP-S2Iv55K4/s1600/7006708747_28f2af3770_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjece4MqUtTAD8iCJ2mEChQBPR47nRy-pzSCSMBNuAs6XcK8BJJyBaDLeLc2r3C9LfPJ3eqZcfhutTxlMv_XOqGRSpgce6HBQlUOZy_J4nXVhE1Wrctl4oUwQlflQAgfpK-rP-S2Iv55K4/s200/7006708747_28f2af3770_o.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">These fine folk are
raging and formulating their outraged comments and I am a terrible person and
probably mentally ill and dangerous and a whole slough of other character flaws
that are probably permanent, and possibly I’m a supernatural creature who feeds
babies to some kind of furnace or tempts virgins to something or other. I know,
I know –it’s all be said. <span style="font-size: x-small;">(Do feel free to write it in the comments anyhow, I like a laugh </span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">—but do personally stand up for the beliefs you claim, nothing anonymous gets through</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;">I’m cool with that: I’m not here to change
people’s minds, not even about me and all of my character flaws. I am just here to help parents who want a different way to find
a different way.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 107%;"><b>Advocates for those Peaceful / Gentle Parenting Tactics</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Proponents of ‘peaceful’ parenting actually recommend locking
children in isolation based on the time of day (or the parent’s preference for
peace and quiet) and leaving them locked in regardless of the duration or
intensity of the child’s protest, with instructions for parents like ‘clean up the puke in
the morning,’ and with information that sounds like psychology but that is
actually abuse, like ‘he just needs to be upset, and that’s okay.’ </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>These people are wrong</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Just to be really clear: there are no circumstances in the
world when any human ‘needs’ to be upset. There are many when humans <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i> upset, but that is not a need. Needs
(when met) feed growth, health and happiness. The assertion that being upset is
a ‘need’ is a guru making up stories to make followers feel better (than they
naturally do) about causing or ignoring their children’s distress.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is a reason people feel bad about treating children badly.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Other recommendation from the Gentle and Peaceful world (<span style="font-size: x-small;">do, please, point out the gentle and the peaceful to me in any of this, I can't find it</span>):</span> </div>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">bribery with food –one parenting commentator
routinely recommends ‘promise a treat when they comply’</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">withholding food (and other necessities of life)
for compliance, such as ‘send them to bed hungry and inform them that it is their
decision to be hungry and they can eat in the morning if they comply then’ and
‘take away their food if they drop or throw it, declaring that they are no
longer hungry and refuse to give in, they’ll learn very quickly’</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">stealing or holding their property hostage
for compliance –-the usual and popular ‘take away all their electronics until
they do what you demand’ akin to 'give the wifi password when the chores are done' bribe</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">threatening them (with everything from not
having a birthday party this year to Santa not coming to being sent to boarding
school) so they comply</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">get them used to being spied on by enemies so
they will feel both hunted and guilty (<i>omg</i>, the horrible Elf on the Shelf, but
also Santa ‘watching’ and judging, even angels or gods are used for
this, which seems a <i>little bit</i> evil)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">snoop through any and all of their stuff (they
aren’t real people, they have no right to privacy of any kind, at any age, as
long as they are living under ‘your roof’)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">children need to learn that they are not the
boss of parents / the household, and that lesson need not be gentle or kind in
its delivery</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">children need to learn what the parents insist
on them learning, when the parents are ready for them to learn with no
reference at all to the developmental level or capabilities of the child</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">take away the bottle / pacifier / object of
attachment because when parents are finished with their kids needing the self-soothing
tools they introduced, the child must be finished needing it regardless of any
protest or distress</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">children naturally protest growing up, taking on
responsibility, and getting what they really need so any volume, intensity or
duration of protest over parent’s methods is to be taken in stride because
parents know best all the time, and it is up to them to be in charge and decide
everything</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>What The Recommendations Read Like to Domestic Abuse Survivors</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">These experts in 'gentleness' and 'peacefulness' are so used to their place of privilege in this
culture of agism and childism that they have no idea at all how their rationalizations, explanations, reasons, excuses
and justifications really sound like.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What domestic violence abusers do:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">locking their victim out of the house, in the
house, or isolating them from family and friends teaches them who is in charge,
and who knows best for them</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">give victims flowers or jewelry when they do what
is wanted</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">threaten them when they don’t do what is wanted</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">withhold access to money, friends, family, their
own phone, or anything else, so they know who is in charge –and ensure they know
they are being watched so they behave</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">destroy the possessions they cherish, or give
them away or sell them because they deserve it</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">victims need to learn who is
in charge and that they are not the boss of the abuser,
so whatever it takes to teach that is fine and necessary (violence may be
off the table, but gaslighting, isolation, controlling their stuff, emotional
blackmail, guilt, pouting, the silent treatment, ridiculing, criticizing,
intimidating, public shaming… all totally fine)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">victims may protest what is best for them, but abusers know better than what will make victims happy, healthy, mature, have a good
character, or become socially acceptable, the abuser is just trying to help fix the victims flaws (and there are so many flaws…) </span></li>
</ul>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">these are all excuses and justifications used
by bullies and abusers of all kinds</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">including parents</span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>At Least Gentle / Peaceful Parenting is Better Than Mainstream Parenting??</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The absence of spanking (or, sometimes, the absence of
spanking and shouting) does not stop the damage mainstream parenting does, so I
will agree with Alfie Kohn: </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">a time out is better than a spanking the same way a
spanking is better than being shot—none of them are kind or respectful
treatment and none of them qualify as effective parenting tools</span></blockquote>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Removing one (or at the most, two) of the controlling
tactics from the arsenal in the war on children is not at all like
attachment-style parenting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Attachment-style parenting seeks to end the war entirely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> … to be continued<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<o:p><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> _____________</span></o:p></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">*opium dissolved in alcohol, in case you’re not up on your Victorian sleep cures</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-39931692684082851132018-11-06T14:26:00.003-08:002018-11-06T14:26:55.023-08:00So, What Is This Attachment-Style Parenting, then?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe-b8Nke5LLWMjwn-Lhv6RGPlf_j-uFE3Zc43CpFlHh5xULWQvi_FwPif9Xt4reu5UuayjBP4H8MSrUWZaMrpzDcagH2wDKFgH2HngqZ39Nr9vPGtlkGU7l8VCNuviRu7OWu0by1aqpFs/s1600/493276670_b771fc4d66_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2F558AP" border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe-b8Nke5LLWMjwn-Lhv6RGPlf_j-uFE3Zc43CpFlHh5xULWQvi_FwPif9Xt4reu5UuayjBP4H8MSrUWZaMrpzDcagH2wDKFgH2HngqZ39Nr9vPGtlkGU7l8VCNuviRu7OWu0by1aqpFs/s320/493276670_b771fc4d66_o.jpg" title="May's Faves by 'Playingwithbrushes'" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Parenting this other way is about respecting children, for
their humanity, for the truth of their experience, for their body’s wisdom, for
their inborn genuine goodness, for the people they were before they were born. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The cool thing about parenting this way is that one of the
primary results is that children raised respectfully become respectable and
respectful. Exactly the opposite of what the critics up there formulating their
outraged comments get. And, for most people, that is a happy accident and a side-effect
of why they are parenting this way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Treating People Well Feels Better</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We treat children this way because it feels better (to
ourselves) to be kind, and sometimes because we can remember what it felt like
to feel respected as children (if that ever happened to us) and what it felt
like to be on the receiving end of being controlled by systems, rules, clocks,
and adults determined to get their own way, and not listen, no matter what. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We treat children either the way we were treated (there are
many, many adults walking around today who were never bribed or threatened,
never made to pretend to sleep when they weren’t tired, or required to comply
with mercurial demands), or the way we have decided is respectful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Specifics?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This whole way of parenting is 180<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">°</span> from how most people think about
and talk about children, so for newcomers to this idea, one of the hardest
ideas to convey is the foundation of why words like ‘misbehaviour’ (‘acting
out,’ ‘making poor choices,’ whatever) and ‘obedience’ (‘listening,’
‘cooperating,’ and ‘minding’) are not relevant. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My goal as a mother was never to create compliant or
obedient children who never misbehaved. Starting with a single fact: children
do not ‘misbehave’ –they just behave. They do the best they can with what they
understand as far as they are developed at this point. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyBWg73Opn-Q4eFUYz4haNTb0mmTjgmqlAO4gJo-jt_kwkSylK-1-YtK7y8CuuBJa86B6mlg1sMxZOjVo7HR40o8agGZCSVyI0IDUxg-fPUTtMC1AAQJ33gmgjnyiTJjfwPVnKi0hir2U/s1600/5089359734_964a6f9dd2_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2zz35Pz" border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="1024" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyBWg73Opn-Q4eFUYz4haNTb0mmTjgmqlAO4gJo-jt_kwkSylK-1-YtK7y8CuuBJa86B6mlg1sMxZOjVo7HR40o8agGZCSVyI0IDUxg-fPUTtMC1AAQJ33gmgjnyiTJjfwPVnKi0hir2U/s320/5089359734_964a6f9dd2_o.jpg" title="shadow self by Christopher Brown" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Kids just behave. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #073763; font-size: large;">They do the best they can with what they understand as far as they are developed at this point. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That sometimes their behaviour
makes a mess, or causes problems for others, or hurts someone is not a reason
to punish them, but a reason to understand what they were attempting, and to
see if there is a way to accomplish what they were trying to do that doesn’t
have the unfortunate effects adults don’t want (like having to clean up messes,
bothering others or hurting people or animals.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I love this flowchart </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxrT2y-0iG53yd_AaXn6wMVJY0aQISpuURf8XZ2GyRKqA9k8-NDgkD9mtlgQYFScXOt-JdHSFEiyjdbDKYvpXcFE8yMlW0ctxveHp97D8V7z2B70G4H7uvCnunlo5VF7dR9r_fnZZMlTY/s1600/should-spank-my-child-a-comprehensive-flowchart-are-they-old-5656177.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="566" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxrT2y-0iG53yd_AaXn6wMVJY0aQISpuURf8XZ2GyRKqA9k8-NDgkD9mtlgQYFScXOt-JdHSFEiyjdbDKYvpXcFE8yMlW0ctxveHp97D8V7z2B70G4H7uvCnunlo5VF7dR9r_fnZZMlTY/s320/should-spank-my-child-a-comprehensive-flowchart-are-they-old-5656177.png" width="282" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"> </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">because until a child is rational, the child is not rational,
so things that seem rational to adults will never seem rational to children
(and vice versa.)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>My Whole, Complete Newborn Human</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBBSlNLUiP5hsGN16U_tH-YqacB1Yl3_R9-mv7GCS_qSVXRAinYpaz8XdfxxsmgjClyeNUtkdtgpa8B2wzHcRY954iJu9-EWO3uEY8Mua2_uIr1qYNrsnkxWHyzoN0JQ5RrAy5RAcBk0c/s1600/11251730_10153220949056728_4757388503249750365_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBBSlNLUiP5hsGN16U_tH-YqacB1Yl3_R9-mv7GCS_qSVXRAinYpaz8XdfxxsmgjClyeNUtkdtgpa8B2wzHcRY954iJu9-EWO3uEY8Mua2_uIr1qYNrsnkxWHyzoN0JQ5RrAy5RAcBk0c/s320/11251730_10153220949056728_4757388503249750365_n.jpg" title="The Beautiful Janet Selfie by Janet Clement" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> When my eldest was born, I was looking into the face of an
obvious person, a real live human being who was already completely present. She
wasn’t going to be sub-human, or a fake person, until magically turning into a
human being (an adult), or a real person, at some date far in the future.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> It was perfectly obvious to me that she was also completely
whole and good. She was a 3-minute-old human person. She wasn’t 0/12<sup>th</sup>
of a 1-year-old. She wasn’t 0/228<sup>th</sup> of a 19-year-old. She was not
partly a person, or an empty bucket to be filled with my brilliance and wisdom,
like some sycophant breathlessly awaiting the installation of the wise woman’s
delicate pearls of knowledge. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">S</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">he was also not broken, flawed or evil.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoSLckgJE38WnfBadwPj6Wi4uv0t2yNIGrgpMJfjy9BLSJI-6o-dK0F_pXC2_M8KMo2xntvXvKGTpJnJ9AxPqNWrpyqhpd6BvLesYv63BldJnCT_i9RRJ_HD1zOXFHzsMHiKIxCCoTOE4/s1600/11828661_10155834942545654_2774226774158477800_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="603" data-original-width="419" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoSLckgJE38WnfBadwPj6Wi4uv0t2yNIGrgpMJfjy9BLSJI-6o-dK0F_pXC2_M8KMo2xntvXvKGTpJnJ9AxPqNWrpyqhpd6BvLesYv63BldJnCT_i9RRJ_HD1zOXFHzsMHiKIxCCoTOE4/s320/11828661_10155834942545654_2774226774158477800_n.jpg" title="Fiona & Janet 3&5 by mall photographer" width="222" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I have no idea how anyone can look into the eyes of a
newborn and see evil, except to say that people do not see the world as the
world is, they see the world as they are: evil people see evil everywhere,
regular people can’t figure out what they’re talking about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The next obvious thing to me was that I could not know
better than my daughter when she was hungry, tired, bored, overwhelmed,
curious, content or enthusiastic. That was all about her own internal
experience, and I could not feel how full (or empty) her stomach was, not only
because I had no way of knowing what number of calories she was burning, but
also because I had no idea how many calories she needed or how fast she was
digesting her food.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I could certainly not declare that x-many minutes of sleep
was insufficient or too much for that body now. And it dawned on me that the
clock, and any distant self-declared expert, was certainly never going to know
more about her immediate need (or lack of need) for sleep than her body.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">From this I learned to trust her. I respected her experience
of herself and her life, and had the most wonderful ride imaginable, watching
her grow from herself as a tiny newborn into herself as a full-grown, married,
beautiful and intelligent and kind and respectable woman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdE61MfH3FcLD0lghx4JQHIJQOP64vlTKc6QwJmSB1JRHuzjouI06x1hE1niTPADes_42wsz9icNxpGQs6_-yGK2qEJmpfVLiWznRH1uEX7EAardMwLXm75RuLg8mtH1gOeYxV5DajqUU/s1600/camera+july+2016+1156.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdE61MfH3FcLD0lghx4JQHIJQOP64vlTKc6QwJmSB1JRHuzjouI06x1hE1niTPADes_42wsz9icNxpGQs6_-yGK2qEJmpfVLiWznRH1uEX7EAardMwLXm75RuLg8mtH1gOeYxV5DajqUU/s200/camera+july+2016+1156.jpg" title="Trying on the Whites by Linda Clement" width="112" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> I made a lot of mistakes along the way, and every single one
of them were from listening to people who knew ‘better’ than she did what she
needed, what she was trying to accomplish, and what she ‘meant.’ They were
almost always wrong, and they were usually deeply disrespectful in the process.
She was right, she always knew: this is what I am interested in now, this is
me, this is what I want and need, this is my life, this is what I want to
attempt to accomplish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNA_2XN5NKRFICFNRboKYSm9jy34eEY8RFLYrCE1qw-L0Owy4hUsjjbz6k4ix2DzSss-7QJ6Dl2eEkf3q-G2IVw8JI8hnQ_vTmHRrO0S48WZPqBL3BblCOxoGe6Z-eM-FJ8I-WLtbyAhc/s1600/35442_468350565810_6680336_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNA_2XN5NKRFICFNRboKYSm9jy34eEY8RFLYrCE1qw-L0Owy4hUsjjbz6k4ix2DzSss-7QJ6Dl2eEkf3q-G2IVw8JI8hnQ_vTmHRrO0S48WZPqBL3BblCOxoGe6Z-eM-FJ8I-WLtbyAhc/s200/35442_468350565810_6680336_n.jpg" title="Fiona & Janet at Christmas by Linda Clement" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> And, because I have clearly been well-behaved in some life, I also got to have another daughter, totally different and exactly the same as the first: whole, complete, already human at birth.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When people compliment me on my daughters, which happens
often, I always demure: they came this way, I just limited how much I screwed
them up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-380755584517769572018-11-06T14:02:00.000-08:002018-11-06T14:02:39.767-08:00Announce & Wait, part 2, or Why it does not work for all kids<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Announce & Wait –
a Caveat: </span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> it takes a minute or so. . .<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The feedback on the post <a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2016/11/announce-and-wait.html" target="_blank">Announce & Wait</a> has made me
realize that not all people are starting this kind of parenting thing from the
earliest days of their parenting life, and many people have a history of not-this-kind-of-parenting
… which makes some of the suggestions look like they don’t ‘work’.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6cZvKgQ1z37J3KfG48PVdBmfqe_QSAmT_5zZY3UhQCBCWbmjbi0gaXgF_0Zql5x69MPN7smgLo1ULWp5g5s0cJk_3FqxOP7SOFqWBrGrD2JKyafz49lhBDMHCmUSb7JUylqOMwpMQGwk/s1600/comment+snip.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="403" data-original-width="1530" height="84" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6cZvKgQ1z37J3KfG48PVdBmfqe_QSAmT_5zZY3UhQCBCWbmjbi0gaXgF_0Zql5x69MPN7smgLo1ULWp5g5s0cJk_3FqxOP7SOFqWBrGrD2JKyafz49lhBDMHCmUSb7JUylqOMwpMQGwk/s320/comment+snip.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">In case you don’t feel like wandering over and reading the
<a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2016/11/announce-and-wait.html" target="_blank">related piece</a>, that <a href="https://lindaclement.blogspot.com/2016/11/announce-and-wait.html" target="_blank">post</a> is essentially a suggestion for how to have more
peaceful cooperation with things like toothbrushing, diaper changes and getting
ready to leave the building when it’s -73</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">°</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">C outside: gather everything
you need, go to where you need to do it (at the door, on the floor near the
changing pad, or on the way to the washroom with the toothbrushes in it) saying
--to someone whose full attention you actually have--‘I’m going to brush your
teeth [or whatever] now…’ and wait. Stay still, don’t say anything, and really
don’t say it again. Just wait. Meditate. Everyone needs more opportunities to
focus on staying in the moment. Every parent I have ever met wishes for more
uninterrupted time to be themselves in … what a wonderful free moment you are
being given, until the little one processes the information, sorts out what
they want to do, and comes to go along with your plans.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-8oyc8rkjksYyKsikINu-W9au_bdozR1iE2mseWepgzAa5oWJkgORfVpkeegsq3TdAd5vuqS-PMJNlaqsVzoYSbWm2zny0rX0eC2_WPDGQtmCsbs0SQ5JPY7fFV57YapIIDzw6xcfgJs/s1600/16280303709_3ac166b703_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt=""https://www.flickr.com/photos/donnieray/16280303709/" " border="0" data-original-height="1008" data-original-width="1600" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-8oyc8rkjksYyKsikINu-W9au_bdozR1iE2mseWepgzAa5oWJkgORfVpkeegsq3TdAd5vuqS-PMJNlaqsVzoYSbWm2zny0rX0eC2_WPDGQtmCsbs0SQ5JPY7fFV57YapIIDzw6xcfgJs/s320/16280303709_3ac166b703_o.jpg" title="Sissy come play in the road with me by Donnie Ray Jones" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That is the suggestion in that post. It works. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">However . . . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Think of all the other ways people are told to ‘encourage’
kids to do things the kids don’t necessarily want to do or agree are very
important. Toddlers don’t understand ‘cavities in 18 months’ or ‘frozen flesh
warnings.’ Parents do, which is why they get to be in charge of the hygiene and
safety stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1arQ5gqaRDp_342ks1IzaYv1PJPJp44fHWsz4g5baR_LN-mLobUx0WhC1f9j4SKyApF99msn4YnImyo15gkPHVKOzEmQ-YyRyN45ZbohpGpdvDyKHYxY0YIaUkIVgnD_G29zHhc5-Tg/s1600/9214057163_b559b253a4_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2yYlPrY" border="0" data-original-height="1079" data-original-width="1600" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1arQ5gqaRDp_342ks1IzaYv1PJPJp44fHWsz4g5baR_LN-mLobUx0WhC1f9j4SKyApF99msn4YnImyo15gkPHVKOzEmQ-YyRyN45ZbohpGpdvDyKHYxY0YIaUkIVgnD_G29zHhc5-Tg/s200/9214057163_b559b253a4_o.jpg" title="Cute Baby by Dora Hon" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When you’re just entering the ‘I don’t want to do what you
want to do because you want to do it’ stage with, say, a 14- or 18-month-old
child, starting with this approach before any other approach is attempted makes
it ‘work’ –peacefully, and at least as effectively as anything else anyone
suggests, but again: peacefully, which isn’t how most command-and-control,
coercion, or orders –sorry ‘opportunities for cooperation’—usually turn out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How Orders [ahem . .
. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">opportunities to cooperate</i>] Turn
Out<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Even if they work, there are natural responses to ordering
people around, and pretty much every parent looking for ideas for how to make
their days go more smoothly have ample evidence of what those responses look
like:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs4068rGBCayVbP9mHTlUumFGQR6tu0og8mCmP33zhTV9j3MqR4dsDzKWG0NW3_M5VhTxNoB31iLH9G5zDHTzP-v8nVcdOS3VLy7KSK1i29JbbpnGi-WlbGvGoarsufdBnTiUguJvYOaQ/s1600/2192192956_2396facab1_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2qyr8di" border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs4068rGBCayVbP9mHTlUumFGQR6tu0og8mCmP33zhTV9j3MqR4dsDzKWG0NW3_M5VhTxNoB31iLH9G5zDHTzP-v8nVcdOS3VLy7KSK1i29JbbpnGi-WlbGvGoarsufdBnTiUguJvYOaQ/s320/2192192956_2396facab1_o.jpg" title="/doh by hobvias sudoneighm" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Is my child deaf? I swear she
could hear a moment ago when I unwrapped a chocolate bar… three rooms away
behind a door. . . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I am SO
tired of the word ‘no,’ it is all the kids ever say. . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I don’t have the energy to chase
the child around the house every time we need to do something. . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Oh, great, I don’t have time for
another temper tantrum right now, we need to GOooooo!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sometimes people think I’m talking about kids’ reactions. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Kids’ reactions are just their response to what is happening
around them, to them, and within themselves. That’s all perfectly natural. It’s
also inevitable and unchangeable from the outside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The reactions that aren’t ‘working’ for the parents are the
parent’s: impatience, frustration, irritation, martyrdom, hopelessness,
exasperation, desperation, depletion and burnout. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Often parents see the kids’ behaviour as the driving force causing
these responses, which is pretty usual in a culture that shames anyone
responsible for anything, and encourages people to evade blame at all costs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">However. . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGwLcgTNnATkVGMJH2MMhyaI-utJkG2sTb7McFxYm1XYJmsgsee3-JGRH4MZy9oQDsZXxHidSZQPMtarUDRsOE9yWhpBjANNWi3ntUZcAa6qwq0yA7_d-DyWC-HmWcJThL5twi78RihpA/s1600/m-4272.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/15QQq9E" border="0" data-original-height="387" data-original-width="290" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGwLcgTNnATkVGMJH2MMhyaI-utJkG2sTb7McFxYm1XYJmsgsee3-JGRH4MZy9oQDsZXxHidSZQPMtarUDRsOE9yWhpBjANNWi3ntUZcAa6qwq0yA7_d-DyWC-HmWcJThL5twi78RihpA/s320/m-4272.jpg" title="Tallulah Bankhead on the set of Batman, 1960s series" width="239" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A great friend who has renamed herself Talloolah in the
tradition of Wise Women everywhere who step outside the mainstream, says
‘<b><span style="font-size: large;">expectations are just planned disappointments</span></b>.’ </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Another friend, who proudly
calls herself a Crone, says ‘<span style="font-size: large;">that’s not just asking for frustration, that’s
ordering it</span>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I segued away there to pave the way to say something rather
counter-culture: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">choose your action, choose your response</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Am I saying that parents are asking for frustration and
irritation and burnout on purpose? </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Absolutely not. Am I saying that they are
doing it without realizing it, and often without any awareness of what is
happening? You bet!</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">By choosing
your action, you are choosing your response<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">If you
order another human being to do your bidding, you are choosing resistance.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> </span>It’s
basic human nature, and while there are unicorns in the world who might comply
instantly for fun or because the sun is up, the chances of you having given
birth to one (or adopted one, or had one assigned to your classroom or sign up
for your daycare services) are kind of remote. They aren’t called unicorns
because they are everyday horses –or because they are people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuB_FVH_xRlWaY8olzpAaI-8a16d5vG08fRx3494iQR9EseM1ZGEgUwQvbPEvTyJQY8TSwkmMusNCqNtrV4BqVYpvmLvv4FzgXxJniDPvNXC9Pv8L2cDXkh1BnSr6aGQl_8-NXBn89Ft0/s1600/425146487_f677dff2a7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2QoUDtl" border="0" data-original-height="809" data-original-width="1065" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuB_FVH_xRlWaY8olzpAaI-8a16d5vG08fRx3494iQR9EseM1ZGEgUwQvbPEvTyJQY8TSwkmMusNCqNtrV4BqVYpvmLvv4FzgXxJniDPvNXC9Pv8L2cDXkh1BnSr6aGQl_8-NXBn89Ft0/s320/425146487_f677dff2a7_o.jpg" title="Nag Nag Nag!!!!!! by KaCey97078" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">If you nag
a human being to do what you want when they clearly are doing something else,
you are choosing frustration AND resistance. </span></b>It’s basic human
nature. Humans do not like being told what to do, and when the resistance to being
ordered around becomes second-nature, humans will not do what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i> want to do if they think it aligns
with what the authority wants them to do. This is the basis of a lot of
‘forgetting’ and procrastination. Repeating the order is just irritating to everyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">If you
interrupt a human being with what you believe is more important (to you) than
what is important to them, you are choosing exasperation. </span></b>It is
basic human nature. People of all ages naturally resist having other people
choose their priorities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The Long
Way to Say: announce and wait ‘works’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. . .when the person involved trusts your motives<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is hard to hear that the reason your child does not
respond to your communication openly and eagerly . . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. . . it is hard to hear that this is about trust and
connection. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzk0NOExNecqdDnHB5Lm9NhjHa0sxiQDVUtP9hXsMJqHpahJIB7k31CUemZ91meoEblDQAa0DMLyBI0boUi1x5fSVeCauVe8OK59CiWbNrLq-OA1aQD8Tr8ppRT-kv5zryJIeF6iqz_CM/s1600/4460253863_8ccc099b1d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2D6xyYs" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1082" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzk0NOExNecqdDnHB5Lm9NhjHa0sxiQDVUtP9hXsMJqHpahJIB7k31CUemZ91meoEblDQAa0DMLyBI0boUi1x5fSVeCauVe8OK59CiWbNrLq-OA1aQD8Tr8ppRT-kv5zryJIeF6iqz_CM/s320/4460253863_8ccc099b1d_o.jpg" title="Haitian Boy --Village 41 by Brenton Rogers" width="216" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Resistance to you and your words is not built on trust, it’s
built on command-and-control parenting styles. Even ‘peaceful’
command-and-control styles. The thing about human nature is that the words
don’t matter. At all. Call is ‘peaceful’ if you want to, if it is coercive,
command-and-control, the resistance you encounter will be the truth of the
situation. Call it ‘attachment’ when you leave the baby with a total stranger
for something ‘important’ and the baby will still be freaked out by the
stranger. Call it ‘logical consequences’ and the child will perceive it as the
punishment that it is, because it is imposed in response to ‘poor choices’
(read: adult-determined ‘bad behaviour’) and never to ‘good choices.’ That is
how you can always tell it is not ‘natural’ consequences, because the universe
supplies those quite without fear or favour, regardless of what anyone ‘meant.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">not</b> about
‘bad’ parenting. That’s a value judgement that people take personally,
naturally resist, and isn’t helpful in any context. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> is </b>about
taking bad advice –sometimes without thinking about it at all, sometimes
because of where it came from (our own childhoods, often) and sometimes because
of how delightfully convenient and simple it would be if it did work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Bad advice is the kind that can’t work because it fails to
accept reality as a premise. Coercive, command-and-control parenting advice is
like that: it can’t work because: people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip48-RXo2qVFugt4lrmCbpTM4J5DMAtBgH9mJu5rga4wdjXicOVjgD7ej9P2uUjzljajOtCgaIdyMCEYrcRm6fnstfRZnhlKYIXj5NRSUOxNOW483HrSScEmSTa0nN1i3tuEc36vhkMpE/s1600/6542061925_ae73de3b1f_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2JJAg7E" border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip48-RXo2qVFugt4lrmCbpTM4J5DMAtBgH9mJu5rga4wdjXicOVjgD7ej9P2uUjzljajOtCgaIdyMCEYrcRm6fnstfRZnhlKYIXj5NRSUOxNOW483HrSScEmSTa0nN1i3tuEc36vhkMpE/s320/6542061925_ae73de3b1f_o.jpg" title="Tatu's patience is stretched at Anuna Beach by Kandukuru Nagarjun" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is about the problem with following age-old (and
sometimes new-sounding) advice that disregards basic human nature because …
well, I don’t really know why it disregards basic human nature. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Maybe because for a really long time, kids have not been
thought of as really human. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Maybe because it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sounds</i>
like it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should </i>work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Maybe because it feels like it would be faster if you could
just activate the Voice Command Software and have a smooth-running,
adults-deferred-to, convenient ‘the Queen is in charge of the Universe and the time
at which other people wash their faces’ house… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I don’t really know what is the impetus behind disregarding
basic human nature in favour of the stories around ‘you should be able to
control your kid’ and all the advice that sounds like that … but I do know it is
fantasy fiction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sure, if people weren’t people, maybe it would work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If kids weren’t people, maybe it would work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It doesn’t work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4rt6rK4INkDtHv4jyLravFnJnYMxa1gcrvJLilLkBtAe_siSdFMgItE8dKzdjYJ65kVdLUrk4UczFRsND-xO0At9RsT5im4iPH3Xe8Xq-Y_prMOEG1riDM4z_Yz692qMlAjngeiggUtA/s1600/1834725880_34d68d98cb_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2JK37sj" border="0" data-original-height="1015" data-original-width="1600" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4rt6rK4INkDtHv4jyLravFnJnYMxa1gcrvJLilLkBtAe_siSdFMgItE8dKzdjYJ65kVdLUrk4UczFRsND-xO0At9RsT5im4iPH3Xe8Xq-Y_prMOEG1riDM4z_Yz692qMlAjngeiggUtA/s400/1834725880_34d68d98cb_o.jpg" title="Open the door by Alex Grech" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because: people.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMPXQJCSEDhnLfovtDNh4yKXFl2Lr0onCYYT5a-fKNByiZwUev3jRIbioTc0J_kadn_wHvmgsQlyU7kI_AOeT43TJwSPrzR5WBZadpakYwsabBgMIBpo9fHhGowyyARJGWSg2Fy3cUmtg/s1600/6289143895_3dceaaf9c7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1426" data-original-width="1069" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMPXQJCSEDhnLfovtDNh4yKXFl2Lr0onCYYT5a-fKNByiZwUev3jRIbioTc0J_kadn_wHvmgsQlyU7kI_AOeT43TJwSPrzR5WBZadpakYwsabBgMIBpo9fHhGowyyARJGWSg2Fy3cUmtg/s200/6289143895_3dceaaf9c7_o.jpg" width="149" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And the length of time the sun is visible in the sky does
not change based on the number humans decide to put on their clocks, and there
is no ‘daylight’ to ‘save’ by changing them. Not sure why that bit of weirdness
ever took hold, either, but here we are: daylight hours in the Northern
hemisphere shorten through October and November, just as they are lengthening
in the Southern hemisphere and staying completely the same at the equator
–let’s all change the clocks and pretend something else is happening because …
then children will have Voice Command Software and they will magically stop being
human and stop resisting being controlled by … um … nah. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It’ll never work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">What is the Caveat?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The caveat to Announce-and-Wait is that in a place where
kids are used to being, expecting to be, and have a lot of experience being
ordered around (sorry I meant so say: motivated to comply / encouraged to
listen… but really: ordered around), they will absolutely not magically
‘perform’ differently in the face of one simple change of a parent’s behaviour
in this instance. It <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will</i> ‘work’
–just not right away, and maybe not at all today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because this is about trust. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Trust is messy, because people want to control what other
people think and feel … and that urge alone damages trust. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Wanting other people to trust you feels controlling to them,
and that damages their ability to trust you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This Relationship
Thing is COMPLICATED!<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4XeUZvuUUubKJ2SI_HbcvubuQMyxaXWYo2UOsw991faoidR_pgfRGdy2e8HGZl_5mjo83WdS3tgl2gKNlWlsgqEGfnWkw8xuVoRuLKjsKzj4iYlknQB3opzlFKdXFO6hLzGs5O3_vPps/s1600/5337817149_ce76b600f9_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://bit.ly/2QtSpZO" border="0" data-original-height="1052" data-original-width="1600" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4XeUZvuUUubKJ2SI_HbcvubuQMyxaXWYo2UOsw991faoidR_pgfRGdy2e8HGZl_5mjo83WdS3tgl2gKNlWlsgqEGfnWkw8xuVoRuLKjsKzj4iYlknQB3opzlFKdXFO6hLzGs5O3_vPps/s320/5337817149_ce76b600f9_o.jpg" title="queue by jenny downing" width="320" /></a></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As much as we want to feel capable and in control, the
simple reality of relationships is phrased the way a late friend put it:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This is
me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That is
you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">All the ‘this is me’ stuff we are in control of is:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"> 1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">our words and,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"> 2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"> </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">our
actions.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We don’t control our thoughts, emotions, the world around
us, the weather on Europa or what other people think of us or what they think
about what we do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">All the ‘that is you’ stuff we are in control of is this list
here:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> 1.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> . . . </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Even in our own very young children, we cannot control the
impact we have on them, what they think about what we do or say, how they
understand what we do or say, what they think our actions and words mean about
them and their value as people, or how much they trust or respect us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">One more time for the
people in the back</b>: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">we do not get to
decide what impact our actions and words have on other people</i>. </span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We do not control what they think about us, or about
themselves when we are affecting them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When we make changes, of any kind really, we are not the
people who get to decide how those changes will be perceived by others. We
don’t get to decide that we have sufficient authority for others to go along
with those changes instantly, or to respond to those changes immediately the
way we expect them to or how we hope they will.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Announce-and-wait is not magically different. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWabRgFIAODXBFpneuBUBMMTAW2zoxQQreMYt542ggrJWuxMqNCznyi5PBGugpvs96v2LOacWqr4QAQVre402n1ktDYOn5aXswyPqMdT84bgAdE-hl2EocJ88vwKYPrtQyakBkR_8qe0o/s1600/IMG_20140526_153029208.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="899" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWabRgFIAODXBFpneuBUBMMTAW2zoxQQreMYt542ggrJWuxMqNCznyi5PBGugpvs96v2LOacWqr4QAQVre402n1ktDYOn5aXswyPqMdT84bgAdE-hl2EocJ88vwKYPrtQyakBkR_8qe0o/s320/IMG_20140526_153029208.jpg" title="The Big Clock, things that were lost in the fire by Linda Clement" width="179" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It takes time to make changes that matter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It takes patience, to allow the other people to see that you
really mean it, and this isn’t some new trick you’ve discovered to make them
compliant a new way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It takes time to rebuild trust that you really are not
trying to control them, that they really are free and that you really will wait
for them to be ready to do that thing you want them to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As I said: change is hard. It works, but not instantly like
a Polaroid picture (which also takes a minute…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-32087301603409276172018-02-13T20:32:00.001-08:002019-01-16T13:14:40.485-08:005 Ways to Playfulness: Full Innovation Parenting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTjg6mrkj-ePGimHlz0G14iNEPQayexh1sCkNRwmFZcy9pqbT6DrUTeF9lsQh6SD3YNHKTm1NaN35njBJElbQdq4o9_O6Yc92oXwGtMJXs-b7FP5gMGVxki1cx58o6thCUqhUlbrtwOTc/s1600/10773508456_44651564de_o.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, virtues, values, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTjg6mrkj-ePGimHlz0G14iNEPQayexh1sCkNRwmFZcy9pqbT6DrUTeF9lsQh6SD3YNHKTm1NaN35njBJElbQdq4o9_O6Yc92oXwGtMJXs-b7FP5gMGVxki1cx58o6thCUqhUlbrtwOTc/s320/10773508456_44651564de_o.png" title="Mothers Love by Vinoth Chandler https://www.flickr.com/photos/vinothchandar/10773508456/in/photolist-hq23HN-dPedUs-iJHgWf-8RK4gm-8TZg4D-vgzTV-Jg3XVP-HWFJdG-pfnnBC-b2s9V4-71enAx-64Eppt-3DkN26-qBv43H-oL72mp-xEUK7-4mK99m-gsKHYc-7sEXDy-94cVxC-8XL5cw-jPPSJZ-qfWXsL-Dh7oGK-Dbbcjb-nwcRL1-mMpLCe-pp8uW2-kGMrbT-9NkrcS-iY9Cog-2ynRmL-r3NifJ-cFZHtL-afyuN8-DZHfdW-i8xKL-kUFHAC-5NVGRf-dXj82r-nRe8eN-9hSaAd-dPCF9D-eE67fo-9tRBqK-fp3tYB-5W7N9s-k3BLdi-jSQe1H-9hBMmo" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because February is the month of love the posts this month
are all about values. This one is about playfulness and humour…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Picture this: two women on an international flight, tired
and bored, in a packed economy section for 14 hours. One of them says ‘let’s
play rock-paper-scissors’ and the other one goes along with it (after the third
time it was suggested.) </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Five minutes later, they’re giggling uncontrollably
because they both keep doing ‘rock’ while both keep saying ‘someone has to do
something else’ and then both do it again, anyhow. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Suddenly, the cramped and
noisy plane is background to minutes of joy and laughter. Nothing changed in
the environment, only the willingness to play made these minutes less uncomfortable,
boring and exhausting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDjduePHnZDk7hm4wl8VNpB_nusCKf5P9AERKVPaQDrT5RDrBEnrLhu54nyk9GP0GiekxJdPbQO_y5CIkWT9bptxBkg_Fz8TdCg-8333A6NPybtkr6dlOG-Xe2oq3gUkG5PobtCaAV9g/s1600/Linda2016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDjduePHnZDk7hm4wl8VNpB_nusCKf5P9AERKVPaQDrT5RDrBEnrLhu54nyk9GP0GiekxJdPbQO_y5CIkWT9bptxBkg_Fz8TdCg-8333A6NPybtkr6dlOG-Xe2oq3gUkG5PobtCaAV9g/s200/Linda2016.jpg" title="Linda very serious, by Aida ZJ Alcid" width="112" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Now, of course, the twit who thought up playing
rock-paper-scissors half way across the Pacific ocean at middle-of-the-night
o’clock was me, and I have a long history of being completely ridiculous, but
this is the kind of antic anyone can employ to improve any moment of tedium or
annoyance in any situation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is nothing in the world like a drab February day,
whether it is in the middle of a Canadian (read: seemingly never-ending)
winter, or just the 15<sup>th</sup> rain day in a row, to toss all the possible
dull and irritating aspects of cabin fever into a family. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Let’s have one or
more of them have a cold, or worse (and maybe even more likely) the stomach bug
that’s making the rounds this year. It’s February, so unless it’s one of those
years (divided by a 4) that Olympics are happening –supposing you actually like
or watch the Olympics ever—the tv is mid-season reruns, and by now everyone
knows all the words to every single Dora, Daniel the Tiger, or Elmo’s World
episode… </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDw5YnrT2Hoh4lAsND9czC1_PpLj_krK5lO8udY84vPzhpfjlBFBAPaiMdpHMlvLhUCr0OnhyyXYHhFwiaefwMUOE_mPtDE07bCIZhZWFKlAgD1ImHeSEH59YxxoU4SEOfP6xIA36Vmw0/s1600/3378489363_972fe0a136_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, pile of bills, drab february, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, love, virtues, values" border="0" data-original-height="1329" data-original-width="1600" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDw5YnrT2Hoh4lAsND9czC1_PpLj_krK5lO8udY84vPzhpfjlBFBAPaiMdpHMlvLhUCr0OnhyyXYHhFwiaefwMUOE_mPtDE07bCIZhZWFKlAgD1ImHeSEH59YxxoU4SEOfP6xIA36Vmw0/s200/3378489363_972fe0a136_o.jpg" title="Day 736 / 365 Ski Holiday ouch by Jason Rogers https://www.flickr.com/photos/restlessglobetrotter/3378489363/in/photolist-4nBGW8-69xDbB-r6Wt76-adRCJo-oHby5z-fyUQTc-XckaK1-aG7DKH-Y4k9qN-VWoeGx-ZZev1T-88noA4-sFneXY-qNmMLH-qNvW9k-6ggbxX-axTUxB-4FrAi3-7BfQAK-hwjV1-5B2j4e-5SJg1M-HoBdvG-BaWG6w-HxtgLc-qqS4Ja-fyUQSR-Ay896t-A1ZX7C-zUNWGM-zjntff-dbDpkK-5LxFi1" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The bills from Christmas are still in a worrying pile, so there won’t
be any escapes to the tropics, and even an escape to the local indoor play
place (where <i>everyone</i> can catch that
cold and/or stomach bug, yea!) is not in the budget today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The younger is now determined to get as far up the nose of
the other kids as possible, as quickly as possible –whether by repetitively
patting them on the head ‘gently’ but incessantly, humming or the same three
notes constantly for 9 hours, or saying their favourite word 1100 times until
their mouth is numb and everyone in the building wants to choke them out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And the cat barfs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8bsx9hNyLkh7GKC_ZetPOxtBQSvKi-gtplNNJXBfDckip4B_5ob2KEzRy_TH2kGVcQJSqdXxUU9reSW4RlLsrYHvkE2c5NCXbN09l0h6I7p4zniTxVae2xyL-9P1yKwhDTLzPol48IRM/s1600/15814437798_43df728282_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, improv, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="651" data-original-width="511" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8bsx9hNyLkh7GKC_ZetPOxtBQSvKi-gtplNNJXBfDckip4B_5ob2KEzRy_TH2kGVcQJSqdXxUU9reSW4RlLsrYHvkE2c5NCXbN09l0h6I7p4zniTxVae2xyL-9P1yKwhDTLzPol48IRM/s320/15814437798_43df728282_o.jpg" title="Beatrice Kaufman 1925 by Dave Miller https://www.flickr.com/photos/puzzlemaster/15814437798/in/photolist-isEMgN-bjyBDo-qnY23U-CbtV3h-q6t8oE-pU8LEz" width="249" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Now, who hasn’t been here? In some fashion or other, in the
midst of one of <i>those</i> months, where
the drudgery is rapidly overtaking the exhaustion, and everything tastes like
dry bran.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is a solution, and it is a wacky one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Number 1<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Do <i>anything</i>
differently. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If your house is usually formal, go casual; if it’s usually
casual, really dress up. If the usual routine is for a light breakfast and a big
dinner, reverse it. If you always sit at the table to eat, sit under it. If you
usually wear your clothes frontwards…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is power in the ridiculous, and in the simple joy of
letting go, letting off some steam, and having a laugh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia9rxA4zk5t1K6aO2p5axoxkHgMJvQgey3obOaYJ1kMEV3ZYzakhco7fU3aWd2_YsVcqzjAVRYqD0wPlFSYGLKIqRM9CcWGIIcLFGKs8HHEMagW55F0dWCMzRrxat7wcLTptdEcL4xxgQ/s1600/3373052886_71231a3f70_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="942" data-original-width="1417" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia9rxA4zk5t1K6aO2p5axoxkHgMJvQgey3obOaYJ1kMEV3ZYzakhco7fU3aWd2_YsVcqzjAVRYqD0wPlFSYGLKIqRM9CcWGIIcLFGKs8HHEMagW55F0dWCMzRrxat7wcLTptdEcL4xxgQ/s320/3373052886_71231a3f70_o.jpg" title="Laughing by naomii.tumbler.com https://www.flickr.com/photos/naomii/3373052886/in/photolist-694M7f-f4vNB-4MVZTj-7kcv5h-8HoRde-5HApo2-uky4e-8fFznK-fuu3h-4ZkPtX-qhMYE9-EqmBo-oAHCK-rB6x8N-pp4x2A-6ov3YT-iGNEi1-BvPXD-4bNzMN-bhNms-a3rYmr-JbDdR-7yBY88-5U39vP-65jVsE-6GkPXW-7z6w1u-RUdeEx-6fcPvN-bqashY-9xg5v2-dWHGXj-xydBU-hJETA-rpNHt5-eJ1XMY-6ozef9-crL1gN-agcD9u-67dPD4-d7f1if-eJzqz-5BfN5p-b1WeR4-pov6cD-89sJM3-7vtAgB-aFQ64k-JvseCS-E8Y4i" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What makes one family collapse into a heap of giggles will,
of course, be very different from what unhinges another, but that’s no reason
at all not to try anything.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Be loud, if you’re usually quiet. Play polka music if you
usually prefer the opera. Make sleeve puppets with your sweater, and create two
whole characters who are worried about being invaded by the ‘arm’-ies they find
within…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If you’re often concerned about your adult-like image, use a
child-like voice and make the kinds of silly mistakes in language or
pronunciation toddlers make while trying to figure out this weird language. Dance
like a 3yo. Jump around in the yard like a child pretending to be a kangaroo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Generally goofing around… singing badly, reciting every word
you can think of that starts with J, laying on the floor and kicking in the air
like a young baby, acting like a monster… is the idea, here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Laughter lowers stress levels immediately, it boosts
immunity, improves attention, increases energy, and brings people together in a
specific, important way: cooperation is necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Number 2<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Say yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The first rule of improv is ‘yes.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhFJWXYVXrM1_pXBrRe7TmtjVEkfo6-t3UudZPr3XPJWROQFdkoR_B4f_sKBVsKaF2FyVa5RfVTvfl1bGRUodtbvS_ihBlZ9Q0YSJRcT9FSAjk3byAvhRU04YP69RV_q1FoKyztZANVAo/s1600/7899419760_8a97f919d0_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, virtues, values, Linda Clement, improv, kids' art, Raising Parents, love, children" border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhFJWXYVXrM1_pXBrRe7TmtjVEkfo6-t3UudZPr3XPJWROQFdkoR_B4f_sKBVsKaF2FyVa5RfVTvfl1bGRUodtbvS_ihBlZ9Q0YSJRcT9FSAjk3byAvhRU04YP69RV_q1FoKyztZANVAo/s320/7899419760_8a97f919d0_o.jpg" title="Playing with Chalk (1) by Sam Stockton https://www.flickr.com/photos/cleanslatephotography/7899419760/in/photolist-d33Ahq-pPouP5-brEYbR-dtYfJx-iAH7Qg-paKngK-p4SYuy-65Kspe-dNR6Ez-ioSEVG-9jQkmN-paZ3Hq-k9o76D-8Y9GYF-7TTTsy-qksXCw-nrDRdJ-sShJZg-ehdJij-iAHWxm-bqdasQ-pR55c3-8XkMmM-9bp6k2-bMiaCx-nAQM28-cwGscd-iPTCSm-h2BRuy-hY3FMJ-cHTuMf-iuq7vM-gwPhTE-gwP8Xy-cwGsnA-n4DAUo-jebBDs-qnz2Zt-pnA6mW-p3qf3w-nqeZQk-gwMZyx-qGDBqW-9eg3cS-cBNEcb-obtMZY-i9jzit-7meV8j-bD867t-ndZkSa" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Whatever your team just did, say ‘yes, and…’ to it. The
killer of improvisational humour (and creativity and innovation) is when the
answer is ‘no, not that.’ Even subtle ways of saying ‘no’ like ‘why did you
colour the tree purple?’ or ‘you look like a twerp when you do that’ are humour
killers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Cooperation is key to getting everyone laughing: whatever
the last thing tossed into the air was, greet it with ‘sure, let’s go with that,
now add this’… the 7yo says ‘farty poopy pants’ and instead of doing a rerun of
the lecture about potty language, say ‘yes, and’ by responding ‘party floppy
rants’ … and see what happens next… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This was a game that lasted nearly 10 minutes with my potty-obsessed
niece, as she tried to get me to repeat whatever poop-related phrase she kept
repeating, and I made up other words that rhymed without every saying anything
that she wanted me to, which turned potentially irritating behaviour into the
whole family giggling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Number 3<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Stand out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">‘You know how people look at you when you say things like
that?’ says my terminally-embarrassed-by-her-mother’s-behaviour daughter…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">‘That look is <i>exactly</i>
why I say things like that…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I read a few weeks ago someone who said something like: I
felt like a freak, an outsider, someone who never had any hope of ever fitting
in, until I found Monty Python when I was 12, and thought <i>this is my tribe.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLcbpFMjKxgRQbVzRYsL0HoSZZuggzyUTsO_GTNS7U3etgcGHK9yDj4DJWNcHsoA5F-ImURupgr0NU6HKJDkOl03d8FAzB76mC14RdgDrIjGW16Mf7qn2lpsWgRgKiEgTaE_KmD2FWHOM/s1600/6212976979_3f9ecb36bd_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, improv, stand out, be different, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, love, connection, The Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLcbpFMjKxgRQbVzRYsL0HoSZZuggzyUTsO_GTNS7U3etgcGHK9yDj4DJWNcHsoA5F-ImURupgr0NU6HKJDkOl03d8FAzB76mC14RdgDrIjGW16Mf7qn2lpsWgRgKiEgTaE_KmD2FWHOM/s320/6212976979_3f9ecb36bd_o.jpg" title="Her Smile, His Nerves by Cubmundo https://www.flickr.com/photos/cubmundo/6212976979/in/photolist-e82EJ8-iAHjRu-9p2JvP-qisFuA-AdyMYn-b46yrK-cNppjd-gTcUvj-9zgauG-9cfEqr-swxbQc-iAHc58-pD24Mf-nurV5S-9kkLwV-c852qb-8YtBvy-bzpziB-orZ2qq-64Fupm-ozjii8-6eNtXi-aeoZ8L-9dE42h-a5V18z-P4s9ZN-btyeue-b6vad6-bjP3yb-GMrouS-J4YjEo-at28AK-aeoj5y" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I know that feeling (I was about that age when I found them),
and I sometimes suspect it may be universal: that we all feel awkward, like
outsiders looking in, like we’ll never understand all the things everyone else
seems to just know (like what to say at funerals, or how to stand while someone
is scolding you that isn’t too casual or mocking their intensity, or whatever
it is you’re supposed to look like when you just want them to stop because you
got it the first five words in… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That desire and need to fit in is normal and natural, but
some days we just need to recognize that it isn’t us looking like everyone else
that will lead to our success but standing out might. Shining our unique light
is why we’re here, and we need to help our children feel safe shining theirs
–by not fitting in and doing what is normal (around here.)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">At least sometimes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnOpEJMsOB9FGuXS8nLmRP5rWT74QAL9qfPTWdK2gyv4sYTEsYKhfq0zaPDWlQpPdt-nuCe0oXJr2g3YfO5mHoG6f6-EC5mXoO-5sOdztDJ7uTHhHOnaGI3tnkk6GW0oushTgLUD3GwnY/s1600/9366127967_4a894d9a41_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1065" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnOpEJMsOB9FGuXS8nLmRP5rWT74QAL9qfPTWdK2gyv4sYTEsYKhfq0zaPDWlQpPdt-nuCe0oXJr2g3YfO5mHoG6f6-EC5mXoO-5sOdztDJ7uTHhHOnaGI3tnkk6GW0oushTgLUD3GwnY/s320/9366127967_4a894d9a41_o.jpg" title="Take me to the stars & I'll show you the universe, by Jason Jenkins https://www.flickr.com/photos/jdub1980/9366127967/in/photolist-fgDRwX-b5dbUT-JzrE5c-9LGTPq-dQnz7b-5RUWha-Y4UnPS-6hLebG-Y4UnRf-Y4UnT9-Y4Uop9-c59b8C-YoeRch-YpR99d-YpR8Uq-YpR967-Y4UorJ-YpR93S-Y4Uoo7-Y4UnUS-YptS8r-9DJ9Fk-zaGpH-Y4UowJ-Y4UouQ-mFsmyT-2zhGx4-Y4Uo4E-5HpGiZ-rJjF6D-YpR91Y-9Akg56-YpR8ZL-52CS7d-Y4UoWb-5HpGiP-Y4Uoqm-Y4UoJY-CmciGK-Y4UofS-Y4Uods-Y4Uobo-Y4UoNL-YpR9aA-Y4UohA-Y4UoiC-Y4Uo9E-Y4Uonf-Y4Uots-Y4Uokw" width="212" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Dancing in the puddles in the pouring rain, even if that
neighbours may you think you look crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Dancing in the starlight instead of bedtime, to make an
innovative bedtime routine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Dancing in the dawn light because of being awakened by the
sound of the cat retching, because dancing is better than explaining to the
kids why the cat’s ‘run away.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Laughing always comes in a close second after swearing up a
storm over how inconvenient all these creatures living in our homes really are,
so much of the time…for its therapeutic value. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is a great ad, for some
church or other, where the kids are caught covered in mud from goofing around
with some water, as the parents come home –dad storms off and mom says ‘you’ve
really done it now…’ and everyone waits in dread for the storm to come, but dad
comes into view with the hose, and joins in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We always have the option of doing something unexpected,
sometimes we just need to be reminded that we’re allowed to stand out and be
different.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Number 4<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Look for the unrelated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Part of Monty Python’s quirky humour that immediately
resonated with me, and made me spend several decades trying to figure out, was
the dis-associated randomness. A pair of men doing what looked like a serious
and formal folk dance, but with fish that they slapped each other with. How do
you think that up? The Very Silly political party’s candidate’s name, a string
of weird words and noises that included Wham Bam Tim Tam Fa-tang Fa-tang Ole
Biscuit Barrel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I mean, how? How do you come up with something so
ridiculous?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK5klkT5mcakHdFepskIS_s71P0y1GjAHEJtkZSXnxFWaVaKptqdmWwoZIAfpCa01FbF5nzhVqSp4BAc9aQi5s0mK6lYT2AGvvmiH9EdjRsyYBywdUIMjE64a_rDKb56AkMpcgFZ386HI/s1600/9071311570_98500a9539_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, virtues, values, the Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="1060" data-original-width="1600" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK5klkT5mcakHdFepskIS_s71P0y1GjAHEJtkZSXnxFWaVaKptqdmWwoZIAfpCa01FbF5nzhVqSp4BAc9aQi5s0mK6lYT2AGvvmiH9EdjRsyYBywdUIMjE64a_rDKb56AkMpcgFZ386HI/s320/9071311570_98500a9539_o.jpg" title="DSC2388 by Holger https://www.flickr.com/photos/holgomatpics/9071311570/in/photolist-ePAQTC-r9m85P-8uZLrK-dbz38B-oH8is5-eqdBqu-ihsNRh-qwfLcy-pRG5nC-ijfArt-rcE9Nb-aTkzGB-ad995u-pPKstD-qF8TKD-9XRHwH-q6kLf7-5PFGAz-pmETBf-pCADMG-oodLB6-kec7Vp-nVxHRm-oYjCNf-pmEqNh-9a9q4U-aps9Yn-8X9eGj-dAHL4z-691RFW-9BpUUp-ecPs5D-kbK3wu-r1PyeG-8oMcDu-qD5KEn-nwWJEJ-nbBZ2a-oHqA32-jC4Aeu-bs59XE-pfGQVc-kyPYD8-o6CHdb-HwsMBJ-C76ZsM-rZsshc-ggCUGp-qEJ8LP-e6ysZH" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sometimes innovation is looking at something and adding one
totally unrelated thing: Thomas Kincaid paintings with lights installed in
them. Van Gogh’s view of the sky with what looks like bathtub bubbles swirling
instead of stars. WestJet Airlines’ irreverent safety announcements that
genuinely attract people’s attention. Restaurants without lights, served by
waiters without sight. Training people who are blind to do massage. Putting
internet access into a fridge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Innovation is very often just two ideas beside each other
that don’t initially look like the fit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Number 5<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Be willing to fail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That internet fridge? An idea whose time may never come, and
far from a roaring success… but the creativity is there. What other bizarre and
far more successful ideas might arise from such ludicrous examples of dischord
and never tried?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One of the killers of creativity, innovation, and
playfulness is believing that all bets must be safe bets, that you must know
where this road leads, and that you must avoid failure or mistakes at all
costs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Play requires the Beginner’s Mind: I don’t already know for
sure how this will turn out… what if I…?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Innovation and creativity come more out of play than any
other aspect of thinking or being. Play is our natural way of exploring the
world, and it is our natural way of creating new and innovative ways and
things, from technology to ideas to art. Possibly-Picasso said,</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Every
child is an artist, the problem is to remain an artist once he grows up.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Art is made of play, and all art comes with the 25-50-25
Rule. This is how I remember someone describing this rule:</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> <span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">All real
art requires risk. You have to try something new that you don’t know whether or
not it will work until you do. You don’t know if you can accomplish it, or
sometimes even if it can be accomplished at all. So, some of what you do will
be mediocre: kind of what you were shooting for, but not really all you wanted
it to be, and you’re not sure how to fix it (or if it can be fixed at all.)
