Friday 21 October 2016

Adult View, Child Mind

or why what we think has no bearing on how children understand

https://www.flickr.com/photos/128539140@N03/15670859880/in/photolist-pSMfFj-mKvdtV-8Pe6pv-5MeFzJ-6r4Dv7-rD5YYm-GXoRky-cHVR3m“She hates breastfeeding.”
“He is fighting sleep.”
“They are testing me today.”
“Kids have to test the limits.”
“Teens have to rebel.”

Nope, nope, nope, nope. No to all.

A form of childism that pervades our culture is seen in the way adults talk about children's perceptions of the world –their aims, their understanding and their experiences.
Kids don't 'test boundaries' they struggle mightily to make any kind of sense out of the world, from gravity to unspoken social rules (like why we compliment people on weight loss but never mention gain, which is kind of related to gravity) and part of that is pure science experiment: what happens when I ...?

What happens when I pour the water on the floor? 
What happens when I pour it on the couch? 
The cat? When the sun is up? 
When the lights are on? 
When it's from a sippy cup? 
When it's from a bottle? 
When it's from a bowl?

Adults, looking at this typical exploration of the world will often say 'she's testing the boundaries' or 'she's testing her parents.' 

She isn't. 

She's trying to figure out why this cup-shaped stuff changes shape as it moves, why it makes some things lighter and some things darker and why it has not so far ever gone up the other way. If sometimes there is a lot of clapping and cheering and sometimes there is anger and shouting or punishment, she'll have to spend a lot of time experimenting to figure out how to fit that into her understanding of the world, too.

Years ago, John Bradshaw (Family Systems theory) told a story of how little Farquar would be happily jumping into a pile of cushions mum made for him in the living room, to cheering and laughter, who later spots a pile of cushions in the furniture store and can't for the life of him work out why he's being shouted at and dragged by the arm from the store... 'it looked like a pile of cushions to me...???'

We tend to personify our worlds, generally: people cut us off in traffic, they aren't distracted and hurried; the weather is for or against our plans, depending on if it rains on our parade; if we were to say that to someone only in anger, that can be the only possible reason anyone else said it to us, ever... et cetera.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/whereisat/370436981/in/photolist-yJA1v-7mYpFk-aLebU-ab6L9j-eCjg7S-4ZG6bA-qUaxLK-eFPtQ7-pCYRsM-rsefH-6kWb4-kHhkHH-6DjoYp-4WczxT-3hvvRG-4Q2ab8-7f152g-4phbK2-6PoEvX-5fzZ5b-6eUV23-mtwLq-9x6kUo-Ld1Ys-eey9CA-iNTvU-7RhJ9M-6sSwkj-mMGusA-74xbPy-eFPTR9-7KmaXo-eFRGfb-4x2VzV-pXjnsU-8K1pKQ-6kAdNB-eFPHPh-5RRPxs-7SzKb4-6T93aK-4Qt7vT-6kEdMs-qVpzJP-5koSRw-kqbeP-4AREhb-6gR6m9-b1tXW6-99GNFq
A brief aside: the Fundamental Attribution Error is a common thought mistake whereby we excuse our own errors (we didn't 'cut off that driver' because they were going faster than we thought or we're just in a hurry which makes it fine or understandable or otherwise completely excusable) yet we attribute character flaws and/or malice to others who do exactly the same things (they are Bad Drivers, they are Selfish, Thoughtless, Idiots, Worthless, Reprobates.)
Becoming aware of this common thought error can help us enormously in life, not the least in preventing our own stress-caused heart attacks. Anyhow... back to the point...

When we are looking at our children's behaviour and attitudes, expressions and postures, it's important to remember a number of vital things before we react in anger or frustration:
  1. Is this a Fundamental Attribution Error?
  2. Is it possible to explain this behaviour in a neutral or positive way?
  3. Am I attributing adult brain capacities to a child's brain?
  4. Am I taking personally something which genuinely has nothing at all to do with me?
A friend's son once rollerbladed up the aisle at church. In his defense, he was a young teen and incapable of complex thought processes like abstractions (How will this reflect on my mother's parenting? What kinds of unspoken rules might this violate? How will the parish see this? What deeper meaning might there be to aisles in churches vis a vis casual sporting equipment?) and it was choir practice, not sermon. In her defense, she'd not encountered a lot of information about brain development and the differences between adults' and children's brains at that point. To this day, she tells the story wishing that she was anyone but his mother, so she could have laughed because it was hilarious. Instead, she felt constrained by her role as Mother to perform 'stern' and 'censorious' as she believed she was expected (peer pressure doesn't go magically away as we leave our teens...)
https://www.flickr.com/photos/ladyozma/5759617308/in/photolist-9ToLG9-9Tm2UM-4tiieb-9LXxwQ-9ToPRU-bsBZKk-9Tm25K-nGS119-8A3Fpa-8A3rFT-nJHHg7-9ToQaw-9Tm2gt-8A6yWh-9ToPGy-9Tm38K-9TkZgx-9ToSVW-ov5Pgh-8A6Mtw-5YBa88-8A3QAe-9ToQfq-9ToQQw-4LPnPw-9LXxyG-v3eUHG-8A6XJb-a9jQ6F-9ToQKL-9LXxwu-xZZ9Wm-yhyjRg-xZZAef-xZYGD1-ygzidC-xZYQA3-yiibiV-ygFBjA-wEgjDh-v5yjAn-uMYfCS-jzduyF-iH98pX-fbdAAS-faYm88-f9Pr9E-f9Pr11-djLtt9-4XHoS9/