That’s probably 50% of most working artist’s material. And a smaller but
significant proportion of the work will be complete crap: irredeemable,
unquestionably lousy, with too many errors or problems to even consider
bothering to try fixing. Call it the 25% craptastic quota.</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> Most
working artists (by which I mean people who are actively making art, not
necessarily people who sell any to anyone, ever) prefer not to make the 25%,
and a whole lot of them will live their whole ‘artistic’ lives safely in the
Mediocre 50% realm: safe, okay, good enough, it will do.</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> The
thing is, there is that other 25% that every honest artist will always admit to
wanting to create: the masterpiece, the amazing, innovative, wonderful,
inspirational stuff that everyone dreams of signing, sitting back and marveling at (whether or not they ever show it to a single other human.)</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> What too
few people know is that 25% of amazing <i>requires</i>
the 25% craptastic quota. In order to risk what it takes to make the marvelous, you have got to be willing to make the crap, because you have to be
working on the edge of what you don’t know you can do well, what you don’t even
know if it <i>can</i> be done well. It costs
25% crap to make the top 25% of your work… or you can just settle in the
middle, and be a never-was instead of a has-been.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Th</span>e failure in not even trying is where most people lose
their shine, and fall into the doldrums of a too-drab life of predictable,
ordinary, fitting in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLkvNhpRQ9w7T3BdXj3OE4QxIPbrSD0WxXh-CGtjiBVhhTiV0lKBS8zv9txO841pS9JsT8s5v4PCOZCePphAGX99QjAR05ajKYhF4m6nht__YjJPlEEpWPy5BxpAl-5yhGrw2Olje3pek/s1600/7227309834_986ab252eb_o.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, humour, humor, playfulness, childlike, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, virtues, values, the Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="1054" data-original-width="1600" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLkvNhpRQ9w7T3BdXj3OE4QxIPbrSD0WxXh-CGtjiBVhhTiV0lKBS8zv9txO841pS9JsT8s5v4PCOZCePphAGX99QjAR05ajKYhF4m6nht__YjJPlEEpWPy5BxpAl-5yhGrw2Olje3pek/s320/7227309834_986ab252eb_o.png" title="Building Freedom by HJ Media Studios https://www.flickr.com/photos/hjmediastudios/7227309834/in/photolist-c1DRqf-9N9E8c-QKvMBJ-RfjT2D-anmzb2-8SVGGC-QYstAx-awrojU-dPaYkY-9N9Egt-a1sQ3j-dPaY6J-cFosBm-i8xt3R-9N9Ej6-UsixMp-5LWz68-QGDj12-6nVgue-Q5rnvk-RdZCQR-p9HV9L-UhBTQr-gokfXF-ejZrm4-8vxY7N-ortje-bZnnCh-YgKanQ-KFDu6d-RL8DM4-pbuGbx-4qQYro-895fnS-eWYsiy-kp6bWT-dYqNgs-9hCaeQ-cWM7Ro-dWTUW3-b2pzcR-aGvUGK-dPaYcb-dYqKqL-4fQZtG-dWNGSv-biBjx-dYqQyL-ecYxCW-spLqp" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Innovation, creativity, and play can elevate a dull February
day, even with sick kids, sick pets, sick weather or sick finances. Try one of
these five ways of bringing light and energy to your dullest days.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-size: large;">P.S. I’d love to have a collection of stories of other
people’s wacky creativity and those magical moments that transform a drab
month… share yours in the comments or join the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/ThriveParentingAP/" target="_blank">ThriveParenting: AP life andrespecting children</a> facebook page to share there…</span><span style="color: #0b5394;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-21234417147308026392018-02-13T19:52:00.003-08:002019-01-16T13:18:34.089-08:0010 Ways to Be Curious & Build Compassion and Vocabulary in The Young<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTjg6mrkj-ePGimHlz0G14iNEPQayexh1sCkNRwmFZcy9pqbT6DrUTeF9lsQh6SD3YNHKTm1NaN35njBJElbQdq4o9_O6Yc92oXwGtMJXs-b7FP5gMGVxki1cx58o6thCUqhUlbrtwOTc/s1600/10773508456_44651564de_o.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="curiosity, virtues, attachment-style parenting, compassion, vocabulary building, being curious, Raising Parents, Linda Clement" border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTjg6mrkj-ePGimHlz0G14iNEPQayexh1sCkNRwmFZcy9pqbT6DrUTeF9lsQh6SD3YNHKTm1NaN35njBJElbQdq4o9_O6Yc92oXwGtMJXs-b7FP5gMGVxki1cx58o6thCUqhUlbrtwOTc/s320/10773508456_44651564de_o.png" title="Mothers Love by Vinoth Chandler https://www.flickr.com/photos/vinothchandar/10773508456/in/photolist-hq23HN-dPedUs-iJHgWf-8RK4gm-8TZg4D-vgzTV-Jg3XVP-HWFJdG-pfnnBC-b2s9V4-71enAx-64Eppt-3DkN26-qBv43H-oL72mp-xEUK7-4mK99m-gsKHYc-7sEXDy-94cVxC-8XL5cw-jPPSJZ-qfWXsL-Dh7oGK-Dbbcjb-nwcRL1-mMpLCe-pp8uW2-kGMrbT-9NkrcS-iY9Cog-2ynRmL-r3NifJ-cFZHtL-afyuN8-DZHfdW-i8xKL-kUFHAC-5NVGRf-dXj82r-nRe8eN-9hSaAd-dPCF9D-eE67fo-9tRBqK-fp3tYB-5W7N9s-k3BLdi-jSQe1H-9hBMmo" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Because February is the month of love, I will be writing
this month’s posts about virtues. Today’s virtue, for no real reason, is
curiosity…</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How does curiosity related to both compassion and vocabulary
in young people?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One way is that without curiosity about the world around us,
we won’t learn new words, like what ‘fleek’ or ‘code 9’ mean, and we’ll be
impaired in our interactions with others. That’s maybe bad, although it’s
popular for the older generation to calcify and be unbending about what
qualifies as a ‘real’ word, ‘real’ usage, ‘real’ pronunciation, or ‘real’
music… fashion, art, movies, whatever. Do we want to become those out-of-touch
folks?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I don’t. But that’s less to do with parenting, and
vocabulary in young children. Middle school kids make up their own vocabulary
(or find it online –urbandictionary, btw, is the source and solution for that,
although it seems to be taken over by grumpy old fogies who judge the words
instead of simply defining them, so perhaps soon urbandictionary will be
supplanted by something fleek…) but in order to get to that point, one has to
be able to converse comfortably with the people around about the world around… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">… and that comes from having the vocabulary to even think
about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Some of the everyday messages our culture sends to kids are
impediments to this vocabulary development.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLAWiFBmLvsEiT9ia0A0f9eniic9Kb1sfmv_hPzGjGwSapB39mo_xKaHc-3irCpYrquSkA_dH8Anqmwic9pX0yzA9xE0MLAXQiNw3DfRGnsu2lrO4a1t1p1gy0KGhyphenhyphenumS4hc6JfUOKO34/s1600/4023394_138ec3ac39_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, kids, love, compassion, curiosity, curious, vocabulary building, virtues, values, The Family Virtues Project, Raising Parents, Linda Clement" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLAWiFBmLvsEiT9ia0A0f9eniic9Kb1sfmv_hPzGjGwSapB39mo_xKaHc-3irCpYrquSkA_dH8Anqmwic9pX0yzA9xE0MLAXQiNw3DfRGnsu2lrO4a1t1p1gy0KGhyphenhyphenumS4hc6JfUOKO34/s320/4023394_138ec3ac39_o.jpg" title="messy kids by Bjorn Bulthuis https://www.flickr.com/photos/bjornb/4023394/in/photolist-mC1S-KTmjx-5zcZZY-5UGfoX-LGuXx-EBzCJD-2bWUxD-eoNqV-9C7ADt-wDGfj-4YHPEA-aWytx2-61p1rn-6nU3tK-9aqXyK-dZgS3t-4cSazr-4QxJSP-p1XW9k-HtmHK-e5izhc-9fWp4d-2W3a9S-65HCFr-5ht9yi-65HHw8-4YDxqR-FJNsV-dyRxxj-q2epJV-5Y7smx-pwuCA8-7bjwka-4cWamE-6opmnj-cwZ2U-e4JWgt-3M87A-69KLEx-opu4kF-r4VXKG-Hi8Nd-iqCdC7-8kjHNT-7yrnFe-6gwEa8-eazP47-7hSF9N-728sn6-7hSFfm" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When kids learn that ‘all noisy kids are bad kids’ they
don’t learn to distinguish in themselves or others the nuances of feelings that
provoke loudness –fury, enthusiasm, terror, grief, excitement, disappointment,
dejection, rage, anxiety, pain, ambivalence, boredom, annoyance, irritation,
aggravation, agitation… All they end up with in the ways to express themselves
to be understood is shouting, feeling ‘bad’ and being ‘upset.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Without the words, we
can’t think<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In a book I read (I really should take better notes) it was
posited that without the vocabulary to think about the world around us and
within us, we are trapped in an internal experience that we can’t describe or
understand, because we simply can’t think about it at all. We think in words. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Without thinking, we
can’t learn</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">From having the vocabulary that describes what we’re seeing
and interacting with and discovering how we feel about it all, we can broaden
our experience of life to include what others are seeing and interacting with,
including how it seems to make them feel. That is: when we have the vocabulary
to share, we can learn how differently we can see, understand, think about and
respond to the world and our feelings about all of that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This learning is the basis of compassion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxj0ggcj4b3isCt_ziRoy6WCs822Qpl1VeWxN3-W8o5yAC6l4sToww-HCxPn-iCPdLADW3KKqaI8aMTaCdI-OS-PVzPsPJu8GV0RR1FdjjHsOPPlrlAepCUaQF4IQSAiOHBCl_H916_CQ/s1600/12175243603_4beb135025_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, curiosity, compassion, kids, love, virtues, values, curious, vocabulary building, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project, kids, love" border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxj0ggcj4b3isCt_ziRoy6WCs822Qpl1VeWxN3-W8o5yAC6l4sToww-HCxPn-iCPdLADW3KKqaI8aMTaCdI-OS-PVzPsPJu8GV0RR1FdjjHsOPPlrlAepCUaQF4IQSAiOHBCl_H916_CQ/s320/12175243603_4beb135025_o.jpg" title="Life is the word by Nicolas Alejandro https://www.flickr.com/photos/nalejandro/12175243603/in/photolist-jxTiKa-4M1wJp-mc16EB-8WkzRS-f8pK2E-w5csww-eEfHNr-Bu1ZvQ-bH2dWR-aew471-8B8Swd-oE3qGo-p92cJn-8Hg5U4-c6E71C-aWBggZ-ciK2hA-roXyTY-atF7qJ-aTcehR-ggaUWh-bxoXwC-nvpje8-dg5ZnZ-99h5sg-sbZnbB-FWVWLq-MgWSr4-LrPek5-MpfJu8-LrMTVW-NF35ZA-asBVQJ-aF9m9a-q3Bsyc-am4yyK-rTcy7s-dYPfZQ-daMrVE-ntDfUG-9EtgUT-dyLUV9-qbvgvb-kDpDWg-cAU1PY-6R1fye-MejsX5-LXpUxh-LNiHA5-LrX2Uc" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Without learning,
there is no compassion</b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When we learn the words to describe our own experience,
internal and external, we simultaneously learn the words others use to describe
their experiences, internal and external. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is telepathy: the minds joining
in the space between them, to hear and be heard, to understand and feel
understood, to feel and to feel <i>felt</i>
–as Daniel J. Siegel describes in his many books (<i>Parenting from the Inside Out</i>, <i>Mindsight</i>,
etc.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We can’t do it if we don’t have the words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuM4YN7ruC-88LJ4WJYVC0pp60jn4yYj4bkdT_mI_pZSaJWScLSq2b7BYmqB2DDZdh7YOutFqLJ-oWU3Qv4t16_4ghyphenhypheni-_3i3NKZF9bJ1PI8XNY7_qaMPU0oXFYsSWKxq7X4kDHqx5VCw/s1600/2129687003_2b96d97118_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, love, curiosity, kids, vocabulary building, compassion, virtues, values, Raising Parents, Linda Clement" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1342" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuM4YN7ruC-88LJ4WJYVC0pp60jn4yYj4bkdT_mI_pZSaJWScLSq2b7BYmqB2DDZdh7YOutFqLJ-oWU3Qv4t16_4ghyphenhypheni-_3i3NKZF9bJ1PI8XNY7_qaMPU0oXFYsSWKxq7X4kDHqx5VCw/s200/2129687003_2b96d97118_o.jpg" title="Curious by hapal https://www.flickr.com/photos/hapal/2129687003/in/photolist-4fccKr-SrxbEE-bk98aq-k8MYT8-2AGjBa-5jXXci-psMTw3-S7NEYz-6pXQ5w-nuVfwe-bGFZbr-nEJBTr-VAzGAu-e9CS8i-UtAbDo-7cW6Dp-ahZRdG-9her9c-79Xgdc-d1TE27-4m3K5n-iyN7iY-m2GGEf-k2dciz-q8X7rq-74skcQ-ahZDsD-dJeFgQ-8vHeWe-bjXuiA-kc5vYX-7a244Y-d3k3Uh-bmQjjA-bf37QV-aKHAPz-dmFUo-WFyyfy-Epyjnm-7a244S-pcfpTg-ayczmB-HjsUG4-agQEsU-qszfb9-8vLfVN-6ryQsW-5p59fH-9sCH9W-37ASje" width="167" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The words are made from the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The world is here to explore, and human brains are
instinctively attuned to explore, to understand the world around us, from
before we are born as we become familiar with the voices closest to us, and the
sounds they use to make meaning. From there, we race to understand the music,
the words, the sensations, the sights and flavours, as quickly as we can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What can go wrong if
curiosity isn’t present<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When we are with people, in the early stages, who are ‘busy’
doing ‘important’ things –on their phones, with the tv or computer, or silently
in the house or facility—or we spend our days surrounded by people mostly our
own age who are physically watched over by too few adults to interact with
about most of what we’re experiencing, or in environments that are unsafe to
explore (or banned from exploring) we learn what little we can divine mostly by
ourselves, particularly what is happening within us. This desert of curiosity
leaves us without the natural support we need to feel normal in wondering and
asking, and without the vocabulary we need to even form the questions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWabRgFIAODXBFpneuBUBMMTAW2zoxQQreMYt542ggrJWuxMqNCznyi5PBGugpvs96v2LOacWqr4QAQVre402n1ktDYOn5aXswyPqMdT84bgAdE-hl2EocJ88vwKYPrtQyakBkR_8qe0o/s1600/IMG_20140526_153029208.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, compassion, responsiveness, curiosity, love, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="899" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWabRgFIAODXBFpneuBUBMMTAW2zoxQQreMYt542ggrJWuxMqNCznyi5PBGugpvs96v2LOacWqr4QAQVre402n1ktDYOn5aXswyPqMdT84bgAdE-hl2EocJ88vwKYPrtQyakBkR_8qe0o/s320/IMG_20140526_153029208.jpg" title="The Big Clock by Linda Clement" width="179" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When we are with carers who ‘already know’ what’s going on
for us, who we are and what we’re worth –who tell us we’re not hungry when our
stomachs are churning because the clock doesn’t say ‘hungry time’ on it yet, or
that we’re not sad or scared or lonely or hurt when we are, or who tell us
we’re bad people for being alive, making noise, making messes, making poop, or
needing more than they expect us to need, our learning is impaired because our
experience is not what we are told it is. The words we learn don’t mean what
we’re told they mean. This is confusing, alienating and leads to dissociation
from our bodies, and self-loathing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In each of these scenarios, children grow up without
understanding themselves or their world accurately (or at all), always only
coping and struggling and compensating for what they never got that they
needed. They learn to judge, blame, evade blame, self-medicate, distract and
ignore… themselves and others. This impairs their ability to feel curious about
the world, themselves or others. It is that lack of curiosity that ultimately
impedes compassion, for themselves and others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Now that we can see clearly why compassion matters so much,
and how curiosity is linked to it, so now we can help our children:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">10 Ways to be Curious
and Build Compassion</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
</div>
<ol>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Answer</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
questions to the best of your ability, and, when you don’t know the answer
demonstrate how to look answers up, how to wonder about their accuracy, and
what else might be connected to the subject</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Look up</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
answers you are certain of, because information changes over time and what you
learned 15 years ago may not have been true at the time</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Share</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
discoveries you make in your world, whether it’s a way of making your work run
more smoothly, a new play strategy in your favourite game, or an ingredient you
didn’t know how to use, or a way of driving that makes it safer, or an
investment strategy that you’re investigating … curiosity breeds curiosity</span></span></li>
<li style="text-indent: 0px;"><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Wonder</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
why others feel or act as they do, and talk about possibilities: what they
might be feeling or thinking that leads them to feel that choice is sensible or
effective to them</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Notice</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
body posture, gestures, facial expressions and vocal tones around you –on the
radio or in movies, or live as you watch the passing parade on the streets,
watching from your window or what you see from the car, and describe them:
shoulders slumped, big smile, crushed eyes, swagger stride, shaky voice,
clipped speech, snappy replies, placid face, touching hair, leaning in, leaning
away, et cetera</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Talk</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
about the words for those postures, gestures, facial expressions and vocal
tones: dejected, excited, nervous, distracted, depressed, timid, confident, et
cetera</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Ask</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;"> yourself
out loud why you acted as you did: what was I thinking? What was I hoping would
happen? How was I feeling? What could I have done differently that would have
ended up with a different result?</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Observe</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
out loud, in neutral terms (like a camera would record the details, without
judgement or evaluation, and without attributing intent or character flaws)
what the child was thinking, trying to accomplish, or feeling before they acted
the way they did</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Speculate</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
about how you would feel if, or how you did feel when, something happened to
you –good or bad: how you would react if you won a lottery, got invited to a
special event, lost something valuable, damaged the car, et cetera</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Lead</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
kids to consider how they think they might feel if something amazing happened,
or something tragic happened, or if they were where the news report is, or what
it might be like to visit astonishing sights like the pyramids in Mexico, or
the glaciers in Norway, or Easter Island</span></span></li>
</ol>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Imagination, curiosity and
compassion are all tangled up together, so developing one will help the other
to develop in parallel… and all of it works better with a nuanced vocabulary to
accurately describe the difference subtleties between this shade of blue and
that one… this kind of anger and that feeling of rage… this way of steering
different from that…</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfsRg5qvMe8QsIFhWMyVr_gYX10_cuQfdL5mdqqYD6AbM-xUnoujQ2m2mVjw9WSS_VzitQ3AaK7HCQWkcgdrZUh4bnCgLMymaibq86wW8WSQj7hPnYOC2KeI4HotAQXpNpZt-TJg5kc-Y/s1600/7178173507_559cb5d594_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="compassion, curiosity, kids, attachment-style parenting, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, virtues, values, love, children, kids" border="0" data-original-height="311" data-original-width="500" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfsRg5qvMe8QsIFhWMyVr_gYX10_cuQfdL5mdqqYD6AbM-xUnoujQ2m2mVjw9WSS_VzitQ3AaK7HCQWkcgdrZUh4bnCgLMymaibq86wW8WSQj7hPnYOC2KeI4HotAQXpNpZt-TJg5kc-Y/s320/7178173507_559cb5d594_o.jpg" title="rain feet grounding by Beth Scupham https://www.flickr.com/photos/bethscupham/7178173507/in/photolist-bWj1Uc-jCjEzp-8w6BS5-hEPgMX-8E715f-73vAmP-eksui6-gCraui-aCLGkd-eEnnd5-RvvYSA-ejRFFk-6xnKAf-eEg1NM-9JZcQf-8CWnt1-pippAx-e4KyGb-9gdnkL-fsM9tN-eqg8jq-eEfHNr-8AHMn6-CArRbf-6DWcCg-bmZxDD-dGYenA-xntUr-4ZZZdg-6Un1H6-9XQPok-CL9kyM-9sa2Yg-bvz78T-9PVyi9-9ojY5g-aC98M5-aixzsp-6ZeA3B-4LnECB-xTUcn-9qAoPq-8M8eQW-eEnM9y-ffAfQ8-rAVELE-hrKmXU-5rW57Y-9sd1GY-dcqoZg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">All that will help raise a child
who can understand themselves in their bodies and in their world, so they can
feel others, and help others feel </span><i style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">felt</i><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">.</span><br />
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Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-52926601838099233582018-02-13T19:10:00.001-08:002018-02-13T19:10:10.266-08:003 Top Reasons to Forgive Kids Quickly<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaf92l9USk7AEkijC27D0pa3lVd9a0dRliI0pCt70MFirnh74OBgVqFH-kjfVnQf6I_jcmFCCHP8nC9v1cAIHAn5r8O9eKSBBPWF6OE9uzVQeIHX6jyvZryNX8luuW-SiOnkK2zwqVAYQ/s1600/10773508456_44651564de_o.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="forgiving, love, February, attachment-style parenting, kids, love, forgiving, Fundamental Attribution Error, Raising Parents Inc., Linda Clement, virtues, The Book of Virtues" border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaf92l9USk7AEkijC27D0pa3lVd9a0dRliI0pCt70MFirnh74OBgVqFH-kjfVnQf6I_jcmFCCHP8nC9v1cAIHAn5r8O9eKSBBPWF6OE9uzVQeIHX6jyvZryNX8luuW-SiOnkK2zwqVAYQ/s320/10773508456_44651564de_o.png" title="Mothers Love by Vinoth Chandler https://www.flickr.com/photos/vinothchandar/10773508456/in/photolist-hq23HN-dPedUs-iJHgWf-8RK4gm-8TZg4D-vgzTV-Jg3XVP-HWFJdG-pfnnBC-b2s9V4-71enAx-64Eppt-3DkN26-qBv43H-oL72mp-xEUK7-4mK99m-gsKHYc-7sEXDy-94cVxC-8XL5cw-jPPSJZ-qfWXsL-Dh7oGK-Dbbcjb-nwcRL1-mMpLCe-pp8uW2-kGMrbT-9NkrcS-iY9Cog-2ynRmL-r3NifJ-cFZHtL-afyuN8-DZHfdW-i8xKL-kUFHAC-5NVGRf-dXj82r-nRe8eN-9hSaAd-dPCF9D-eE67fo-9tRBqK-fp3tYB-5W7N9s-k3BLdi-jSQe1H-9hBMmo" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Because February is the month of love, I decided to write
all the posts this month about virtues. Entirely randomly, I decided to start
with forgiveness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Years ago, I took a lovely parenting course using <i>The Family Virtues Guide</i> as a guideline for
the discussions, and apart from shaping my parenting overall, it altered how I
think about children and people in general. One specific way it changed my
thinking was through understanding the Fundamental Attribution Error. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This error
is so common in thinking and that understanding made it impossible for me, from
then on, to ever see anyone’s actions as <i>only</i>
related to my reaction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0kragI8I5OTSYfFHCNAIxfyRl-LyggIeAeDSFE86RjpA3oQB44ZDeKSLV170aXdvbUGYVUGvv31tj1YhVD_zqfveUPUdO-F6DHcmbozQUmvbkWGgj4L1hhfXowK_57oRDE7JDZhe902M/s1600/6811733751_3e84410177_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="virtues, kids, forgiveness, Raising Parents, attachment-style parenting, virtues, The Family Virtues Guide, forgiving, love, children, parenting" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0kragI8I5OTSYfFHCNAIxfyRl-LyggIeAeDSFE86RjpA3oQB44ZDeKSLV170aXdvbUGYVUGvv31tj1YhVD_zqfveUPUdO-F6DHcmbozQUmvbkWGgj4L1hhfXowK_57oRDE7JDZhe902M/s320/6811733751_3e84410177_o.jpg" title="Children surprise by Michael Riallant https://www.flickr.com/photos/mriallant/6811733751/in/photolist-bnVV8n-HKbHws-pHCkNs-PQ2f9F-om8Dbo-65dcS3-ftZc3u-dZdx4a-4cfktU-bDAfw-h252w-aUms8D-cqAVo3-RSatQv-7n7aKe-wMebJ-859ay2-7eyErp-etqmWM-7zVUiC-8WaLUr-bAnD7e-bkZ2Yc-dS5DhE-bsArx8-a3cWpS-5abhfw-68X99d-fooon-4wxjEi-9MKNJx-8GXMuK-2msDvx-6fhqK1-a2n6by-7pfXMh-46V9sY-bYjn1d-p7G2Vc-VMmTeu-MZkKJ-WytBYB-n1c1bL-9MKN2g-9MKNzc-9MNyXW-CyA9B-4HtDhG-9MNzu9-5kZ3d" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">That is: when someone does something and I get angry,
annoyed, startled or even elated, the intent I attribute to their action is in
my head, not theirs. There are certainly people who are angry enough at the
world to get up in the morning wondering how they can piss off other people
today, but in my view that’s extremely rare. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mostly, people are doing what they
do, attempting to succeed in their own life, with other people as background
characters or afterthoughts entirely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">That is: people act out of a desire to meet their own needs,
not to interfere with mine. Or yours… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjqldRj48j37MZbPNJw_M0qFJHvqTWDMHcHoZ0afctq-Brejn27I0XgYKOCIPqC_09YIC1NI8WrWn1XoKXyKyJh8gMhDySZ2P2st82qQiTRHHz6Jg0bOIqiK4-LsoP-TBBYSEMEDZ_wVU/s1600/27567535290_16901f49aa_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="parenting, forgiving, Fundamental Attribution Error, virtues, values, The Family Virtues Project, Linda Clement, attachment-style parenting, kids, love, forgiving, Raising Parents" border="0" data-original-height="1069" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjqldRj48j37MZbPNJw_M0qFJHvqTWDMHcHoZ0afctq-Brejn27I0XgYKOCIPqC_09YIC1NI8WrWn1XoKXyKyJh8gMhDySZ2P2st82qQiTRHHz6Jg0bOIqiK4-LsoP-TBBYSEMEDZ_wVU/s320/27567535290_16901f49aa_o.jpg" title="toilet by francois karm https://www.flickr.com/photos/francoiskarm/27567535290/in/photolist-J13PNA-hq7DM4-6tXbYx-6Un1H6-dC7kQa-hYr7wD-FME2T5-4MmsNb-6dQag8-7uaQao-cscJ4W-68Mufu-7XcT63-qFJrWj-asj1V4-87dyos-BZMgY-b7T4pv-93yeDY-8Nhxm3-6dQaAt-b7T4Rv-uWcKV-3qUQZD-4HTra9-3d4KfP-7JYPE6-nqQsEz-4Mc4pM-8sV9KK-6dQavv-585Fhr-waks3m-b7T4JM-b7T4fM-bCrMKv-gmzo6y-b7T4yt-pPJ9RE-pU36z2-dH1wVc-htjYtu-9fVDSv-8S6gao-b7T4DX-2jJn6R-8tFer7-b7T4LK-b7T4UH-b7T4Sr" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Byron Katie tells the story of how wrong people often are
when attributing malice to others’ motives. In an ordinary day of minor joys
and minor annoyances, she used a public toilet just as another woman was
leaving it. As she got into the stall she saw that the seat was wet all over. Grumbling
about the lack of care and concern for others, and what kinds of slob the other
woman clearly is, she wiped the seat before using it… then flushed the toilet
and watched it spray all over the seat. She laughed as she realized that the
seat wasn’t wet because the woman had stood over it spraying everywhere like a
kid with a hose, and she was probably not even aware that the toilet was
getting the seat wet as she left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">That is the Fundamental Attribution Error in action: Byron
Katie initially thinking of the character flaws in the person ahead of her, and
attributing malice to her actions … while in exactly the same situation
herself, she laughed and understood there was no malice at all and no
indication of anyone’s character involved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When we look at the actions our children take and think “if
she doesn’t stop that by the time she’s 31, she’ll be a criminal with a long
history of convictions” we are using the Fundamental Attribution Error: reading
character flaws (and a negative future narrative) where there really is no
basis for worry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">3yos are narcissistic by nature: they lack the brain parts
necessary to be able to comprehend other people even <i>have</i> their own perspective, much less that their experience of
something could be any different from their own. So, when they bite someone,
all they feel is the satisfaction of that resistance against their jaw muscles,
and they have no idea at all that it feels different to the owner of the arm
being bit. They really are the centre of the entire universe they can perceive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">4yos have no idea at all how to predict the future, with
most of them still completely embedded in the Magical Thinking phase where
unicorns and Santa are real and it might be possible to levitate if they could
just get the right muscle combination sorted out. So, when they throw the Tonka
truck at their baby brother’s head, they actually do not know already that the
truck will not fly on its own and swoop around the room like a bird. They
really don’t have enough experience to know that gravity will work as
predicted, every single time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now, when the bite marks on her sister’s arm are visible in
the portraits being sent to the extended family this year, or the baby gets a
rushed trip to the urgent care unit for stitches or an x-ray, it is <i>really</i> difficult to remember that what
we know is very different from how children understand the world, and it is <i>really</i> easy to attribute malice and
intent those children remain incapable of experiencing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Our adult understanding is not their childhood understanding.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What we know, especially what we know from experience (like
that being bitten hurts every time, and that Tonka trucks can’t actually fly
under their own power), they do not know. They lack experience. They lack the
brain components necessary to do risk assessment or understand that others’
experience of the world is not their experience of the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, the <b>3 reasons to forgive kids quickly</b> are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b>1.</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;"><b> </b>
</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Malice and intent to harm are outside their
capabilities, and will be for a long time to come, so it makes no sense to hold
them responsible for the results of their actions when they turn out to be
hurtful or annoying –-it is simply never their goal to harm anyone or anything,
and their results often shock and surprise them, too;</span></span></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b>2.</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;"><b> </b>
</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">How they think, and act, at this age is a
product of their immature brain development and when they are more developed,
they will think (and act) differently –-it really is not ‘so the twig is bent,
so grows the tree’ –-because humans, unlike trees, develop new and different brain
systems that function differently as they grow, what they can’t do when they’re
young they become able to do when they’re older, and;</span></span><br />
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</div>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><b>3.</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;"><b> </b>
</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">Holding a negative view of our children’s
current and future character lowers our expectations of them and increases our
fear for them –-neither of which help them become more secure, confident, calm
and curious people.</span></span><br />
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</div>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I will be writing more about the virtues of hope, optimism
and future-mindedness soon, which will elaborate on why our expectations have
so much power in our children’s lives, but for now I will just add:</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAoCCgmqsiYUW07jVoB1HFGIr4G3JoKlgn92eTV4kmAYoLU9R6pvUUJivr8oAI8fzciVdDolg5Cl4Y-EUz9-cZ7QfZ7cBuFdnPo-fNl_INYiqBVKQsGJdVPV7Oi5j3d6PJ_1EFdEspcUg/s1600/3528396961_d7f0c087d8_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, expectations, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, forgiving, children, love, The Family Virtues Project, values, fundamental attribution error" border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAoCCgmqsiYUW07jVoB1HFGIr4G3JoKlgn92eTV4kmAYoLU9R6pvUUJivr8oAI8fzciVdDolg5Cl4Y-EUz9-cZ7QfZ7cBuFdnPo-fNl_INYiqBVKQsGJdVPV7Oi5j3d6PJ_1EFdEspcUg/s320/3528396961_d7f0c087d8_o.jpg" title="When I Grow Up, I wanna be... by Mahmoud Eghtedari https://www.flickr.com/photos/ampletouch/3528396961/in/photolist-6nMXun-hG2nFu-T2wjH-cVUc4A-2brNcU-6PxGnk-7Mjror-bmnvHF-nuJMy8-bXgmzg-buuUtu-9ioQTi-6m9p8b-eQwfQu-fFLi23-6Tzj2N-qk3zy6-e3rfdn-bkYhg1-xntUr-8uYXBh-CL9kyM-8Xns7H-qrihNe-8p9mo3-Kc7hc-cXi2a7-br4cwF-f3XZJX-9xK1wP-fftZTk-9TNjzG-974qyo-bxMaCK-5XajPd-fH9iiu-8AHMn6-gfNhvx-cnktE1-fVvkDz-cPEWsA-bmZxDD-pBqB4P-8LXqR2-bVpjeZ-aJjQtg-f3dsbx-bVSEod-ctxVQ9-dpQs9e" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Our children live up (or down) to whatever expectations we
genuinely have for them, and when we always think of their future in terms of
what immature, naïve and inexperienced actions they have taken in the past, we
unwittingly hold them down to the expectations we fear, adding unneeded anxiety
and dread to our lives and theirs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For this reason, the sooner we can spot our Fundamental
Attribution Errors when they behave in ways that shock or dismay us, the sooner
we can forgive them for the results of their completely innocent actions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUL_7CIqcXA5TDopiTeyabRkI7WNJmcWtrclwxP58N9gS7LeESNGTo4rAWCNDnUZgA-uWn6PJpZzL78nvBBguy872eNB6P89uSe62PPwzGbG0dXGRRtWBgoxvFiMWolAaz2DYmWSK8imo/s1600/3662996928_8692ea16b1_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, forgiving, blame, kids, love, The Family Virtues Project, virtues, values, love, children" border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="1051" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUL_7CIqcXA5TDopiTeyabRkI7WNJmcWtrclwxP58N9gS7LeESNGTo4rAWCNDnUZgA-uWn6PJpZzL78nvBBguy872eNB6P89uSe62PPwzGbG0dXGRRtWBgoxvFiMWolAaz2DYmWSK8imo/s320/3662996928_8692ea16b1_o.jpg" title="Exile... by Kashif Mardani, https://www.flickr.com/photos/kash_if/3662996928/in/photolist-6zFPns-asgdeu-rZyX-asg9Yb-nWxY2f-A8zQK-7GgKjK-8b82ds-asgdxf-5jx5Uu-dCTGDF-fwJWW8-CLDYxA-3d6GhU-i3VsPJ-asgahd-Y5yohJ-21BtSTN-XK8Q2H-asdw44-pBkfa4-asdyh4-8z4sxZ-YVV78a-4tJ9Cb-8s8VRG-61w5WN-jWMiw-DhEbcx-d1Gsmf-6Yy7sM-8G9AAE-XFy3RD-b1dXZ-asdvdk-21BtR33-asde3B-hZ9zDG-asdBJR-XKowD7-XK8NCv-Ge5tUa-9sQ2sZ-23cvCpw-YtzmVb-p1XW9k-XC1zi9-22TFoaN-HZsc5n-DhMhzt" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Forgiving our children quickly is sometimes difficult, when
we’ve learned all our lives about the importance of laying blame (and the vital
importance of evading blame) … but blaming a child for the unfortunate (and to
them, completely unforeseen) results of their completely innocent actions makes
no sense and does no good. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Forgiving our children quickly is sometimes difficult, when
we are being Momma Bear over the younger ones who are hurt… but young children
who don’t know better (say, than to throw a heavy metal toy at another person)
genuinely <i>don’t know better</i>, so
holding them accountable for what they had no idea would happen is simply
unreasonable. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It is particularly unreasonable to label the child as a bully, a
problem, violent, vicious or, as a woman wrote earlier this week on a parent’s
list, Satan’s child … because small children <i>cannot</i> control themselves, predict what will happen, or understand
how others will experience anything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIjmBmTGKlmPOAMKRTYtkEUB2Pn31J7IfAmt3E7ptfTM6RoX3igYNbYnqC2WkVJSnuzs-_w2AZ8TcLlsqiS4MAiF3b_7w8NCLDcZdgfzr3ngZAVwaoP8KRcGUarHwn_2UGESxVRKo60PQ/s1600/4561391307_37ae743fd3_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, forgiving, love, children, The Family Virtues Project, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, forgiving, virtues, values" border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="640" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIjmBmTGKlmPOAMKRTYtkEUB2Pn31J7IfAmt3E7ptfTM6RoX3igYNbYnqC2WkVJSnuzs-_w2AZ8TcLlsqiS4MAiF3b_7w8NCLDcZdgfzr3ngZAVwaoP8KRcGUarHwn_2UGESxVRKo60PQ/s320/4561391307_37ae743fd3_o.jpg" title="wild eyes, by manalahmadkhan https://www.flickr.com/photos/manalkhan/4561391307/in/photolist-7X5jHH-7NT48v-nByNAX-96AsWw-6S1aZd-8rT5TZ-5ie2E9-pZZf3D-6kAdNB-bqs1nw-54uP6j-6tVyZt-eJCrhA-dE7rEC-7VyXak-eieSQX-agQANy-pz5Qs2-98X5uu-qLSSfT-55ucCP-8S6EhR-55ucNa-7KmHWD-r1oK6C-8UyERo-q4t7af-ekwLX8-SG32xE-6qww5D-dJMmwq-8T9JS-UVf8Zk-ut5Buz-7PzYFL-eQJHKw-b48HX4-54rsBR-aEf6Jn-7QE6mn-aBkQcs-92tWxH-Ts5LAK-SJMHUx-54rABe-agQEsU-6kEdMs-8gdnxC-22MmbQv-GcuDW" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Whenever I write or speak about this truth, that children
cannot until they can, people nod in intellectual agreement, and then (because
it is the nature of humans) remember all the ‘yes, but, when my 5yo…’ stories
that they think prove kids really are capable of risk assessment, abstract
reasoning and self-control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Those stories truly are stories: narratives that match the
narratives of the stories the adults told <i>them</i>
when they were young, all fitting neatly together in that ‘if they were right
(and they had to be right so they would be on my side and not neglect or kill
me, so they can’t have been wrong) then I am also right that my child is wrong,
not me and it is certainly not them wrong way back then…’ story. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">That story was fiction then, it’s fiction now, and <i>now</i> the parents of today are no longer
at risk of the dreadful terror from when they had to agree as young children that
adults are right, kids are wrong, and it doesn’t matter what the truth was, it
matters what the adults believe or demand the truth to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So here is another free piece about forgiveness:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Those adults were wrong. They won’t die if they find out and
neither will we. We can even forgive them, because they also didn’t know any
better, so they couldn’t do any better, and they were as afraid because those
narratives are not ‘last generation’ new, they’re many generations old…</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1mG-Ox5Dh7IZtMbgeHMjIUigTGy0_BSg9nh56sO4-tTTOwBXHMm92fnekk3-kjJR4X1L8vgXN4UHW-fcapph-xynI9UmMjUAqyUWuTDgmZel76JBEg8t6E51WphBxTFXh_tkeFqrnuoo/s1600/16096768763_590955083a_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, generations, virtues, values, forgiving, kids, love, children, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project, fundamental attribution error, forgiving" border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="760" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1mG-Ox5Dh7IZtMbgeHMjIUigTGy0_BSg9nh56sO4-tTTOwBXHMm92fnekk3-kjJR4X1L8vgXN4UHW-fcapph-xynI9UmMjUAqyUWuTDgmZel76JBEg8t6E51WphBxTFXh_tkeFqrnuoo/s320/16096768763_590955083a_o.jpg" title="Three generations of Croation settlers, Kenaston, SK c.1910, Library & Archives of Canada https://www.flickr.com/photos/lac-bac/16096768763/in/photolist-qwq9xV-DtoxA-nHRACA-8xaoNK-gWLgak-5u2gki-bK6nxP-6ni9YF-5ynEVK-B2WkZ-fmWtj4-ifz9b6-RaqGFB-4ueyDo-a3QuK6-5PGnuq-2EJBa-jiPyL-fnbEjq-b5fWFk-7gF2oe-7a89P-dV8swh-2Wnqwf-49xt1g-6Hgdc1-rF8hug-57CYFw-oGQDQK-5JMLP5-6Hcb7F-ot1SAh-8AcPhZ-6P7jac-rZcCC-ov3M8M-aBJNVS-qmZEx7-2ydEQ4-4U9qaj-GoknvX-oWziB1-j8Sdd-bPdqt-r3wUaZ-7a6Vp-diJUFD-7a6WL-5u6F5h-ojudq" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today’s parents aren’t being loyal to their own parents or
even their grandparents, they’re being loyal to oral histories re-told (and
perhaps mis-heard and mis-spoken) over dozens or maybe hundreds of generations,
all the way back to when life was nasty, brutish and short, and the chances of
your child living past 5 was about 1 in 5… so how any one under-5 felt or
thought was probably not all that critical to the shaping of society over the
30 or 40 years before they’d die of old age, starvation or infection anyhow… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTG3A6ateBjqBIO8bxr2e1ieUQLJLuuYafaUjfQQBXKTG4SJ2EfT17daLdIFtZvQnAcabOcfTsHfi8MUbZL44w3DqE4ocWUURk24ZnTdF-tITWAfGX-qRTf1rn8IIFY8qYQ8PXqoBUpGs/s1600/9214057163_b559b253a4_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="attachment-style parenting, forgiving, innocence, kids, love, virtues, values, Linda Clement, Raising Parents, The Family Virtues Project, fundamental attribution error, kindness" border="0" data-original-height="1079" data-original-width="1600" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTG3A6ateBjqBIO8bxr2e1ieUQLJLuuYafaUjfQQBXKTG4SJ2EfT17daLdIFtZvQnAcabOcfTsHfi8MUbZL44w3DqE4ocWUURk24ZnTdF-tITWAfGX-qRTf1rn8IIFY8qYQ8PXqoBUpGs/s320/9214057163_b559b253a4_o.jpg" title="Cute Baby by Dora Hon https://www.flickr.com/photos/dorahon/9214057163/in/photolist-6JMMkb-axCp9X-fZgFX4-f3dsbx-f8PvJm-foQYsk-regq9Y-eogV7C-C4qRWk-5CN3Wt-nw3Jh1-gZW499-wy7uu-gYj6ou-achx7i-62bfJk-6vZSuG-ovqyDB-ovpsCT-7YtWQD-ovpPFo-7YxbK9-7jQLtG-oMS1Nu-7YtWK6-bEeUaT-ETpA4A-v4vsc-8ze69y-wy7u5-oMTV7Z-ovpUx7-wy7tZ-oMRX4L-oKS8zm-6wfqCo-CAxQT1-6M8eLi-FMBNHd-zSRfj8-se66Xs-D6CBsa-8WcYu5-ovqGdV-ovpSkS-8WcYry" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Perhaps it would help to remember that those ‘wise’ parents
we are protecting and following from many generations ago were almost certainly
illiterate and probably under 17 when they repeated what they’d heard all
around them as they were growing up…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, let’s also forgive them for not knowing better, and move
on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We have better information now, and however uncomfortable it
is to use initially, it is better than that. We are better than that. Forgive
your children their mis-steps, because they are children trying to learn to be
adults just as fast as they can.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-14870074129502044052018-01-17T15:37:00.000-08:002018-01-17T15:37:03.352-08:00Are You Failing Your Insatiable Child? Look at Security and Safety<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0lnCRb6llzCgZHHasfNqnQyIbONZnAywCD1KJgDs0sxWVcBaTPcida5v1GN94SOE0xOSVxY6bDZtXbxlL3cH3_aNQAKCSMu6g_Wa20xWZKuDnYaHgXqCQ6ep-34j-TA_N8JKW6W5vaAE/s1600/2801158109_09dcebfa30_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="tantrums, unmet needs, insecure attachment, attachment parenting" border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="501" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0lnCRb6llzCgZHHasfNqnQyIbONZnAywCD1KJgDs0sxWVcBaTPcida5v1GN94SOE0xOSVxY6bDZtXbxlL3cH3_aNQAKCSMu6g_Wa20xWZKuDnYaHgXqCQ6ep-34j-TA_N8JKW6W5vaAE/s200/2801158109_09dcebfa30_o.jpg" title="Cry Baby by tacit requiem (joanne QEs... https://www.flickr.com/photos/tacitrequiem/2801158109/in/photolist-6JMMkb-8Y2hrt-5gwEHt-7NAasi-7NAayn-bhFEHi-7qk7Hk-NrQ5Q-88BdGo-7q3cTA-zVpgR" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span></blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“My daughter has an insatiable need for attention, I
literally cannot look away for 2 minutes without her freaking out…”</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEJfIqbePyTCbyJIkCBIwRvi50XYtmit7FSCjE341EC1vkTIqZ4m6XgrIhaNbEH6e2KVBkgr8O3AM1vvQifMm0LIn64tihLgL3k0attfEUUCOSCxChZtBtOgkzHpKeplMeGN7G-7PtkZ8/s1600/5795930424_3374b86f3d_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="tantrums, controlling, security, attachment-style parenting, changing demands, insatiable need for attention" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEJfIqbePyTCbyJIkCBIwRvi50XYtmit7FSCjE341EC1vkTIqZ4m6XgrIhaNbEH6e2KVBkgr8O3AM1vvQifMm0LIn64tihLgL3k0attfEUUCOSCxChZtBtOgkzHpKeplMeGN7G-7PtkZ8/s200/5795930424_3374b86f3d_o.jpg" title="toddler lunch by Br3nda https://www.flickr.com/photos/taniwha/5795930424/in/photolist-dRwfyd-dRwh5W-dRwgpQ-dRqHzX-dRqGii-6NhjWn-5QDteh-dRwfqE-77Nra5-dRqGAF-dRwghW-5EArMa-dRqF34-dRqFg2-dRweC3-dRweGN-dRqFNp-6RXJZ1-6oiMK8-4tczAo-4ss4ET-dRwetS-dRwepw-6RTGLM-7ySgnP-8tKHfN-7SvYbz-fBydS3-dRwgHN-6uAFo6-7RzUKS-6uACuK-6DVTEP-7RKPee-7RP429-6zY34L-6zTUq2-6zLCcs-7RwJnZ-5MGTUR-7RwJYH-7xETZo-zbTLPw-dRqFWn-bYHY4S-9QaEbU-7Szfzd-7RwEQV-7RzVej-7xfNGA" width="150" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span></blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“My youngest is SO controlling. Demanding siblings sit in
specific places, insisting on turning on or off lights, having to go down or up
stairs first or completely melting down if the sandwich is cut the wrong way…”</span></blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOPjGJzYLNYPJI9CkCza3wGbwM_dOct_nf0_hbk7p8FHm7V4NCa_qIK4qOmHFSJpj6k3xMLoyz90PLnxBxFCKbINJfK4lHipm6gEYP7fpUpI-nlX_YQZ784fBROtD-6s4RUlOSMGoFejA/s1600/295527155_d0e66204ea_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="terror child, toddler tantrum, unmet needs, insecure, danger to pets, frightened of your own child" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOPjGJzYLNYPJI9CkCza3wGbwM_dOct_nf0_hbk7p8FHm7V4NCa_qIK4qOmHFSJpj6k3xMLoyz90PLnxBxFCKbINJfK4lHipm6gEYP7fpUpI-nlX_YQZ784fBROtD-6s4RUlOSMGoFejA/s200/295527155_d0e66204ea_o.jpg" title="Xtreme cute by Brian Fitzgerald https://www.flickr.com/photos/brian-fitzgerald/295527155/in/photolist-s7DVM-s7DWo-nkyk3R-oBpoU-oBpoT-nenv2C-7xR44-55b6F-dEjo8c-bQ2nUg-bQ2nNg-5TGfvZ-6c4Sda-6Un1H6-hAgnD-f2Mint-i4Leaj-oCfxLz-oCfyg2-EqC7n3-oDHuwZ-4gaZ9j-64JPcX-bB7JvU-6rDaA1-suyexw-7rYR9R-jUU2hx-hAfGc-5E9x23-KHfY-djY5LE-eKnifu-6c4Ser-eQ1ugH-Ez4HVj-4zFCoQ-7zYS55-4YhwAX-a8dHx2-oSHPRE-7zYR23-5JMbfT-7ye4iV-8h9127-F5QQB-zfmoC-3deAUL-BAGMHm-FoaYnZ" width="150" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“My son’s behaviour is starting to scare me. I found him in
his closet playing with a lighter the other day, and he’s picked up the kitten
and thrown it more than once…”</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Years ago, I was leading a discussion group about high-needs
children, and how for them quite often ‘winning’ the argument isn’t a matter of
being on top or besting others, but of quite literally being themselves. For
them, they aren’t arguing to win, but to be allowed to be who they are, to feel
as they feel. This is why the intensity is so high, and they will go to the mat
for what seems like the tiniest of things.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">During the session, we started talking about William
Glasser’s Five Basic Needs, which I think are very similar to Maslow’s
Hierarchy of Needs, but more useable in parenting. Maslow thinks everything is
foundation for everything above, starting with basic physical needs and ending
up on top with the need to be oneself, using gifts and knowledge and talent
toward personal goals (even if those personal goals are ’save the world.’) I
think he’s right about that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Glasser’s I find more useful, when talking about handling
kids and understanding their sometimes terrifyingly weird behaviour. His go
like this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ol>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">Physical needs (food, sleep, water, sunlight,
for older people: sex, physical safety and a sense of security</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">Love and a sense of belonging (this is where
attention fits)</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">Power</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">Freedom and</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">Fun</span></li>
</ol>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">During that session, several parents identified the
‘insatiable’ piece for their high-needs kids, whether it was attention, power
or fun. I agreed that those were certainly what appeared to be their kids’ needs,
based on the surface view of the behaviours… but even when the kids got what
they seemed to need, unlike hunger or thirst slaked with food or water, the
‘win’ didn’t seem to have any traction.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuNMste-tBiF066IcEJN-U40pb4PtKJtnyZLeEPNelCll-LJDAndkIgOWK5Z0UhPsmg4rHOu4S_KDxNp6RUGfDBM5NAwgafcrBjCudJT6DsUUyGsbJBcsKqAH1hcrtif-oOiBSIA5bCqU/s1600/LazyCoverEbook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="parenting a simpler way, lazy parenting, Linda Clement, do nothing, caring for kids with respect, respectful parenting" border="0" data-original-height="1215" data-original-width="765" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuNMste-tBiF066IcEJN-U40pb4PtKJtnyZLeEPNelCll-LJDAndkIgOWK5Z0UhPsmg4rHOu4S_KDxNp6RUGfDBM5NAwgafcrBjCudJT6DsUUyGsbJBcsKqAH1hcrtif-oOiBSIA5bCqU/s200/LazyCoverEbook.jpg" title="Lazy Parenting ebook cover, https://www.amazon.com/Lazy-Parenting-parenting-simpler-way/dp/0978391659/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1516230882&sr=8-2&keywords=lazy+parenting" width="125" /></a><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This is when I had a surprising insight: when someone is eating
relentlessly regardless of hunger, they are not meeting their needs for hunger
… nor whatever else it is they need that they are trying to ‘feed’ in substitution.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Lazy-Parenting-parenting-simpler-way/dp/0978391659/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1516230882&sr=8-2&keywords=lazy+parenting" target="_blank">Lazy Parenting</a></i>,
I refer to compensation as this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #d9d2e9; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Getting
what you <i>don’t</i> need, to make up for
not getting what you <i>do </i>need.</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The higher up the list the insatiable need seems to be, the
lower down the list it needs to be addressed. That is: it is insatiable because
it isn’t the real need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The real need is a lower number.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I suggest that the number that is probably correct is 1.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif4DYR0JjsoKw-Ovb8CueG_Cg4xWQtC-rLQMVNfkq376WqumaLa15IKXrXeGfwgFi6iPrAqHL4hnzUb7pR58DQK7uTkpSKRwt05y5wECae311fNsnOON2yNGvOmmXcNKijrNNWSXnIy5Q/s1600/3182181634_e6b8a24c60_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="first needs, security and safety, attachment parenting, helping kids feel safe, number one concern" border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="900" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif4DYR0JjsoKw-Ovb8CueG_Cg4xWQtC-rLQMVNfkq376WqumaLa15IKXrXeGfwgFi6iPrAqHL4hnzUb7pR58DQK7uTkpSKRwt05y5wECae311fNsnOON2yNGvOmmXcNKijrNNWSXnIy5Q/s320/3182181634_e6b8a24c60_o.jpg" title="[Becoming.Number.One♥] by A♥ https://www.flickr.com/photos/zenat_el3ain/3182181634/in/photolist-5RcvJA-4sGR5-9aXY3a-6BzSc1-74p3sr-bJowaB-4WyZhn-wzehf-nbt8Sz-6qTsQD-dYoHf5-F7njUp-mnjaKd-bSSZAz-qjdcA5-kUYPsH-cJhJdE-brt87D-eSmRdt-zU3Jg-a7wBxT-kFkb48-5pQH1B-6jVU7o-q7xHC2-7qXVGD-9sXH4h-sqcQh3-5DSn2j-aDVYNK-dRc7Lz-w8Qmnk-4dhB6M-YhkVFr-9uJ91i-5jCYsS-4mgLwZ-LFKPG-suekp-npoUWi-7JTLC-aL66UP-qYDg43-dfoqz3-ec5r74-Curwec-T7KoQW-74dhyN-48x8sq-koUyur" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When people give up feeling secure or safe enough, they
essentially say to the universe,</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #ead1dc; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">“<i>Fine!</i>
I will concede that I will <i>never</i> get
that thing I need, so instead I will take <i>all</i>
of the attention / power / freedom / fun there is…” </span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">usually working up the list
from one to the other, as they discover that attention doesn’t fix it, then
power doesn’t fix it, then freedom doesn’t fix it, so they’ll just have fun.
Cue lighting the car on fire, to see the pretty colours as it burns.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh81bZT5dUG_J0SvzesWfsQc78FoSWdb5xh7T58YgkvzqfqW4gV5gi5Cb8Q0KdrB8pcDgC9-Yng8ODt8ompVjq3uy4CQGgxOCvFMHaCWzhs9qqjXol49VtFYJDZmC72rjDcocaH_a2zIIM/s1600/15703094023_0bd885bb82_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="car fire, kids and matches, terrifying child having fun, creepy smile, insecure attachment, safety and security, frightened child, attachment parenting, unmet needs" border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="1600" height="105" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh81bZT5dUG_J0SvzesWfsQc78FoSWdb5xh7T58YgkvzqfqW4gV5gi5Cb8Q0KdrB8pcDgC9-Yng8ODt8ompVjq3uy4CQGgxOCvFMHaCWzhs9qqjXol49VtFYJDZmC72rjDcocaH_a2zIIM/s400/15703094023_0bd885bb82_o.jpg" title="Crash by Travis Wise https://www.flickr.com/photos/photographingtravis/15703094023/in/photolist-pVCsLp-dKRoNZ-6rpDgL-5wJ18c-ik8Ak4-89QKrS-cMt3Kj-Lo297E-kSqAMZ-22rBiJ6-GYUsqD-Vfzq7J-kS5ikq-kS4Qvc-pcovST-cJKjcs-eaMybG-e1peSd-nC5mqo-deo3s-nBWZAv-nDUYFd-5c7mUh-m6wXVT-nj9Hzk-4DuHgU-rnxiXb-3zVRai-nMJy35-m4Tj74-q5vufD-kEKcua-nBPSAk-kCBTXU-aoKCnC-7ZV3WR-kEGyJF-o5gZb8-E977T3-jKJo7T-nEjkuc-o5eo1c-nirp5C-p8CoLr-jXpgXz-jXohcB-r7fYCm-kCKD7K-abyy7T-8paVCC" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is <i>extremely</i>
common for people in our society to have unmet needs for security. Even adults
struggle for a sense of inner balance and security, considering the delivery of
24/7 bad news to every form of media and technology there is, from tv to your
smartwatch, and very real dangers of being savaged by an online riot, attacked in
the street without warning, or even just witnessing a distressingly close car
accident.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Imagine what it’s like for little kids… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">For me, the solution is simple –basic, really—but that is
not to say it is easy to accomplish</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Help the child feel safe.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">…which is in some ways about what helps humans feel secure,
instinctively … and in other ways about individual preferences and ‘love
languages.’ Some kids will feel secure with the most physical assistance: a
nightlight, a cozy nest with a low ceiling and a view of anything approaching. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisMgev_zZRbywLYQyAhs2Ii1fNxAVJA1lyYJOp3YHtgCHz_43MSDcbMHt78yhkGTRkQI04TI_7JE0caoQLBUZF1oLvPKPXXjxawO7J9Vke-A8cgl-lXLakOafJs69jaEfnKrWM4S6VjGI/s1600/32653788472_524569a6a7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="hugs, safety, security, love, attachment parenting, respect a child's needs" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisMgev_zZRbywLYQyAhs2Ii1fNxAVJA1lyYJOp3YHtgCHz_43MSDcbMHt78yhkGTRkQI04TI_7JE0caoQLBUZF1oLvPKPXXjxawO7J9Vke-A8cgl-lXLakOafJs69jaEfnKrWM4S6VjGI/s200/32653788472_524569a6a7_o.jpg" title="Church (Portfolio) by Jake Guild https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/32653788472/in/photolist-7sZRqK-RKvcEY-8EVRmL-nw1Jhd-amMvEN-7XyDQD-7XBTQw-mxko-ebPyre-ebPyz2-k4vJoT-ebVdXJ-MFrRn-eT1Jzv-9nuZix-hB1Pk-7XBTRf" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Some kids feel safe being close to their people, those they
really trust, whether that is the au pair they grew up with, their parents,
grandparents or even familiar neighbours they’ve known for years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Some kids feel safe in wide open spaces, without walls for
the noises to bounce of and free of ‘the maddening crowd.’ Some feel safer in
forests that potentially have more instinctive dangers than any playground holds,
but their experience is otherwise. Some feel safe floating in water and others
panic in anything deeper than their ankles or bigger than a small stream.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFb3azkJlpKl_kgs9oQgrc9VtK22I78xkhEqQuXoU1g9J32vWgdv1LPsdiHh7cicoVXy2_D81cD7Ywbt7GKUcSGTRfdvn8EkVPFFeTpqhdqCwDnNX_M_3yrP_bG2s6zi1xdbtP24jHeBw/s1600/10850408426_4921d060dc_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="nature lover, security, safety, calming forest, attachment parenting, meet the needs, back to nature" border="0" data-original-height="867" data-original-width="1300" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFb3azkJlpKl_kgs9oQgrc9VtK22I78xkhEqQuXoU1g9J32vWgdv1LPsdiHh7cicoVXy2_D81cD7Ywbt7GKUcSGTRfdvn8EkVPFFeTpqhdqCwDnNX_M_3yrP_bG2s6zi1xdbtP24jHeBw/s200/10850408426_4921d060dc_o.jpg" title="DSC_2036 RES walk in the forest by Phillipe Put https://www.flickr.com/photos/34547181@N00/10850408426/in/photolist-hwPbpm-pNqxmj-5x6G9T-g1EDcJ-SbSQDZ-516Pax-EnsUvh-pFQWg8-doGoFJ-8XSuvF-6hbDQe-SbSS6B-76SRDv-8VFkGr-BZDiAg-iFiov3-eahYci-b345ki-bv7BaR-duD9gK-e8toC7-pCYRsM-PhC3k-cQay4s-hwPDXL-pgXYuN-pyqJWE-8wA6JC-cU5YTf-8UoyzK-jTKn88-7XyDNv-bp3Eoe-6M8kHm-7yvG4G-mUDK6Y-6tm6jG-7yrSRV-4ugMhH-ee47us-e8toxs-C6cde9-d22WBW-oaF5Es-hDuD6w-7yrSW6-dBrQgR-8mJ9U-e6GDtT-8UyERo" width="200" /></a></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Knowing the child, and what their own fears are can help in
avoiding accidentally making them feel even more frightened and unsure –pushing
a child afraid of heights onto a bunk bed made like a lookout / nest is likely
to make things worse, whereas making a nest in the bottom of a closet with a
low shelf just above head-level when the child is seated won’t bother a child
with no issues with claustrophobia… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>What tends to help people feel safe includes:<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">something solid
at their back, so tigers can’t sneak up behind them (remember, this is primal,
not sensible and modern –our fears don’t know anything at all about locks or
about living in cities free of roaming tigers),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">a long view that can see anything
coming (tigers, again, I’m afraid…),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">a lighted path toward a lighted
space (not bright, necessarily, just not moving from a bright space into a dark
one –another primal fear, that may explain some of kids not wanting to go to
their dark rooms up the dark stairs to get ready for bed alone…),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">soft, flickering lights (fire in
that cave overlooking the valley…),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">soft surfaces and cozy rugs or
throws or pillows (furs in those caves …),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">soft music, especially that with a
relaxed heartbeat-rate cadence –about 65 beats per minute (reminds us of being
in our moms, the last time many people felt really safe and whole, sadly),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">the company of big eyed, softly
smiling creatures that are (or seem) warm to touch and snuggly (stuffed
animals, Muppets, baby animals in photos or real live puppies), </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">an absence of clutter or pressure
to do work or many different types of tasks, particularly the kind of static
visual clutter that seems to be required for every flat surface in classrooms
these days (just because teachers are bored by bare walls, I think),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">natural views –water,
particularly, but also forests, fields and streams, big skies, distant
mountains, and also soft, cool colours: greens, blues, lavendar,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">and, if it’s ever been an issue
of lack or want, food in a variety of colours and shapes and sizes and aromas,
even just in photos…</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763; font-size: large;"><b>Some ideas I have known parents to provide for their kids:</b></span><span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A blanket fort under the dining
room table, pushed into the corner so the walls are behind, with pillows and
stuffies and a soft, battery powered led lights, fairy light strings, or
battery-powered ‘candles’.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Spending time in a lower grade,
or program for younger kids –kindergarten kids helping out in the preschool
room, 9yos helping kinders read, 12yos helping at the dance studio with the
young kids. There is a lot to be said for being among those who have lower
expectations, low pressure to conform, and who think you’re cool simply because
you’re 3 years older.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As mentioned, a ‘nest’ on the top
bunk, using that low-ceiling feel, especially in a room where the bed can be
positioned to look down a long hallway, or across the yard through a window.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The also-mentioned nest set up in
the linen closet at the end of the hall, under a low shelf.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The Frank Lloyd Wright- style cozy
(some call it a snug), with the low ceiling, a fireplace, bookshelves and soft
sofas lining the ‘conversation’ area, with a table large enough for food to be
laid on by the platter, with cushions and throws to snuggle into.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The kitchen-as-heart-of-home,
arranged with the idea that most activities will take place there where the
food is: a big table for meal prep, homework, reading or crafts and places to
store whatever’s not being used out of sight (behind doors, inside baskets,
around the corner in the hallway or whatever), particularly if that kitchen has
a heat source, like an old range, wood stove or fireplace. Even a bank of
candles can help with the settled, cozy, safe feeling. The aroma of foods
(soups, baking, stew, breads) being made, and help-yourself platters for
grazing can add to the feeling of warmth and comfort.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A lighted pathway from one area
of the house to another, which can be helpful for that ‘shutting down the
house’ when kids are little and are afraid of missing out on all the fun adult
stuff parents may be planning for after bedtime (the kids think, they never
imagine it’s laundry and paying bills) –turn the lights on brightly in the
bedrooms, dimly in the hallways to get there and dim the lights and then turn
them out in the main spaces of the house, so they are naturally drawn to where
there is light, and don’t feel they’re going from daylight into gloom and
shadows. This, alone, can be amazingly settling, when followed by turning off
the hallway lights, and dimming the room lights in increments as the bedtime
stuff gets done.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763; font-size: large;"><b>Not </b></span><span style="color: #073763;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">mentioned previously are a few psychological and
physiological things that can also help people feel safe:</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</div>
<ul><div>
<br />
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Hugs, particularly those that
feel really enveloping –the whole arm around over the shoulder and the other
from under the arm, really embracing a human to feel firmly but gently cradled
in arms,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Caresses on cheeks, and holding
the cheek and jaw or the back of the head gently but firmly, particularly for people
who have never had their heads moved to control where they are looking or to
demand they make unwanted eye contact,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Stroking the upper arms, up and
down slowly,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One hand on the chest at heart
level and one on the back at the same level, can be very settling,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Deep breathing, particularly
breathing out slowly and evenly through the nose,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Cooing, low voices, and an
absence of intensity and shouting,</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Taking in the 5, in no specific
order: finding 5 things to see, 4 things to hear, 3 things to touch, 2 things
to taste and 1 thing to smell… to really connect with the immediate experience
of the body (particularly helpful for fears of things that are not actually
happening, worry and anxiety),</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Gratitude is incompatible with
fear, so directing attention toward things one loves, people who love them, and
specific blessings in life (of any kind, from being glad there is air to being
happy the stars are there to look at…)</span></li>
</div>
</ul>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>What kinds of situations or settings help you feel safer and more secure? What do you think will help your kids feel safer and more secure? What have you found that works? Join in the discussion in the comment section below, or join the facebook group <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/ThriveParentingAP/">ThriveParenting AP</a> ...</i></span><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-38431875053942817552017-09-05T10:36:00.001-07:002017-09-05T10:38:40.156-07:00Why it is not 'Kids These Days', a millennium of child hate<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6-AOVTJPAa3rZKCpPkgCqEy58A4tWdY1AdS8rwj3uWnEbKgn_uQo5-fWICXngXWdYK3kPQOLZvRihB4YmmexZeTYywcKzyid7qEXBOWI9B9E2Mc9LLEuEZMGrxGKimYizm6D7TREFJ8/s1600/8530944828_ef59c66b79_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/vinothchandar/8530944828/in/photolist-dZRjFE-riWRst-pDCGUW-2vVkpu-Curwec-nvp6uv-7bWjuW-riZtid-8vBVVr-8vEXcj-nJXFx8-SPhwaZ-SthJiZ-mSkYCV-ctCM79-pW1Y6z-oAMPPm-oPz1aV-riWQGR-RX46xh-fdCAav-gwmAC2-nxsLKt-gwmN7H-bEBEhc-4HfejV-ntCBay-nvHJJs-6Gb2Z5-F8uHQ-hfyLZB-nvGccn-qn4NS7-ozToQw-g1EDcJ-nvoTXT-hktADh-RTuk8L-VzUhTe-4JTxqe-5BPYRZ-dFRoRT-hiCM52-62taoH-dJu49c-hWX3qc-nPaBLg-aAE6v8-a7BA1a-8qJ6ZM" border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6-AOVTJPAa3rZKCpPkgCqEy58A4tWdY1AdS8rwj3uWnEbKgn_uQo5-fWICXngXWdYK3kPQOLZvRihB4YmmexZeTYywcKzyid7qEXBOWI9B9E2Mc9LLEuEZMGrxGKimYizm6D7TREFJ8/s320/8530944828_ef59c66b79_o.jpg" title="The Beauty of Old Age by Vinoth Chandar" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I rue for the days when adults were capable of creating a coherent argument about society today that took into account the reality of society yesterday and predicted something accurate for society of tomorrow. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I should live so long...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Today, in the facebook parenting group, this piece of tripe</span><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<h1 class="entry-title" itemprop="headline" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: "pt serif", "helvetica neue", sans-serif; font-size: 28px; font-weight: 300; line-height: 1.2; margin: 10px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; text-transform: uppercase;">
<a href="http://deeprootsathome.com/kids-bored-entitled/" style="background-color: #cfe2f3;" target="_blank">REASONS TODAY’S KIDS ARE BORED AT SCHOOL, FEEL ENTITLED, HAVE LITTLE PATIENCE & FEW REAL FRIENDS</a></h1>
<div class="entry-meta" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #999999; font-family: "pt serif", "helvetica neue", sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px;">
<a href="http://deeprootsathome.com/kids-bored-entitled/" style="background-color: #cfe2f3;" target="_blank"><time class="entry-time" datetime="2017-08-18T08:36:16+00:00" itemprop="datePublished" style="box-sizing: border-box;">August 18, 2017</time> </a></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">was served up, raw and slimy. I mean, why...?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Go ahead and read it. Take your time.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">See?</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I completely agree with </span><a href="http://en.newsner.com/his-message-to-parents-spoiling-their-kids-is-going-viral-and-its-not-hard-to-understand-why/about/family" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #010101; font-family: "source sans pro", "helvetica neue", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; transition: all 0.1s ease-in-out;">this teacher’s message</a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> that our children are getting worse and worse in many aspects. I hear the same consistent message from every teacher I meet.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Does it look and smell remarkably like any of these gems?</span><br />
<br />
<h1 style="color: #26323e; font-family: soleil, sans-serif; font-size: 48px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 56px; margin-top: 8px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://mentalfloss.com/article/52209/15-historical-complaints-about-young-people-ruining-everything" style="background-color: #fff2cc;" target="_blank">15 Historical Complaints About Young People Ruining Everything</a></h1>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I <b><i>love</i></b> this quote:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #26323e; font-family: , serif; font-size: 21px; letter-spacing: 0.5px;">A pernicious excitement to learn and play chess has spread all over the country, and numerous clubs for practicing this game have been formed in cities and villages...chess is a mere amusement of a very inferior character, which robs the mind of valuable time that might be devoted to nobler acquirements, while it affords no benefit whatever to the body.</span></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><i>Scientific American, </i>July 1859 </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxu6sAG_XGaOy7lMU-cvW-nem3ljW-owV8W3fnbYMdcb7RJ0IgfHFCxjPR6yPF1n79dJm37Yws2lNZvDL8WcfvV5S66L_gQIwAfPD4Mg4GrtJ0aWGXLHF_tEcHmkUsL9j63KkxePuO964/s1600/11123538363_1565252b96_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/92334668@N07/11123538363/in/photolist-hWX3qc-dJu49c-8vwHnS-8vtyRx-8vvYZS-Tomecs-ScXxWn-V3n7vn-TrZbtD-TrVFXg-Sd3s38-jAaURw-8UuhtA-Top2UG-SSKYzn-Td8Dmb-SasSyJ-TcZn9h-Sd9hh4-Td5ngG-SRQwkQ-TdbpRu-SRWse1-Sd8STk-SarWs7-TrSGF6-Td5pMU-SapQsf-SRSX5L-eiwkS6-Sd73np-TrSfi6-TfvMJB-SNZUSj-Tom7md-SRZchm-TfusGR-SCSnzQ-RCH6Tr-TfpG6z-TokvDC-Sd4V2g-TfvPyi-SRNKRb-8vsBLr-Sd1HQV-TrWQAX-SRZkUw-TftC1c-TrUpST" border="0" data-original-height="933" data-original-width="1400" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxu6sAG_XGaOy7lMU-cvW-nem3ljW-owV8W3fnbYMdcb7RJ0IgfHFCxjPR6yPF1n79dJm37Yws2lNZvDL8WcfvV5S66L_gQIwAfPD4Mg4GrtJ0aWGXLHF_tEcHmkUsL9j63KkxePuO964/s320/11123538363_1565252b96_o.jpg" title="Group of happy business people by tec_estromberg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Which of course, mirrors this claim:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Kids </span><span style="color: #010101; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; transition: all 0.1s ease-in-out;">used to play outside, where, in unstructured natural environments, they learned and practiced their social skills.</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> Unfortunately, technology replaced the outdoor time. </span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You can almost hear them all nodding sagely, in unison ...</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">... meanwhile, back in reality ...</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/12/health/homework-elementary-school-study/index.html" style="background-color: #f4cccc;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "cnn" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "utkal" , sans-serif; font-size: 18px;">The study, published Wednesday in </span><span style="color: #006598; font-family: "cnn" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "utkal" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 18px; transition: 0.2s;">The American Journal of Family Therapy</span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "cnn" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "utkal" , sans-serif; font-size: 18px;">, found students in the early elementary school years are getting significantly more homework than is recommended by education leaders, in some cases nearly three times as much homework as is recommended.</span></a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">and</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<h1 class="content__headline" itemprop="headline" style="color: #333333; font-family: "guardian egyptian web", "guardian text egyptian web", georgia, serif; font-size: 2.25rem; font-weight: normal; line-height: 2.5rem; margin: 0px; padding-bottom: 2.25rem; padding-top: 0.375rem;">
<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/sep/03/children-more-time-driven-school-parents" style="background-color: #d9ead3;" target="_blank">Children spend 50% more time on school drive than in their parents' day</a></h1>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yeah... that's all about the evils of video games interfering with all that free time outside...</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn75H8lIl0mdc4IJjvzxtro95WNJdw-9Dl0kWqVDgGiH9D1DmJ4lmvmidV-YAnkdtUFyQk7HGVL3rDLIpEcn-J4oHjGtIH-SvO1tG017xqzsG9J-YEGCaX4ckvl7lV_YNt4Ds4QkNplOw/s1600/10722106274_79f7f00e3e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/dfataustralianaid/10722106274/in/photolist-hktADh-RTuk8L-VzUhTe-4JTxqe-5BPYRZ-dFRoRT-hiCM52-62taoH-dJu49c-hWX3qc-nPaBLg-aAE6v8-a7BA1a-8qJ6ZM-h6R8go-nPaC3P-iFiov3-7LDV7G-QWDxje-bpTPaw-amZAug-oqfS67-Jc4mkf-bZN1o5-p1fUtB-aB8MNy-RTukDL-8vEXjo-pTVpeL-9dmrST-8vBWaH-aAuBi7-516Pax-cqxSKW-e9qNDS-9moxrU-RTxdUu-dAi7pp-aAGD9b-nvJdd5-bHRogi-8uVpXv-a4RSLH-nebTTd-3E47nj-7XtHHL-cfLSYC-7QfEkk-ei4E1H-7U1LA1" border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn75H8lIl0mdc4IJjvzxtro95WNJdw-9Dl0kWqVDgGiH9D1DmJ4lmvmidV-YAnkdtUFyQk7HGVL3rDLIpEcn-J4oHjGtIH-SvO1tG017xqzsG9J-YEGCaX4ckvl7lV_YNt4Ds4QkNplOw/s320/10722106274_79f7f00e3e_o.jpg" title="Sompong 5 Years Old" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">... and then, about being free:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Since when do children dictate to us how to parent them? ... </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">What good are we doing them by giving them what they WANT when we know that it is not GOOD for them? Without proper nutrition and a good night’s sleep, our kids come to school irritable, anxious, and inattentive. In addition, we send them the wrong message. They learn they can do what they want and not do what they don’t want.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yes, dear. The problem is children these days are doing what they want, instead of playing ... outside ... doing ... what ... they ... ... ... um ... ?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What is 'wrong with kids these days' is that the adults watching them can't think properly. Back in my day, we learned to think before we put our names on mindless twaddle and claimed it was original thought and intelligent discourse ...</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here's what is really happening:</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Children today, the kids of digital natives (those horrific Millennials who are about to destroy civilization with all their inclusion policies and international communications and staying-in-touch with virtually every person they've ever met, who never learned to socialize properly, according to <i>their </i>teachers and parents) have in their hands extremely powerful tools, often for most of the day. This enables them to:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">socialize when they are not supposed to, without passing notes in class (Hi, Gen-X and Boomers!), and, incidentally, voluntarily honing their written communication skills</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">to look up current, accurate information (remember the card catalogue, that dusty, dated collection of books printed back when all truth was simple and never changed?)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">to both record and report crimes as they are happening, holding criminals accountable and making it clear that even police won't be excluded from this era of constant, private surveillance</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">to create their own industries and earn while they learn by sharing what they know and monetizing it through their social networks across the globe (lazy beasts, going around earning money while they're studying, playing, sleeping...)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">criticizing static knowledge, abuse of authority, sexist and senseless policies, arbitrary restrictions and even the place and practices of 'school' as we know it --just as if it weren't some sacred cow developed over a hundred thousand years by Master Thinkers trained for decades in How To Analyze Quality Education Methods... because it isn't.</span></li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLNWRudVvv12zojRTVzfcmlC8E6Tb4K-2Pe_vpMJrCiwvTT03R1PQ0zpnog4EiTGj5lxviO5zXDx7dmAQOAhO7bfNP1QdNAyEEmVBcsVPv4W8YVaepWat5VK7ZTB4jJomAZmtAuBQTUKE/s1600/16323523108_fae47fce74_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/hackleypubliclibrary/16323523108/in/photolist-qSsjHA-r7KeyC-fBiUg9-dNF62s-7aRWY7-qd2E9d-aC5mn6-RnipBj-Qn44hD-RpYPeP-cVWDVb-pNRsVx-RpY4P2-R2iKPw-ke3rVX-8pxG3R-TeB69K-5ZrohQ-3k51kN-oXXHBR-8CgRcJ-a851yo-dpMa6R-cF7MwC-daDAtC-jgdrdm-7ggjCR-8hQyfV-8tU1a1-o5tTHn-nbrFLy-qZacsY-dLZA9U-kD5gZX-avc8xu-5ZnaBx-91cvGN-d2CeRq-6iHyEC-5cw4B4-cjkGCf-5fGwTc-4Crvdp-4zJ5HK-6jEJFb-4CYRoc-5fLWL1-kHYzdY-Rdcndf-4bD7SF" border="0" data-original-height="901" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLNWRudVvv12zojRTVzfcmlC8E6Tb4K-2Pe_vpMJrCiwvTT03R1PQ0zpnog4EiTGj5lxviO5zXDx7dmAQOAhO7bfNP1QdNAyEEmVBcsVPv4W8YVaepWat5VK7ZTB4jJomAZmtAuBQTUKE/s320/16323523108_fae47fce74_o.jpg" title="Old Books 1 by Charles Hackley" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">While these all-seeing and all-knowing teachers (and even the author herself, with her grand centuries-of-personal-experience: </span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Clearly, throughout my time as an Occupational Therapist, I have seen and continue to see a decline in kids’ social, emotional, and academic functioning...</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">... ahem.) are amazingly good at repeating what they heard last and believing whatever they think, they are clearly not good at critical thinking, understanding history, or observing their own world. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The education world: a mish-mash of cobbled together ideas to free all adults to contribute to the GDP, control the population and stop them thinking they have any right to a voice in public decision-making, to create 'well-rounded' adults (that, at least, is working with their demands for sitting still and drug them if they don't) and copy this iota of that country's system that produces 'better' results (while ignoring the suicide rates, a completely unrelated result no matter how many young adults write 'pressure to get perfect scores' on their notes) ... while ignoring the research that indicates clearly what helps kids thrive (like getting to sleep when their bodies need to, not taking 7am extra-curricular classes so their portfolios will have enough 'roundedness' for Harvard to let them in...) because it's inconvenient to the system that is, really, what our fine lady Victoria calls the first problem:</span><br />
<blockquote style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: "source sans pro", "helvetica neue", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 30px; margin-top: 5px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">1. TECHNOLOGY</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">Using technology as a “Free babysitting service” </span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixpru92WuIWB-VNBzXqA0bEyw1HC1cophC0fCnWKxOQBKG25JSJ-yVhxGxuey7ZoG_iIUz7ZcVm8amImvR7oTpU6HbzO356NTRxudXZrc7-r4nr0Y8h-4i0fhYYqaSGjQmNbkNCX8Jn0k/s1600/5125072378_32fb113615_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/kahwaisin/5125072378/in/photolist-8NTksS-StnAiF-8tU1a1-6nCXM-oQPTCC-hX7jzE-7LDUhf-9Xvp4a-8pM3GC-7smnJq-8YKXju-bpdiFC-kB4nDg-7vWBES-kFZezu-aA57FQ-dQyjym-kB3zrr-jQ6DCY-85Ldwh-7ijpo-87CqFU-a8aPj1-7U1LxW-2fqC2-4yjw6K-Rr6Qe6-pvxGwd-8uYX59-4XGTxf-4XJ7N5-72b66a-ntCCPq-harYJy-8HyRT4-6cFqBu-nebA4V-nvGbbz-4XDVXF-8uVTqx-8RxUj5-7ZgvRv-8G2zcr-Hp82w-RTxdnY-opqS3C-RGM7dc-6ytwgA-q78yb-5ni5Eq" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixpru92WuIWB-VNBzXqA0bEyw1HC1cophC0fCnWKxOQBKG25JSJ-yVhxGxuey7ZoG_iIUz7ZcVm8amImvR7oTpU6HbzO356NTRxudXZrc7-r4nr0Y8h-4i0fhYYqaSGjQmNbkNCX8Jn0k/s320/5125072378_32fb113615_o.jpg" title="The Children Together by Kah Wai Sin" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent;">We can't change the hours of school </span><i style="background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold;">because</i><span style="background-color: transparent;"> school is for free babysitting for the normal (like that's real now or ever was) work week. If teens started at 1pm, who would babysit them for the mornings while they sleep according to their circadian needs ... and who would do the 'afterschool' work in their places, if they are in school until 7pm? How can they be taking their younger siblings to school so parents don't have to, if they're sleeping later than the kids' start? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That can't work... we can't be <i style="font-weight: bold;">adaptive</i><i><b> to reality</b></i>, because The School System is ideal ... well, made already ... employs too many people comfortable in their places ... too big to fail...<span style="font-size: 16px;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 16px;">Clearly, the problem is parents today being all terrible at parenting ... like always... </span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #26323e; font-family: , serif; font-size: 21px; letter-spacing: 0.5px;">Parents take care to feed their children with wholesome diet; and yet how unconcerned about the provision for the mind, whether they are furnished with salutary food, or with trash, chaff, or poison?</span></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span style="color: #26323e; font-family: , serif; letter-spacing: 0.5px;">Reverend Enos Hitchcock, 1790</span> </span></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-82599779471187896302017-06-12T13:22:00.000-07:002017-06-12T14:07:49.623-07:005 Ways to Mislead Exhausted Parents: Baby Sleep Research<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc9HffWHL8iYfyJxuEn6f4rlXXSrcyRxT4SmFzkv7VqTHQo3JgGRl6aL5fEK8BYst6HsvS2CZ98dW9vPDkl0u9f4yHoziAajeGycWZ_ghvoWEptKgH-ODoIL7b8ak6ei-V8ClmmpkB14A/s1600/170096756_24cec135ba_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/rocketjim54/170096756/in/photolist-g2MQG-4GBwTq-9qP5Ra-dvD2CZ-28Bcf-b5wN6R-7iTeDF-8ygy8y-askAzY-giwVD-8okk4m-5J7ncY-6w5LCm-2aKS7-byxYUP-zqQMh-42Tdws-SWG7H-aJZ5v4-8tXXkm-7KxKak-6LH4Le-8tXXjq-5rsgjX-8tXXjL-dWgG1s-5Gdt8L-9Z2MAd-CnbgSQ-FXvEe-5wRo8-ujjwS-5dqwBu-8bZMcW-bNhyg-TuRWF-8g6Tnb-dgwmHr-bVxsM6-9jfMdj-3QRz3s-yuuTx-5WySJy-7pY8ri-bsK7rc-bmxWg9-9iLWwQ-5ca1AS-bnn5vh-8zsrHJ" border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc9HffWHL8iYfyJxuEn6f4rlXXSrcyRxT4SmFzkv7VqTHQo3JgGRl6aL5fEK8BYst6HsvS2CZ98dW9vPDkl0u9f4yHoziAajeGycWZ_ghvoWEptKgH-ODoIL7b8ak6ei-V8ClmmpkB14A/s320/170096756_24cec135ba_o.jpg" title="tired dad and son by Jim Simonson" width="240" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is a bit like hunting rabbits in a hutch ... guaranteed clicks on headlines that read like this:</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/06/170605102137.htm" target="_blank">Mom and baby sleeping in same room associated with less sleep, unsafe sleeping habits</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Oh, the allure of 'better' sleep! </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Tired parents all over the world are looking for exactly this, so they're hooked on every instance of this kind of bait.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What's wrong with getting parents to click on news reports of research that will get them more sleep?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It's unethical, for one thing, which annoys me. It's unethical because it uses the desperation and needs of a collection of people for private gain.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Parents aren't going to get any more sleep, and the research results bear no resemblance to the </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">headlines, but it looks good, so they click, share, and prove the cynics right: you can never go wrong by fudging the truth to match people's desires.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What is really going on, here, and how is this misleading to parents?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here are a few resources that explain what the study actually shows, and what is wrong with the methodology:</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://globalnews.ca/news/3503790/baby-sleep-alone-study/" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;" target="_blank">Reality Check: When Should Babies Be Allowed to Sleep In Their Own Room?</a> <span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In which the lovely Judy Arnall, a certified child development specialist and owner of <a href="http://www.professionalparenting.ca/" target="_blank">Professional Parenting Canada</a>, points out the conflicts between this 'research' and far higher quality research that the Canadian Pediatrics Society and the American Academy of Pediatrics use to make their recommendations.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj8gPyJ5XyGyOysSviWojlRD2Wy8nHzvzMC5_YVQbDNjyZ9RuKsVcqwYCu5z3Lx1baNeCycoeI7jSf3Y4EzYYd-vBdkY5JEm4pz_8mYZSLD3VFq8NX1lwdr4smgizuU8NX0YwyeCvjwxk/s1600/Evolutionary+Parenting.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="250" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj8gPyJ5XyGyOysSviWojlRD2Wy8nHzvzMC5_YVQbDNjyZ9RuKsVcqwYCu5z3Lx1baNeCycoeI7jSf3Y4EzYYd-vBdkY5JEm4pz_8mYZSLD3VFq8NX1lwdr4smgizuU8NX0YwyeCvjwxk/s200/Evolutionary+Parenting.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://evolutionaryparenting.com/should-babies-sleep-alone/" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;" target="_blank">Should Babies Sleep Alone? Analysis of the INSIGHT Study's Findings on Infant Sleep by Location</a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">, in which the conflicts of interest in the whole study (which, as noted within, is a long term project designed to evaluate interventions to prevent childhood obesity --uh... relevance?), by the lovely Evolutionary Parenting blog.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And here is the list...</span><br />
<h4>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">5 Ways to Mislead Exhausted Parents:</span></h4>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>1. Fail to Define Terms</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What, precisely, is 'better' sleep? It is presumed, because that's convenient for parents and an easy sell, that 'better' = longer, but is that actually true? Is longer sleep 'better' sleep for babies?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Piece of relevant information, somehow omitted from the discussion:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Babies grow while they sleep, burning calories as if they were up and doing things, so they need calories throughout the night to thrive.</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>2. Fail to Mention Bias</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When parents participating in this study believe that the 'right' way for infants to sleep is 'through the night' and 'on their own in a crib' --because the researchers have supplied them with exactly that information, and with encouragement to accomplish it... how will <i>most</i> parents respond to the face-to-face interviews with the people telling them The Right Way? </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And how will parents be entering the information in the reporting sheets, knowing they will be facing those people-with-strong-opinions? <span style="font-size: x-small;">(remember the conflict of interest up there? One of the researchers is a professional 'sleep trainer' who believes-without-proof that babies don't need to eat in the night and infants should sleep alone in a separate space, in the face of <a href="http://cosleeping.nd.edu/mckenna-biography/list-of-publications/" target="_blank">decades of sleep lab-based research</a> to the contrary)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>3. Promise to Solve Reality</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A dear friend points out that you can solve problems, but you can't solve reality. This kind of media coverage abuses parents' unmet need for more sleep by promising to solve reality: that small humans have needs in the night that are real and that they cannot meet alone.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How is that reality promised to be 'solved'? By helping parents feel validated in their desire to put the baby further away. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How does having a baby further away stop the baby from needing things in the night that s/he can't do anything about alone?</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It doesn't.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b> 4. Fail to Confront the Lies Because Profit</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Yes, dear, of course your baby can-and-should sleep through the night so you can 'get a break.' Here's a great method I just happen to be selling a book about. I can help you accomplish that because I sell my services as a sleep trainer. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is remarkable that so many people who are so convincing just <i>happen</i> to be selling the 'cure' ... how amazing.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The lie is 'babies can be put on a shelf when you need a break, because reality is hard.'</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Alfie Kohn says: if you wanted something convenient, why didn't you buy a poster instead of having a baby?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">5. Fail to Acknowledge the Importance</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span><i style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">to Parents</i><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> of the Infant-Parent Relationship</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">All this misleading 'information' for profit inevitably fails to address how important it feels <i>to parents</i> to bond well with their babies, and how these recommendations actively interfere with that bond <i>for profit</i>. Because the fact is</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">...there is no upper limit to how much people will buy when they're convinced they just don't have the right tool or technique or expert yet to solve reality...</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">... when the experts are <i>convincing</i> that reality can be solved. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is a never-ending parade of 'if that didn't work, try this' based on the lie that it is possible to <i>refuse to meet</i> a baby's needs to <i>stop the baby from having needs</i>. Here's a quote from one:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; color: #990000; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You don't want parents resenting their child because they don't get a break.</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Pardon? </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The issue, according to this '<a href="http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/06/05/531582634/babies-sleep-better-in-their-own-rooms-after-4-months-study-finds?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20170605" target="_blank">expert</a>', Jodi Mindell, Ph.D ...is that the relationship between baby and parents will be <b>damaged</b> by parents <b>meeting baby's needs</b>. The founder of the 'free resource' for "evidence-based sleep information on children's sleep..."</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And here's the money connection for you:</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">https://www.babysleep.com/tools/books/ </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHS0s9eLRq8N3aQi1FEY15YIz63p1Xcl9O8Ja_hy4Jl3r_4t7Ysr7YVaA-is-M7j42snRz6Bn3sPQ43yXoVAEkSQFfTWePmoKEz0Q7asBznGlUq-BimVDOKIDOMLCeFVcZNqFBHfsakzE/s1600/Mindell-take-charge-of-sleep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="334" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHS0s9eLRq8N3aQi1FEY15YIz63p1Xcl9O8Ja_hy4Jl3r_4t7Ysr7YVaA-is-M7j42snRz6Bn3sPQ43yXoVAEkSQFfTWePmoKEz0Q7asBznGlUq-BimVDOKIDOMLCeFVcZNqFBHfsakzE/s200/Mindell-take-charge-of-sleep.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="133" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwTk1p0idjW1aLUKccrKYUbPx1YZMktKG3wXf-ambCH8_QTtUmeqK-bWsYeJupr4GKe4YK-EiL2eo0qYzGVi71NuHXsb4U_t0e918Mhd8RlsFNoq_MQapVR_qunDHjpT1niHWn2XWhJnI/s1600/Jodi+Mindell-clinical-guide-to-sleep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="348" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwTk1p0idjW1aLUKccrKYUbPx1YZMktKG3wXf-ambCH8_QTtUmeqK-bWsYeJupr4GKe4YK-EiL2eo0qYzGVi71NuHXsb4U_t0e918Mhd8RlsFNoq_MQapVR_qunDHjpT1niHWn2XWhJnI/s200/Jodi+Mindell-clinical-guide-to-sleep.jpg" width="139" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5AHEMenOq4gu3eDN3qeDkFXCVbG-PI2mKghcCugQK2lrfqu1WTM-LrK9n9oB7HGcKhqmFhHOpCfFLZ6-VU1_jiRmntncqGMymL2Egv9rN6IaNBgLHizHhiIHGScprlIQcz4bBVwCvoF4/s1600/Mindell-sleep-through.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="332" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5AHEMenOq4gu3eDN3qeDkFXCVbG-PI2mKghcCugQK2lrfqu1WTM-LrK9n9oB7HGcKhqmFhHOpCfFLZ6-VU1_jiRmntncqGMymL2Egv9rN6IaNBgLHizHhiIHGScprlIQcz4bBVwCvoF4/s200/Mindell-sleep-through.jpg" width="132" /></a> <span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">wow. I am shocked. Look at that: not free books.</span>Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-5362119868226835892016-12-29T10:55:00.000-08:002017-01-19T15:01:22.913-08:0018 Ways to ... fiction in childrearing<div class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A blog has been shared around the past couple of days, from the Australian site Happy Families Family Education blog. The link is <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/blog/18-ways-to-a-more-resilient-child/" target="_blank">here</a>... The title is</span></div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">18 ways to a more resilient child</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is fiction.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There are not 'ways' to 'a more resilient child' ... because children are not resilient. See <a href="https://livingubuntu.wordpress.com/2013/06/13/bruce-perry-children-are-not-resilient-children-are-malleable/" target="_blank">Dr. Bruce Perry: Children are not resilient, children are malleable...</a> </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Seek not to make a resilient child, but a loved and cherished child.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There is some not-terrible general parenting advice in the piece... although I would re-write </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">every single point (in grey)</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">, thus (in blue):</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">1.
Stop saying “I’m busy</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">T</span></span></span><span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">here
is an old quote that “To a child, LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E.” If
that is the case, I can’t help but wonder what “Hurry up” might
mean to a child. Or “I’m too busy right now.”</span></span></span><span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">When
we are too busy for our children, or when we are rushing them, they
suffer. They withdraw. They miss out on opportunities to connect with
us. And when they are older, our relationship with them will suffer.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">1. Stop being 'too busy' doing what you don't think is important
and do what <i>you</i> think <b>is</b> important </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">What we do with our
time demonstrates our true priorities. Is it the newspaper, other people, the
computer game, the tv show -–or the people in your life? Prove it.</span></span><br />
<blockquote style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">2.
Turn off your smartphone</span></span><span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">There
may be no greater sign that you care, and that you will listen, than
to power down your phone – or at least go to flight mode – when
your children want your attention. Studies show, definitively, that
the mere presence of a phone detracts from the quality of our
conversations. Put the phone away when you are talking.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">2. Use the technology intentionally,
not incidentally</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Do what is
genuinely important to you: is it cruising through fb and instagram
80 times a day, or the people in your life? Prove it.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">3.
Turn off screens</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555; font-family: lato, sans-serif; font-size: 8pt;">Make
certain parts of the day screen-free. No TV. No tablets. No phones.
Just a focus on the people in front of you. That means no texting,
reading, swiping, or playing games. It means no beeps, pings,
whistles, or reminders. It’s just you and your kids, and
conversation. Perhaps it might be at meal time. Maybe it could be
while you travel. When you decide to do it is less important than
making the decision.</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">3. Use the technology intentionally,
not incidentally</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Do what is
genuinely important to you with your time and attention: is it the tv
show, news, sports or the people in your life? Prove it.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">4.
Make eye contact</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555; font-family: lato, sans-serif; font-size: 8pt;">When
your children want to connect and communicate with you, pause what
you are doing and look them in the eyes. Physically turn towards them
and pay attention to them in a way that makes it clear to them you
really are right there.</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">4. Sure. Also: watch their eyes as they are busy
doing their own thing</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When
they look up, they'll see you watching and feel connected without you
having to do children's activities to 'be together.'</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">5.
Listen</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">Sometimes
our children come to us with problems. When they do, put down your
tools and listen! When they tell you about a friendship drama, a
challenge on the netball team, a teacher making them feel rotten, or
another difficulty, ask them to tell you all about it. Listen
carefully. When they are finished, ask, “What do you think you
should do?” and listen again. Usually that’s enough. You don’t
have to solve their problems. The answers are inside them.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">5. Listen to them to understand them,
not to tell them things</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Don't
ask questions. Say 'tell me more about that...' until they have
finished talking. Rephrase what they've shared, with the emotions
they're experiencing, as 'you feel _____ because_____.' Don't add
interpretation, advice, information, your own reaction, how you felt
when stories or justification for others' behaviour.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">6.
Bed time is best</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">I
have written previously about how to make the last ten minutes of the
day a precious bonding time with your children. Try it. Our children
need to go to sleep feeling secure, loved, and hopeful about the day
to come.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">6. Be available as they need you
throughout the day (and night) –no time is 'best' except 'when they
need you'</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Children
need what they need when they need it. There is no reason to withhold
it (unless there isn't any of what they need available) ever, and certainly not to wait for any
specific time.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">7.
Give hugs, and touch them</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">In
our home, we have a habit of always touching one another as we move
past one another. It might be a squeeze on the arm, a stroke of the
hair, a caress on the cheek, or an arm across the shoulder. The touch
is an acknowledgement that you are passing a real person. It is a
recognition that you have seen and noticed your child (or spouse).
And it feels nice to be noticed. Plus, research shows it can boost
wellbeing.</span></span></span><span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">I
also find that if a child is struggling, one of the best things we
can do is hug them. In fact, the times our children deserve our hugs
the least are the times they need them most.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">7. Touch them if they are okay with it:
their body, their choice; be open to their physical affection</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "HP Simplified Light", sans-serif;">Get your own need
for physical touch met elsewhere. Your job with kids is to be
available to meet their needs, not yours.</span> </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">8.
Stay calm</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">I
once heard Steve Biddulph say that a parents’ main job is to stay
calmer than their child. When we stay calm, our children learn to
regulate their behaviour. They learn we are stable, secure,
predictable, and safe. They learn that they can come to us no matter
what, and we will respond calmly and kindly.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">8. Learn to calm yourself</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Panicking people
can't calm others. Be the stable person in the room. If you can't, they won't be able to, either.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">9.
One on one time is crucial</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">I
have six children (and one wife!) who all want time with me. Our
children feel important, heard, and worthy when they have our
undivided attention. Outings, walks, and other forms of one-on-one
time may be the most important way we can show our children we care
about them and want to listen to them. These ‘dates’ can be
crucial relationship builders, and we will see our relationships
strengthen as we make them a priority.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">9. One-on-one time is irrelevant and
may be deeply distressing to sensitive children (and adults)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Having
to set aside (or make invisible) other people to get one's needs met
is pathological, and it is often distressing to children to think
that someone else needs to cease to exist (or at least cease needing
anything from their parents) in order to have their needs met. It really is possible to pay full attention to one person with witnesses.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">10.
Smile</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">Let’s
face it: most parents are so busy and so stressed that we do not
smile as much as we might. But a smile says we can feel safe, and
welcome. Our children need to see us smiling, especially at them.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">10. Be genuine and own your emotions</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If
you think you can stop children from knowing and reacting to your
genuine emotions by smiling, you're high. Smile when you feel happy.
Grimace when you are in pain. Scowl when you are angry. Weep when you
are sad. Kids don't learn to handle their big emotions from Stepford
Wives.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">11.
Make time to do nothing</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">When
was the last time you simply sat in your lounge room with no agenda
except to be there? Our children are most likely to talk to us when
they feel conversation is welcome. If our schedule is packed so
tightly we cannot even find time for a conversation with our
children, we cannot make them feel cared for or listened to.
Sometimes simply sitting and being available can be enough to help
our children know we will listen.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">11.
Prioritize being with the people you claim to love</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Not to do planned
things, necessarily –but also not to avoid planned activities. Be
flexible and available as they need. Be unhurried and be willing to
drop activities if they're unwanted (this time, or forever)
regardless of the sunk cost or 'lessons in commitment' others might
think matter.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">12.
Respond to challenging behaviour with maturity</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">It
is common to respond to our children’s challenging behaviour with
anger. This will invariably leave a child feeling uncared for and
unheard. Sometimes we ignore our children. This has similar results.
When we remember that challenging behaviour comes from unmet needs,
and we see that challenging behaviour as a chance to get close to our
children and problem-solve with them, we build our relationships
rather than tear them down. Remember that discipline means teach or
instruct, not hurt or punish.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">12. Be the adult: demonstrate grace and
acceptance, listening and understanding</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Kids
often act out their big feelings, so responding to actions with anger or as if they
were driven by malice is inappropriate. When kids are struggling,
they don't need more trouble, and they don't need to learn that you
are the person who gets them into trouble, not out of it.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">13.
Leave love notes</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">You
might shoot your child a text or facebook message. Perhaps you could
drop a note into his or her lunchbox, or pop a quick letter under his
pillow. Children love getting notes from mum or dad. They feel
noticed, important, acknowledged, valued.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">13. Be affectionate in your own way,
with awareness of how your child experiences affection</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Whatever
your love language is, use it –but also use your kids' love
languages for them. Even if you think doing things for them is love,
they might feel gifts or time or words of affection or physical touch are the only way they
feel loved. Don't stop doing the things that make you feel loving,
just add the things that make them feel loved.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">14.
Offer autonomy</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">Our
children feel unloved when we control them. They chafe and resist our
stifling demands. While we do need to have rules and limits, our
children will thrive, feeling heard and cared for, when we give them
choices and allow them to decide for themselves wherever possible.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">14. Acknowledge their autonomy</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Their body, their
choice. Their possessions, their choice. Their preferences, their
choice. Recognize the separateness of this human. This is not 'your'
person, they all belong to themselves.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">15.
Get down on the floor with them and play</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">Children
love it when a parent lets the agenda go and flops down on the floor
for some playtime. They flourish downtime with their parents where
they can play, laugh and be together. Older children love wrestling
too! But they respond just as well to those old-school games like
Uno, Phase 10, or Skip-Bo. And they love it when we jump on the
trampoline, have Nerf-gun wars, or play handball or skipping.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">15. Get down on their level and
interact</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Play if that winds
your watch, but just be alongside their activities without any agenda
of your own. Take what they hand to you, give back what they want
back, talk about what they're doing, listen to their imaginary
stories, don't direct them or add to the stories. Be neutral in your
observations, just like a good sportscaster: say what you see, notice
their development and skills improvement, recognize their attempts...</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">16.
Save their presents</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">There
is something precious and heart warming about going back through all
of the hand-made mothers or fathers day cards, birthday cards, and
Christmas cards our children give us. Show them that you treasure
their thoughtfulness and kind gifts. My great-grandmother kept a
pottery ‘thing’ I made on her shelf for over a decade until she
passed away. I saw it every time I visited and marvelled that she
kept it on display. I felt like she loved me because she loved the
gift.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">16. Do not be an example of hoarding</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Teach gratitude
and generosity by being grateful and generous. Keep the treasures you
treasure, and thank them for the treasures you discard when the gift
has served its purpose. Teach sharing by donating unneeded things to
others. </span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;">17.
Tell them you love them</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">They
need to hear those three words often.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "Gentium Basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">17. Express your genuine emotions</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When you feel
loving, tell them you love them. When you feel tired, tell them
you're tired. Be real.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: none; line-height: 0.23in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "arvo" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">18.
Show them you love them</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #555555;"><span style="font-family: "lato" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 8pt;">More
than the words, they need to feel you love them. Show them as much as
you can. They will grow up resilient, because they will grow up
feeling cared for and listened to.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">18. Demonstrate your life priorities in
your choices of how you spend your time and energy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Gentium Basic;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Spend
your time on what is genuinely important to you: friends, others,
cars, tv shows, globetrotting, work... or the people you love.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "gentium basic";"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "hp simplified light" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Children are not, and cannot become, resilient. They are deeply affected by harsh treatment, chronic stress and trauma. They are healed by loving and nurturing care. </span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The goals isn't resiliency anyhow, it's mental health and well-being... </span></blockquote>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-66387497071242754712016-12-13T13:43:00.000-08:002016-12-13T13:43:00.141-08:00Thriving Past Childhood Trauma<div class="tr_bq">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh09jku706KVdQrcjYws-3rWC7gS8-dzB06zucLuntB4Fydrbo9cv969gEEZZRLxsLc49TNK3VuOHbM1_a50pVyAmtWwem9KpWHWYahX4LUGpYn8b0S3o_3PmGfVkLB5jdfIGOTaFlNKwY/s1600/16197414403_a9ed84cc7a_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/danielarauz/16197414403/in/photolist-qFiYZz-7pni5K-rzNupw-8EqYsv-riLzht-rkDbWF-rzNqcJ-9HXnsU-7pniJH-7pnhU8-qFiKAF-8U9d4P-7pnk6F-rzNEnC-9HUsgT-rkDk3v-rkD9AD-7prdP1-rC6fme-7pngDK-rkwT49-rkwRD5-7prb3C-rkDkvK-7prbxy-7pniiM-rBZFeZ-7prbKE-qFiKrx-qF6nyQ-rkwJGQ-rBZzci-rC6eRX-rBZvwT-rBZzsi-rAtfsL-7prbjC-rBZDxn-qFiYhH-rC67XB-7x3RCV-qF6pRq-rkwPQL-riLM7k-rC64Kp-rC61CH-CJN4az-Db1xzZ-BfLjwY-DhK5Cq" border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh09jku706KVdQrcjYws-3rWC7gS8-dzB06zucLuntB4Fydrbo9cv969gEEZZRLxsLc49TNK3VuOHbM1_a50pVyAmtWwem9KpWHWYahX4LUGpYn8b0S3o_3PmGfVkLB5jdfIGOTaFlNKwY/s320/16197414403_a9ed84cc7a_o.jpg" title="Celebrating Life by Daniel Arauz" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How do parents (people) get over childhood trauma?</span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This exchange happened on a facebook page. Details have been changed to protect the identity of the innocent:</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Parent: It's sad from the
child's point of view. People forget to feel for the children; it makes the child
feel forgotten (I have been a Forgotten Child myself).</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Linda: It's not sad for the kids
involved, either. It's soul-crushing.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As you know.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Parent: Very true. After a while it's simply sad
because anything more than sad would be irreversible.</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Linda: I'm not sure I know what
you mean...<br />
<br />What is reversible?...</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Parent: Well, there's sad, and
there's hopeless. If you can keep yourself at an even level of sad, you can
live through that. You may not live through hopeless.</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Linda: I don't think the dichotomy
is that clean. It isn't 'sad' versus 'hopeless.' For a couple of
reasons...</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you can touch the fury,
you might be able to process the sadness more easily because it won't
be trying to stand in for much more powerful emotions. When you meet
the rage, the sadness won't feel like 'if I start crying I won't stop
for 9 years.'<br />
<br />...and, I think more
importantly:</span></blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is hopeless. Not for the
future, but to alter the past. No one can go back to have a better
childhood than they had, or the parents they needed, or to get the
help they needed, or to feel that they were seen or accepted then.</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What they do have, in the
way of hope for the future is multi-faceted:</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">It is over and can't keep
happening: the children are no longer children and no longer need
those people's approval.</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7BR7510lRJUquNCVzoavrQ3Wx2aLa_Ass39nXL_U9SbFaDJkDaAlLKj5NxEfEkxSXTCQtuEZvysDwlWOtyhFMH0Y7AmCNPJIiw2g7GAYoJt6tVtq0K4tMARRMMKIhSDh0j20M8UMx6uE/s1600/3909111297_a02b3b9e6a_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/ted_major/3909111297/in/photolist-6XrdAD-6wG7Gy-92isTd-4ENr8u-apAk1P-7iWMCG-2MT9Uv-7KVPm7-8GRTCY-nXmAwh-cykaZQ-fZxSip-76v8VV-ePJykq-jhspZr-9n6rJQ-devL2s-eqanmg-pos1Yx-gjcNGH-9X9dan-aikD5w-8Rr3pu-fdf3Kj-dnjLGo-apD5XW-dBnnAt-mj8uHd-5CfBj6-px31UN-6BaJTK-63oLAZ-fyhf1t-wdzbk5-ds2moV-nzcDCi-faDXgv-dnvnV6-f7ECf5-t5yWSz-dEYQh9-ncSPC6-apCDew-8QumXK-gxTFWE-kCqseF-poSuab-8nHdxA-kB5FnF-Xk7CN" border="0" height="135" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7BR7510lRJUquNCVzoavrQ3Wx2aLa_Ass39nXL_U9SbFaDJkDaAlLKj5NxEfEkxSXTCQtuEZvysDwlWOtyhFMH0Y7AmCNPJIiw2g7GAYoJt6tVtq0K4tMARRMMKIhSDh0j20M8UMx6uE/s400/3909111297_a02b3b9e6a_o.jpg" title="Rainbow 2009-09-10 by Ted Major" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">The past does not dictate the future. What has happened has happened, but it is over... the
last three tosses of a coin coming up heads has no effect at all on
the next toss of the same coin. The odds are about strings of events,
but the past events do not affect the pure odds of the next event.
The coin has exactly 50% chance of being heads again. The threads we
draw from one event to another are narratives we construct, not a
continuous string of causes-and-effects. We can make new choices, go
down new roads, think new thoughts. Now the child knows.</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Now the child knows exactly what went wrong and exactly what it
feels like and exactly why doing anything like that to anyone, ever, is not okay. This is not possible to avoid until the child knows.</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span></blockquote>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-43081539966986723132016-12-08T13:05:00.000-08:002016-12-08T13:05:01.534-08:00Multiple Penalty<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDo0mvljl5v5BR-iZnpoejQekkp5EVjTwYzqtZ6_l8kGfCuIWsuF0uawYoexxrBiakZz4EVOPQO-YcHnQ0gkAvzqhH6uCN2EwPBTXxwmbITgMwci8tKcNSJImJWI1ShyphenhyphenJRJK4TUfuHStk/s1600/9453484491_b975ef99a7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/angryjuliemonday/9453484491/in/photolist-egPkX3-5F2bmq-DkVUcJ-5EWSsF-6yXdk-bpRaKz-qZuQYB-j7KcdG-67B4nX-svxiqg-oSrgGQ-oDPDag-7vsTJ-4fnyJ1-bpRdyK-hJpgWC-5EWMKT-d2kUvh-fpnzzV-s18sy-5EWSx6-6yXdr" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDo0mvljl5v5BR-iZnpoejQekkp5EVjTwYzqtZ6_l8kGfCuIWsuF0uawYoexxrBiakZz4EVOPQO-YcHnQ0gkAvzqhH6uCN2EwPBTXxwmbITgMwci8tKcNSJImJWI1ShyphenhyphenJRJK4TUfuHStk/s320/9453484491_b975ef99a7_o.jpg" title="My son made his first ever trip to the penalty box...by AngryJulieMonday" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Scenario: </b><i style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Pulled over for doing 15 over the limit in a park zone. Groan... This ticket is going to be big. So embarrassing, kids in the car.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Result: </b>Pay the fine, complain to friends about overzealous cops, move on.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Scenario:</b><i><b> </b>Kid get hauled into the principal's office over some playground scuffle. Not sure who started, it, both kids get detention and a note sent home.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Result: </b>Parent reads the note, sends child to room to think about what he's done, goes online and asks if other parents think he should also lose access to all electronics for the evening.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now, for the adult infraction, you can insert 'murders neighbour' as the infraction in the first scenario and the 'result' is still only 'gets convicted, serves time.'</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The child in the scenario above was already metaphorically sent to the penalty box, twice, and now parents are discussing how high the fine should be. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The argument is that the kid needs to learn 'the real world' results of breaking the rules.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Does she?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Does she need to 'learn the real world results'? (I'm not so sure about that... but I'm also not so sure she isn't going to, anyhow. Like, how do you stop her from learning about the world she's actually living in?)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Suppose the answer to that is yes, for a moment (I'm not conceding it, but I will entertain the though for a moment) --the next obvious question is:</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Are these 'real world' results?</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The child has been punished (by the school.) The child has further been punished (jailtime for kids = go to your room.) Now the parents are talking about a third penalty for the same infraction.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the 'real world' there are not many jurisdictions where you can be tried twice for the same crime, much less sentenced three times for it. Multiple murders don't result in multiple sentences per murder. Individual crimes need to be picked out, and convicted, before there can be more than one sentence. There is nothing 'real world' about this.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is really just about taking out on kids whatever happened to parents as kids, isn't it?</span>Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-65689919954316967062016-11-01T11:19:00.000-07:002016-11-01T11:19:28.459-07:00Announce-and-Wait<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>...effective ways of getting them into
the car, out of the house, to get dressed...</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBxcOO3ZH19bumjOaZNa_Xw2dvCiRowt_k0MSCa9Ed6McJSu5wYBWgn-cKEe5_QcT6gHaTnR4u5qw052RAzZXshhfJPPtxlmGU0JEDi_MKmEyRiXS0VeG3gp1Ff58Ig6tzxStuQzm7-N0/s1600/16280303709_3ac166b703_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/donnieray/16280303709/" border="0" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBxcOO3ZH19bumjOaZNa_Xw2dvCiRowt_k0MSCa9Ed6McJSu5wYBWgn-cKEe5_QcT6gHaTnR4u5qw052RAzZXshhfJPPtxlmGU0JEDi_MKmEyRiXS0VeG3gp1Ff58Ig6tzxStuQzm7-N0/s320/16280303709_3ac166b703_o.jpg" title="Sissy come play in the road with me, by Donnie Ray Jones" width="320" /></a></b></span></div>
</div>
<div align="RIGHT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Every couple of hours I read
a post of Facebook wherein parents describe the explanations they
give their kids for why diapers need to be changed, or we all need to
go outside, or it's time to leave the park, or go to school, or get
out of bed, or go to bed, or put on shoes, or pack up for dance
class... or whatever.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“You want to go to
class...”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“If you don't, your bum
will get sore...”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“It's good for your body
to be out in the sunlight, moving around...”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“Besides, you like the
seaside...”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRPSm1xgy2vmEj_2J0jdJ9SwoXVuMvzqc3vk1g5n0kMuQiuriXWAgt7aC6GblEvBWcIKejKqzOR1DQ-8H0RH_4HkWduM-XApqvhKRDcujhvU-pMm4jeFTb2hgevIubAsD40Mt_seB5cYU/s1600/3397050051_4b4ac886a9_o.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/renegade13/3397050051/" border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRPSm1xgy2vmEj_2J0jdJ9SwoXVuMvzqc3vk1g5n0kMuQiuriXWAgt7aC6GblEvBWcIKejKqzOR1DQ-8H0RH_4HkWduM-XApqvhKRDcujhvU-pMm4jeFTb2hgevIubAsD40Mt_seB5cYU/s320/3397050051_4b4ac886a9_o.png" title="Questioning by Ashley Reboulet" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Translation: </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“Blah blah
blah blah blah blah bum blah blah blah.”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">One of the recommended
techniques to improve not only a child's vocabulary but also their
ability to think for life is to chatter away at them about what is
going on, what things are called, their descriptions, how they
function, etc. Pointing out the world and describing it theoretically
gives kids the mental framework they need to assemble their thoughts
in order to understand what is going on around them...</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">...which is all well and
good, up to a point.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That point is where parents are trying to
convince them that a parent's ideas of what should happen next is a super great idea that all sane children will leap to agree
with.
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Is this where I mention that
kids</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> (especially little kids, but let's be honest: people of all
ages) are not noted for their sanity?</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Even after decades of study
in marketing and the science of influencing people, adults struggle to
convince other adults to switch to Pepsi or wear their seatbelts...
and yet we expect to talk a busy toddler into changing activities
while they're doing what they want to do. This is not rational.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3kPdk-jTk15zvHmj8hqXYYrMuqj85fa7d2FrdM3YjKuuTopHfJCYxpy6ggCfC3J7Ok7m6Qk79tgfQhrQ2lETUYBgu13a2rZqtBSYVmQcpgz51BBeg3KYGkxnQdQN6voixTv2Jctrizyg/s1600/427584882_3de589b7bb_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/anthrovik/427584882/" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3kPdk-jTk15zvHmj8hqXYYrMuqj85fa7d2FrdM3YjKuuTopHfJCYxpy6ggCfC3J7Ok7m6Qk79tgfQhrQ2lETUYBgu13a2rZqtBSYVmQcpgz51BBeg3KYGkxnQdQN6voixTv2Jctrizyg/s320/427584882_3de589b7bb_o.jpg" title="Toddler Pool by Victoria" width="320" /></a></span></div>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And, more importantly, it
doesn't work. Pretty much ever.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">No child is going to be sold
on the 'fun' of cleaning up their room, or putting the dishes in the
sink, or going outside when they are happily exploring the texture of
the carpet.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>What Actually Works, Ever</b>
(not 100%, because, see above, re: sanity)</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Get the child's attention.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Announce.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Wait.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Wait a little while longer.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Get the child's
attention</b><br /><br />When they're busy experimenting with the light and
shadow on the tile by the door, their minds are not open to what else
is going on... so <i>to them</i>, dad chattering away in the background is like talk
radio in a different language that you can hear from someone's
passing car.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Get down on the child's
level, in front of the child so you are within sight. Touch the child
gently. Wait until they make eye contact.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Announce</b></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Just say what is coming up,
with the first direction you need them to follow:</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">'Shoes on, we're going to
the grocery store.'</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">'Time for a diaper change,
meet me over there...'</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">'Get what you need for
skating lessons.'</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Wait</b></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgJKim6JjnEL_Vtt9OAWrnZlXuydUR7cj3NR6cAHa2QzpoUYxHP4Xz8YP8ee5P19e850jDCLfWWomCW7d4gymPD8Q1gcX96FBNQmTR46DByIdgEbuIgcfVs0pHFT17MxDTuobjgk9T_Zg/s1600/8444068678_7e732001c0_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/mliu92/8444068678/in/photolist-jUSMBZ-dJp6Mx-juzw43-jvSp3E-4BNSep-dCQPDf-5L4cPZ-jUCqJf-3eZegd-2eRPZY-5Rx6yM-8HqLs8-dSb4r1-7USjAn-7hqWuG-7VTzAS-6YvDZe-6uAYEF-6KXsVz-4L1nkG-6uB1oF-aTx7G6-dj9Puc-4KW8A6-5EVbE3-mKvdtV-rpAGga" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgJKim6JjnEL_Vtt9OAWrnZlXuydUR7cj3NR6cAHa2QzpoUYxHP4Xz8YP8ee5P19e850jDCLfWWomCW7d4gymPD8Q1gcX96FBNQmTR46DByIdgEbuIgcfVs0pHFT17MxDTuobjgk9T_Zg/s320/8444068678_7e732001c0_o.jpg" title="Slow Down 0646, after the sub a quiet moment alone by mliu92" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Simple enough. Hard to do.
It helps to sit still and not say anything at all. Adding words or
movement at this point is distracting from what you've just said is
going to happen, and suggests that it isn't, actually... It suggests that
something has happened to make that go away (because things do that
all the time –I'm talking to you
In-5-minutes-we-will-leave-where-mummy-is-talking-to-friends, and we
don't go anywhere for 23 minutes!)</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Things are moving inside
where you can't see them. Gears are shifting, and because they are
little and have hardly any practice, it takes a while. Watch their
face ponder what you've said, and wait while it's integrated into
their world in there.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They want to get along, they
want to be part of the big world. They want to be clean and happy and
fed and have a variety of experiences. They just don't want to be
rushed.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They really don't want to be
convinced.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Just wait. Just watch.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-23255659004288665322016-10-27T11:45:00.000-07:002016-10-27T11:45:01.925-07:00Say The Right Thing First<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK7kbrcjIEaeAGw1nUxBSQSEa-gjkkKq0CfrdSmaLRcJipvw0XDrJfsXsU6z7LuwiiYC6hvZtmR5EuZC29zL2ELYAEHTqHdp9LkPB8sO03p051agZ5sfnjdAW1RmfKn7spFqrrMw_-ncI/s1600/4679642827_83b66a16ec_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/kurt-b/4679642827/in/photolist-88woM2-9hzxD8-qsyWCw-4ydzj3-cBMaCy-52ou2d-jopru-3TCJ6q-7K6HZ4-8Jvprf-e3k1Fh-p6BLtz-bEKSsy-vzo8kg-agyf9B-7NQgJt-84a4C9-w8mMPz-EJGHWo-ftYha1-dLGZ6P-6y8hru-7S4JMr-g9uLDG-oC13WV-9y7NHu-467tSo-7YMenG-7hLn3G-fNm2ud-66Vufw-7SoMDW-8Ng3tc-pixuTA-pwaozX-dngYZP-eHuK4B-fdMfzZ-5ghFQZ-9UntMm-dj1VwK-6fiRg5-467uro-fxyRs6-amA7UB-nWvWFi-C1ud3-9rHVqu-cZCBrm-qVekdq" border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK7kbrcjIEaeAGw1nUxBSQSEa-gjkkKq0CfrdSmaLRcJipvw0XDrJfsXsU6z7LuwiiYC6hvZtmR5EuZC29zL2ELYAEHTqHdp9LkPB8sO03p051agZ5sfnjdAW1RmfKn7spFqrrMw_-ncI/s320/4679642827_83b66a16ec_o.jpg" title="Conversation While Waiting for Lunch by Kurt Bauschardt" width="320" /></span></a><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“How do I find the right words to
explain ______ to my ____ -year-old?”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The question comes up frequently, on
parenting lists, in groups, at events. Implied in this question is,
often, “How do I fit the words and concepts into my child's head so
s/he will know everything necessary on the subject at 20 without
overwhelming them now or leaving anything out?”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My short answer is 'you don't.'</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The slightly longer answer is 'you
don't all at once.'</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Amongst my friends and family we have
what apparently is quite a unique conversational style. As far as I
can tell it's uncommon to revisit a conversation that's been had
already-- for any reason--at a later date. I find this quite
bizarre.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglsYbVwm43P9zZe_7czpYyVE5Vcy4didAL18qRTsCD2gvfEnPV7U_r2A3KcfBkdXWrGCP-iqNqe-mUwBIGIikn-FhE0C17pOkeIPCF-UQpo232t_k8CzeX6n0lpy0HWYQl6guHuJ8iV_M/s1600/15493241371_c2e47ecd52_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/27568572@N06/15493241371/in/photolist-pB5UTe-GtkUWH-jkYcm1-8Df5t-owqY5F-ftxjj6-9cpTUL-5bp1r3-kJdSG-CMXgz-cdBDsJ-4gntYQ-8Qx69K-67r9rW-8XJAyM-9rz4n4-ak67eS-cQ8z3N-oPBf16-qNCAww-b4Us2P-8nBf1e-6Ldtip-6Ldtgr-79YPK-oAzTvP-dD7Fiz-25pv-8zXXGA-DAiP9q-dqZw3x-dTQ8WB-8U2QCk-5ecboz-dsRUH-7UgCTt-J5PG8S-oTd4hh-H89VT-aSyeGv-dKv5dB-6EKTkC-osNBBu-9UFXZy-7vuLpD-3nt85E-FgMTD-aF9d6o-bzVQxj-9NHp18" border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglsYbVwm43P9zZe_7czpYyVE5Vcy4didAL18qRTsCD2gvfEnPV7U_r2A3KcfBkdXWrGCP-iqNqe-mUwBIGIikn-FhE0C17pOkeIPCF-UQpo232t_k8CzeX6n0lpy0HWYQl6guHuJ8iV_M/s320/15493241371_c2e47ecd52_o.jpg" title="Conversation, time moves slowly when talking to old friends by Sagar" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Many a topic-opener in conversations
with a very long-time friend is 'remember we were talking about blah
blah blah a few years/months/days/hours/minutes ago?' We restart
conversations, kind of in the middle, as new information is
discovered, new thoughts or ideas are formed or found out there in
the world, or just because we're not satisfied with our understanding
or expression of our thoughts on the subject.
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Since this was a normal kind of
conversation for my kids to be around for, whether or not they were
listening, there was always a strong underlying reality in our world:
the subject is not closed, no one has had the final word on the
topic, and there are many reasons to re-visit the issue.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-hbR7iYUesAextEYuBVokLtWvPvmXIBwEfc0nuHU3IpZDOHcZldhSvERHExHpWkwEfYpnOtmHLN0awA5doHs4sRnFIBJHrfLVCdNAVifJkrDqhbmNb8vXwfDIoPadTBE67BPJVb5j9pM/s1600/444424399_861a588325_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/aturkus/444424399/in/photolist-FgMTD-aF9d6o-bzVQxj-9NHp18-bjrjKD-DaH64V-3QenJ3-DZKir9-4MDcHq-k1VCxV-smhcVQ-o4Fp65-kPexUB-Cxsmus-jCZJfS-3GHvFq-duXQPG-dU7C8V-4EYA2F-54P8PF-nTpWhe-qS7Hja-5rqDao-pXYj8z-8pdfXt-c12KjJ-d8X3Rw-gqwzy3-86arAw-ngBsWL-mTa8Cf-wNw5cg-5ADpyL-cxknrL-egdxSc-B1Lmse-r796XE-pizHT7-6eEFci-eJzpfm-bJPdDK-bn2LuJ-66ba1k-bdkZjx-agCKMM-hMzmnq-Nnrg4-g3xJFv-dCRV69-nRYvaU" border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-hbR7iYUesAextEYuBVokLtWvPvmXIBwEfc0nuHU3IpZDOHcZldhSvERHExHpWkwEfYpnOtmHLN0awA5doHs4sRnFIBJHrfLVCdNAVifJkrDqhbmNb8vXwfDIoPadTBE67BPJVb5j9pM/s200/444424399_861a588325_o.jpg" title="Conversation by Alan Turkus" width="200" /></span></a><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, instead of feeling like I had to
explain sex and death and taxes and drugs and etiquette and tact
versus lying, or whatever, once and for all... I always knew the
conversation was developing. Developing because the thumbnail answer
any 3yo can absorb at a time isn't ever going to be the way the same
child will comprehend the subject at 8 or 13 or 22 (or 48 or 77...)
and that means the discussion continues more or less where it left
off the next time there is some reason to talk about it.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSNr_8f0PcEGvZ0q3fSiyWRF8Z42LSE0LDJJygnFvFASci1hySeW-yWkf05XRlkj8P8etSYH2-2MEOcpwPrEuzn9SjNVlGbY7nSqxzssDANsWkI_dJLfzXdONiOrkLObuwTtyC7M1PIo0/s1600/26563701341_616b5808f0_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/130343457@N03/26563701341/in/photolist-GtkUWH-jkYcm1-8Df5t-owqY5F-ftxjj6-9cpTUL-5bp1r3-kJdSG-CMXgz-cdBDsJ-4gntYQ-8Qx69K-67r9rW-8XJAyM-9rz4n4-ak67eS-cQ8z3N-oPBf16-qNCAww-b4Us2P-8nBf1e-6Ldtip-6Ldtgr-79YPK-oAzTvP-dD7Fiz-25pv-8zXXGA-DAiP9q-dqZw3x-dTQ8WB-8U2QCk-5ecboz-dsRUH-7UgCTt-J5PG8S-oTd4hh-H89VT-aSyeGv-dKv5dB-6EKTkC-osNBBu-9UFXZy-7vuLpD-3nt85E-FgMTD-aF9d6o-bzVQxj-9NHp18-bjrjKD" border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSNr_8f0PcEGvZ0q3fSiyWRF8Z42LSE0LDJJygnFvFASci1hySeW-yWkf05XRlkj8P8etSYH2-2MEOcpwPrEuzn9SjNVlGbY7nSqxzssDANsWkI_dJLfzXdONiOrkLObuwTtyC7M1PIo0/s320/26563701341_616b5808f0_o.jpg" title="Conversation by Stanislaw.k" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Reasons for restarting a conversation:</span></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I saw in the news</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">that movie we just watched</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">a story book we are reading</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">someone else was talking about it
and mentioned a new way (to me) to think about it</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I stumbled upon new information
online</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">someone else was talking about it
and said ______</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">your friend is dealing with the
same thing now</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">another death in the social circle
or celebrity media</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I was thinking about what you, I,
or they said the last time we talked</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">it seemed like the conversation
ended abruptly because of some kind of interruption, and we aren't
finished with it... so, as I was saying . . . .</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-36932347099482655932016-10-21T09:02:00.000-07:002016-10-21T09:02:31.911-07:00Adult View, Child Mind<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>or why what we think has
no bearing on how children understand</i></span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUCBPD9Wiu9QZr0FbDZ5s2EJ8ftm3p9p-76FoGGLQB0UbiuhlEUSltlEPaxKbSQxFLlkQ0CO3HBLHlJ2NShlgJSGijfPpdFIaA7KLZkweV0eJoenT-ssZ0bqXc5oWSAOuOXLz40Ld3roY/s1600/15670859880_1b70dddebf_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/128539140@N03/15670859880/in/photolist-pSMfFj-mKvdtV-8Pe6pv-5MeFzJ-6r4Dv7-rD5YYm-GXoRky-cHVR3m" border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUCBPD9Wiu9QZr0FbDZ5s2EJ8ftm3p9p-76FoGGLQB0UbiuhlEUSltlEPaxKbSQxFLlkQ0CO3HBLHlJ2NShlgJSGijfPpdFIaA7KLZkweV0eJoenT-ssZ0bqXc5oWSAOuOXLz40Ld3roY/s320/15670859880_1b70dddebf_o.jpg" title="Raiding the Cupboard by Jake Stimpson" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">“She hates breastfeeding.”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> “He is fighting sleep.”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> “They are testing me
today.”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> “Kids have to test the
limits.”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> “Teens have to rebel.”</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> Nope, nope, nope, nope. No
to all.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A form of childism that
pervades our culture is seen in the way adults talk about children's
perceptions of the world –their aims, their understanding and their
experiences.
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Kids don't 'test
boundaries' they struggle mightily to make any kind of sense out of
the world, from gravity to unspoken social rules (like why we
compliment people on weight loss but never mention gain, which is
kind of related to gravity) and part of that is pure science
experiment: what happens when I ...?</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> What happens when I pour
the water on the floor? </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What happens when I pour it on the couch? </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The
cat? When the sun is up? </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When the lights are on? </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When it's from a
sippy cup? </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When it's from a bottle? </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When it's from a bowl?</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Adults, looking at this
typical exploration of the world will often say 'she's testing the
boundaries' or 'she's testing her parents.' </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She isn't. </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She's trying
to figure out why this cup-shaped stuff changes shape as it moves,
why it makes some things lighter and some things darker and why it
has not so far ever gone up the other way. If sometimes there is a
lot of clapping and cheering and sometimes there is anger and
shouting or punishment, she'll have to spend a lot of time
experimenting to figure out how to fit that into her understanding of
the world, too.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Years ago, John Bradshaw
(Family Systems theory) told a story of how little Farquar would be
happily jumping into a pile of cushions mum made for him in the
living room, to cheering and laughter, who later spots a pile of
cushions in the furniture store and can't for the life of him work
out why he's being shouted at and dragged by the arm from the
store... 'it looked like a pile of cushions to me...???'</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> We tend to personify our
worlds, generally: people cut <i>us</i>
off in traffic, they aren't distracted and hurried; the weather is
for or against our plans, depending on if it rains on our parade; if
we were to say that to someone only in anger, that can be the only
possible reason anyone else said it to us, ever... et cetera.
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: right;">
<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRpMxJ7xzYjzp2OtgSvQB4yLMjJnO7EulnjMETW-c4XEjKdKz-uE7IfCwJMf0dJXkDzDdzJnL1E98lhJI7KZBczB301vndNSl25A9Qbo5KkxFhhRNBNbQYDe4VXJ2htgXOhehvu2rbCuw/s1600/370436981_900147add7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/whereisat/370436981/in/photolist-yJA1v-7mYpFk-aLebU-ab6L9j-eCjg7S-4ZG6bA-qUaxLK-eFPtQ7-pCYRsM-rsefH-6kWb4-kHhkHH-6DjoYp-4WczxT-3hvvRG-4Q2ab8-7f152g-4phbK2-6PoEvX-5fzZ5b-6eUV23-mtwLq-9x6kUo-Ld1Ys-eey9CA-iNTvU-7RhJ9M-6sSwkj-mMGusA-74xbPy-eFPTR9-7KmaXo-eFRGfb-4x2VzV-pXjnsU-8K1pKQ-6kAdNB-eFPHPh-5RRPxs-7SzKb4-6T93aK-4Qt7vT-6kEdMs-qVpzJP-5koSRw-kqbeP-4AREhb-6gR6m9-b1tXW6-99GNFq" border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRpMxJ7xzYjzp2OtgSvQB4yLMjJnO7EulnjMETW-c4XEjKdKz-uE7IfCwJMf0dJXkDzDdzJnL1E98lhJI7KZBczB301vndNSl25A9Qbo5KkxFhhRNBNbQYDe4VXJ2htgXOhehvu2rbCuw/s200/370436981_900147add7_o.jpg" title="Road Rage Fist by Beelgin" width="200" /></a><br />
A brief
aside: the Fundamental Attribution Error is a common thought mistake
whereby we excuse our own errors (we didn't 'cut off that driver'
because they were going faster than we thought or we're just in a
hurry which makes it fine or understandable or otherwise completely
excusable) yet we attribute character flaws and/or malice to others
who do exactly the same things (they are Bad Drivers, they are
Selfish, Thoughtless, Idiots, Worthless, Reprobates.) </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: right;">
<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Becoming aware
of this common thought error can help us enormously in life, not the
least in preventing our own stress-caused heart attacks. Anyhow...
back to the point...</span></blockquote>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> When we
are looking at our children's behaviour and attitudes, expressions
and postures, it's important to remember a number of vital things
before we react in anger or frustration:</span></div>
<ol>
<li><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: #d9d2e9; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Is
this a Fundamental Attribution Error?</span></div>
</li>
<li><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: #d9d2e9; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Is
it possible to explain this behaviour in a neutral or positive
way?</span></div>
</li>
<li><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: #d9d2e9; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Am
I attributing adult brain capacities to a child's brain?</span></div>
</li>
<li><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: #d9d2e9; color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Am
I taking personally something which genuinely has nothing at all
to do with me?</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">A
friend's son once rollerbladed up the aisle at church. In his
defense, he was a young teen and incapable of complex thought
processes like abstractions (How will this reflect on my mother's
parenting? What kinds of unspoken rules might this violate? How will
the parish see this? What deeper meaning might there be to aisles in
churches vis a vis casual sporting equipment?) and it was choir
practice, not sermon. In her defense, she'd not encountered a lot of
information about brain development and the differences between
adults' and children's brains at that point. To this day, she tells
the story wishing that she was anyone but his mother, so she could
have laughed because it was hilarious. Instead, she felt constrained
by her role as Mother to perform 'stern' and 'censorious' as she
believed she was expected (peer pressure doesn't go magically away as
we leave our teens...)</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXhCfDXtLIurAyRKMYzpHhyuWC7_gJficAJlexkyTfkkiBgSfLIgHgg26XBv5H0_bNcwfZ8jvix6XcSE6ah1WRBWOcPknCXkKrK0V3PtOm1ePYWU9GZKwka7yU106kvBmHJtsw5j907-g/s1600/5759617308_81a57939da_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/ladyozma/5759617308/in/photolist-9ToLG9-9Tm2UM-4tiieb-9LXxwQ-9ToPRU-bsBZKk-9Tm25K-nGS119-8A3Fpa-8A3rFT-nJHHg7-9ToQaw-9Tm2gt-8A6yWh-9ToPGy-9Tm38K-9TkZgx-9ToSVW-ov5Pgh-8A6Mtw-5YBa88-8A3QAe-9ToQfq-9ToQQw-4LPnPw-9LXxyG-v3eUHG-8A6XJb-a9jQ6F-9ToQKL-9LXxwu-xZZ9Wm-yhyjRg-xZZAef-xZYGD1-ygzidC-xZYQA3-yiibiV-ygFBjA-wEgjDh-v5yjAn-uMYfCS-jzduyF-iH98pX-fbdAAS-faYm88-f9Pr9E-f9Pr11-djLtt9-4XHoS9/" border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXhCfDXtLIurAyRKMYzpHhyuWC7_gJficAJlexkyTfkkiBgSfLIgHgg26XBv5H0_bNcwfZ8jvix6XcSE6ah1WRBWOcPknCXkKrK0V3PtOm1ePYWU9GZKwka7yU106kvBmHJtsw5j907-g/s320/5759617308_81a57939da_o.jpg" title="Speedskaters whiz by runners in local 5k by Lady Ozma" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Surely you can see where
I'm going with this...
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> It's
hard to remember a time in our lives when we didn't have those brain
structures that make thinking this way possible, because all of our
memories are coloured by the rememberings using each new structure as
it developed... so we are telling stories of ourselves as younger
through the thoughts of our brains imagining those events while we are
older.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"> It
is easy and unchallenging </span><i><span style="background-color: #d9d2e9; color: #073763;">to us</span></i><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="background-color: white;">
</span>to take things personally and make the other person wrong rather than
struggling to see their point of view. It is so clearly so vastly
different from our own pov, particularly when we're used to our adult
brains and the idea that everyone else on the planet has the same
adult-brain capacity we do.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Our children have a deep
need to stay connected to us, to keep us on their side, and
absolutely no interest in infuriating us. Attributing desires in them
that disconnect or distance them from us and our approval is wildly
inappropriate.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> It is grossly unfair to
punish someone for rules they don't know exist, particularly when we
have great difficulty ourselves trying to articulate the specifics of
these rules and how they vary from time to time and place to place.</span></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-40135212832857625642016-03-28T17:40:00.000-07:002016-05-09T17:12:17.369-07:00Magic Calories<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDA3VW-GJp53wNrn1_SM6RiCh8_27ObUl4D9DGlavGjVapWelb-LSBB7RcMk0zppYcM4JoQx82opuyjytEciJnvdhagure02m2vk0Bj7zthtzabgRkXa5QapJ20h3fdk53QRjIcl7T_E0/s1600/5034491496_90a899be1f_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/54397539@N06/5034491496/in/photolist-8ET5Vw-a7yV8W-8hBMF4-YkB1j-76mEo-fUkpvS-bYE5Po-nHCqpA-zo7XSj-7DUbMU-ev15GA-8ET5Mo-7sVmF3-4xeTd2-8r4vkg-6rkgwE-5Epkaw-nLWPs-8EPUba-jYo6tq-8ET5NU-8ETwq9-8ETwnY-4dN2cr-8EPUje-jXGot-4QTuez-ytxtec-skrqEb-nTtjc9-i1tFo-539yXz-31qTw-5jAFK8-z8W1Sg-9E6EC6-8kcvFU-c58iU-8gDXDp-2PxZHe-4Teqj-i1tKF-citv9u-sss5XS-rzzkpo-ndkVLA-4ri3tN-e9p4Vg-ofyFWL-g4YjUX" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDA3VW-GJp53wNrn1_SM6RiCh8_27ObUl4D9DGlavGjVapWelb-LSBB7RcMk0zppYcM4JoQx82opuyjytEciJnvdhagure02m2vk0Bj7zthtzabgRkXa5QapJ20h3fdk53QRjIcl7T_E0/s1600/5034491496_90a899be1f_o.jpg" title="" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Ice Cream Cones by gordonramsaysubmissions</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="color: #375f7b; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">What reprehensible property does ice
cream have before dinner that it doesn’t have after dinner?</span><br />
<span style="color: #375f7b; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">What is this strange ‘ruin your
appetite’ thing of which the Grundys of the world speak?</span><br />
<span style="color: #375f7b; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">Earlier today, I wrote this in a
Facebook discussion:</span><br />
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">'What magical property of the
calories and nutrients in ice cream at 5:20pm is different from the calories and
nutrients in ice cream at 6:45pm?'</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">Why is popcorn okay at 8:10pm but not
7:45am?</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">If it's okay to displace x number of
calories with nutrition-free (or high calorie, low nutrition density) food, what
possible difference can it make to anyone, anywhere, if it is before or after
dinner? Or noon? Or the 4th time the earth has rotated around the sun since the
cancellation of Firefly?</span></blockquote>
<br />
<div align="left">
<span style="color: #375f7b; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: medium;">Does anyone have the
answer?</span></div>
Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-67166441927735381512016-01-18T10:33:00.000-08:002016-01-18T10:33:38.942-08:00Basic Triage: deal with the victim's injuries first<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">More on <a href="http://www.lindaclement.blogspot.ca/2016/01/anti-punishment-in-pro-punish-world.html" target="_blank">anti-punishment in a pro-punish world</a>...</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX3078QI_NyZ9TQ_j3HzrWpCzb3o59UcEu4uPpDudrcIEY3j_ofxuld_G_f9D1llwBfpeWX7PW9eqQvyu9rWIyMzUjBkorLqL6auFKHFl7PAc8YJ1LRIQFIH9onBsBwzt_nFr-Ux1cdN0/s1600/5111538516_5586374347_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img alt="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-b37YAk0v8lkd66MIYPGWtdxpYIc1U5OXY_nKcgmIxRmQ4fqz9u9b0sK8JGDzJHgqbiUM6wDd42gqyjMiJf0TyFyOTamdpdL0rh1D_qQhUdnLm4YYGsozcfXkarufM9x6V9LwWewrIb4/s320/5111538516_5586374347_o.jpg" border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX3078QI_NyZ9TQ_j3HzrWpCzb3o59UcEu4uPpDudrcIEY3j_ofxuld_G_f9D1llwBfpeWX7PW9eqQvyu9rWIyMzUjBkorLqL6auFKHFl7PAc8YJ1LRIQFIH9onBsBwzt_nFr-Ux1cdN0/s200/5111538516_5586374347_o.jpg" title="Tjook, CC license attrib/comm" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We live in a punishment-happy world,
where people's response to everything from one child grabbing a toy
from another to serial rapists is some kind of revenge fantasy. Hit
them back, abuse them back, get them back: tit for tat, at its
finest.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is not functional.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It is dysfunctional, but probably not
how you think it is...</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Basic triage of, say, a car accident
with multiple injuries does <i>not</i>
start with finding out who to blame and running them over with a
bigger vehicle to 'teach' them that they made a mistake. First aid is
given in order of the seriousness of the injury, not in order of who
is the least to blame.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When
this protocol is followed for other mistakes and injuries, a kind of
miracle occurs... the perpetrator (whoever is to blame) can see
clearly the result of their error without being distracted from what
happened to defend themselves against an attack from an authority
figure. Or, as a reader put it, in response to my last post:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 7pt;">YES.
And adding extra to the natural reaction following a mistake means
that the natural reaction is metaphorically (or literally) shouted
over and the additional extra becomes the focus of the child's
attention. Thereby muffling the natural learning reaction.</span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">One instance where this was
really clear to me was when our elder daughter locked the keys in the
car, just as we were about to leave my grandparents' house to come
home from a camping trip. She came into their house, her face white
in horror, and cried as she blurted out what had happened. Her dad
started shouting at her and I stopped him: 'she already clearly feels
terrible, what are you shouting for? It won't get the keys out of the
car...'</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghyuW9HA4zj_M5RUaryn-4KOJzITRN0KU8rcgclQVyg-WWKcEMvSW7GXkmscY1rzfLAVmsQ3ZvI-2eFJLVRMYfh7OJyAsDTiip0TptCLpmkBNnxx3B4aUoJaKYCjuZxhVZTr-9_eKfUk8/s1600/5857485174_fa4eeab954_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/59937401@N07/5857485174/in/photolist-9VB9gG-9VBaGL-9VymAV-9BqyUg-dHu8m4-aJptFP-9VykZK-644Ln2-9Vyij6-47sNkL-38FxBN-55UA1h-9VB7jC-o8HpiP-d1p5wS-34qSfQ-4HMHFB-98Gm-6h2g8K-dHugwT-cLrdhw-cLraCd-cLr6jS-cLr8WE-9Vynke-6s8b-cLrbML-cLr7WY-cLrdSb-cLrcDh-yXQ2GS-yHwoeC-y4fF5V-z18o8V-z1WnA4-yHC1rM-yHwoCd-yHwnN7-ESciu-yzhNz-69R6nh-69LT2T-69LTwz-9LB4ov-nMUJQg-cLrB29-cLry9S-cLru9w-cLrztd-55QoRe" border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghyuW9HA4zj_M5RUaryn-4KOJzITRN0KU8rcgclQVyg-WWKcEMvSW7GXkmscY1rzfLAVmsQ3ZvI-2eFJLVRMYfh7OJyAsDTiip0TptCLpmkBNnxx3B4aUoJaKYCjuZxhVZTr-9_eKfUk8/s200/5857485174_fa4eeab954_o.jpg" title="Images Money 'Close up Car key' CC license attrib/comm" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Punishment doesn't solve
problems. Punishment doesn't 'teach' people to notice the results of
their behaviour, or even to feel bad about what they did. Punishment
shows people that the authority is not on their side, and will
gleefully add to how bad they already feel about themselves and their
actions.
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Punishment teaches people to
evade blame and to argue against the authority's assertion that their
action was intentional or malicious, in order to avoid feeling worse
than they already do about the mistake. Punishment takes people's
minds off the results and focuses their attention on protecting
themselves from an attack...</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... exactly the opposite of
'teaching' them to take responsibility for their actions.</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Focusing on the victim
first, treating the injury and helping restore their sense of safety,
gives the perpetrator an unobstructed view of the results of their
action and space to think for themselves about what they really
wanted to achieve. It helps them save face while also giving them
time to take calm down and take in new information... the conditions
necessary to learn anything.</span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1808326228859379988.post-42738212148476156032016-01-15T15:06:00.000-08:002016-01-15T15:06:30.314-08:00Anti-Punishment in a Pro-Punish World<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiumtH2fd0cUwnSIh79aTgYA0AsXarlOrX8kJqHNjD79rLo36vCYkt28lpAOwCSuJXa5yMtCZOWuCHspLTeePmYufAKNBS8Yyh_n5zSMzMHHhtnmEq_kjADymzQ6Islah-lHSmCy94J5y0/s1600/2833064226_cc5bd4c9c7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/archer10/2833064226/in/photolist-5jmchW-z9aRYC-6wRA6L-83R13E-oNCdUi-b7ntgR-z9Crf-cRcQ7-89xEzT-bXStgm-7f3Ws4-xTv99Y-gqK3L-dBJKyj-bjUgXk-6U6bsH-5cmzC4-5Qxjui-3vnVkg-niVZyo-4nKtL-8wLS8k-o5K6s3-jUnzGB-kYzdc4-5ngh3w-qYgFei-qu8kZE-8tEC9b-5TBRMe-z9Crj-xTDvP4-oNoVgU-DQoDX-DrM1J-iR5VZb-zwmfuy-zh35gb-s1sFsx-m1eTS-7jARG6-6eC8zA-ALdq73-yBLXWZ-kYzPvF-nzDBsJ-boXoyw-zzmxYd-6mqarG-7Wp9iW" border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiumtH2fd0cUwnSIh79aTgYA0AsXarlOrX8kJqHNjD79rLo36vCYkt28lpAOwCSuJXa5yMtCZOWuCHspLTeePmYufAKNBS8Yyh_n5zSMzMHHhtnmEq_kjADymzQ6Islah-lHSmCy94J5y0/s320/2833064226_cc5bd4c9c7_o.jpg" title="Dennis Jarvis 'It's a small world, isn't it!' CC license attrib/comm" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The long-tail from childrearing in a punishment-happy world is adults who
believe that whenever they make a mistake, damage anything or get anything
wrong, they must be punished: made to feel bad about what they’ve
done.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Yes, that’s what I said:
again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">You see, the natural result of doing
something wrong, making a mistake, hurting others, doing damage or creating
unnecessary costs is to feel bad. Even really little kids get upset when the
item breaks, or the baby cries, the dog runs away. I am convinced that this is
not something that needs to be ‘taught.’ The natural result of making mistakes
or doing damage is self-recrimination, shame, guilt and a loss of self-esteem,
and to know that one is capable of harming others (and stuff.)</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-b37YAk0v8lkd66MIYPGWtdxpYIc1U5OXY_nKcgmIxRmQ4fqz9u9b0sK8JGDzJHgqbiUM6wDd42gqyjMiJf0TyFyOTamdpdL0rh1D_qQhUdnLm4YYGsozcfXkarufM9x6V9LwWewrIb4/s1600/5111538516_5586374347_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="https://www.flickr.com/photos/tjook/5111538516/in/photolist-8MFYjq-rK1EpY-r5zDKo-s2w9fz-twto4-68tu98-rJpkd8-5qis6R-72CFsk-aYWkoB-5KkNKg-8ErdD6-pztT5R-a6gZbw-Au3cM7-pigscb-5TCeF2-qAq5Gv-pxEuhw-pxEfc7-7PzYFL-dfdMda-pxHYaj-q2PAe6-nbskhx-5otM4s-iojZ2W-fxUSP1-pih24o-4Tq9tJ-4TkW7a-4Tq9sJ-4Tq9sb-aymetB-6avCpj-aqJTk-v4uZJM-yeS2CC-DuUMZ-4pJb7k-eR9RA3-6fDhLE-oWyYTz-m73iZv-6Xwk7Z-9PvcMW-eiN8jg-e9eYC2-s6msCj-nqhfGk" border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-b37YAk0v8lkd66MIYPGWtdxpYIc1U5OXY_nKcgmIxRmQ4fqz9u9b0sK8JGDzJHgqbiUM6wDd42gqyjMiJf0TyFyOTamdpdL0rh1D_qQhUdnLm4YYGsozcfXkarufM9x6V9LwWewrIb4/s320/5111538516_5586374347_o.jpg" title="Tjook 'behind bars' CC license attrib/comm" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Yet it is an article of faith among
the pro-punishment that in order for people to ‘learn’ they must have some kind
of personal harm applied: public censure, fines, thrashings, withdrawal of
affection, restriction of privileges, dragging it up in every
tangentially-related discussion to keep scraping the scab off to keep the wound
perpetually at the top of the victim’s mind.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Perpetrator’s mind.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Hang on… this is one of the things I
find to be problematic about the application of additional punishment: the
scale.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Punishment can very rapidly go from
‘harming the perpetrator just enough to match the offense’ to ‘harming the
perpetrator so much more than makes sense that the perpetrator is now the
victim.’ It is a delicate balance that requires understanding of just how bad
the perpetrator already feels, so the additional harm inflicted doesn’t tip the
overall experience of the perpetrator into the victim category.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">But, wait… if the perpetrator already
feels bad, what is the purpose of additional punishment?</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I honestly have absolutely no
idea.</span>Linda Clementhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04758620284199509794noreply@blogger.com0