Surely you can see where I'm going with this...

It's hard to remember a time in our lives when we didn't have those brain structures that make thinking this way possible, because all of our memories are coloured by the rememberings using each new structure as it developed... so we are telling stories of ourselves as younger through the thoughts of our brains imagining those events while we are older.

It is easy and unchallenging to us to take things personally and make the other person wrong rather than struggling to see their point of view. It is so clearly so vastly different from our own pov, particularly when we're used to our adult brains and the idea that everyone else on the planet has the same adult-brain capacity we do.

Our children have a deep need to stay connected to us, to keep us on their side, and absolutely no interest in infuriating us. Attributing desires in them that disconnect or distance them from us and our approval is wildly inappropriate.

It is grossly unfair to punish someone for rules they don't know exist, particularly when we have great difficulty ourselves trying to articulate the specifics of these rules and how they vary from time to time and place to place.

Monday 28 March 2016

Magic Calories


https://www.flickr.com/photos/54397539@N06/5034491496/in/photolist-8ET5Vw-a7yV8W-8hBMF4-YkB1j-76mEo-fUkpvS-bYE5Po-nHCqpA-zo7XSj-7DUbMU-ev15GA-8ET5Mo-7sVmF3-4xeTd2-8r4vkg-6rkgwE-5Epkaw-nLWPs-8EPUba-jYo6tq-8ET5NU-8ETwq9-8ETwnY-4dN2cr-8EPUje-jXGot-4QTuez-ytxtec-skrqEb-nTtjc9-i1tFo-539yXz-31qTw-5jAFK8-z8W1Sg-9E6EC6-8kcvFU-c58iU-8gDXDp-2PxZHe-4Teqj-i1tKF-citv9u-sss5XS-rzzkpo-ndkVLA-4ri3tN-e9p4Vg-ofyFWL-g4YjUX
Ice Cream Cones by gordonramsaysubmissions

What reprehensible property does ice cream have before dinner that it doesn’t have after dinner?
What is this strange ‘ruin your appetite’ thing of which the Grundys of the world speak?
Earlier today, I wrote this in a Facebook discussion:
'What magical property of the calories and nutrients in ice cream at 5:20pm is different from the calories and nutrients in ice cream at 6:45pm?'
Why is popcorn okay at 8:10pm but not 7:45am?
If it's okay to displace x number of calories with nutrition-free (or high calorie, low nutrition density) food, what possible difference can it make to anyone, anywhere, if it is before or after dinner? Or noon? Or the 4th time the earth has rotated around the sun since the cancellation of Firefly?

Does anyone have the answer?

Monday 18 January 2016

Basic Triage: deal with the victim's injuries first

More on anti-punishment in a pro-punish world...

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-b37YAk0v8lkd66MIYPGWtdxpYIc1U5OXY_nKcgmIxRmQ4fqz9u9b0sK8JGDzJHgqbiUM6wDd42gqyjMiJf0TyFyOTamdpdL0rh1D_qQhUdnLm4YYGsozcfXkarufM9x6V9LwWewrIb4/s320/5111538516_5586374347_o.jpg
We live in a punishment-happy world, where people's response to everything from one child grabbing a toy from another to serial rapists is some kind of revenge fantasy. Hit them back, abuse them back, get them back: tit for tat, at its finest.

This is not functional.

It is dysfunctional, but probably not how you think it is...

Basic triage of, say, a car accident with multiple injuries does not start with finding out who to blame and running them over with a bigger vehicle to 'teach' them that they made a mistake. First aid is given in order of the seriousness of the injury, not in order of who is the least to blame.
When this protocol is followed for other mistakes and injuries, a kind of miracle occurs... the perpetrator (whoever is to blame) can see clearly the result of their error without being distracted from what happened to defend themselves against an attack from an authority figure. Or, as a reader put it, in response to my last post:

YES. And adding extra to the natural reaction following a mistake means that the natural reaction is metaphorically (or literally) shouted over and the additional extra becomes the focus of the child's attention. Thereby muffling the natural learning reaction.

One instance where this was really clear to me was when our elder daughter locked the keys in the car, just as we were about to leave my grandparents' house to come home from a camping trip. She came into their house, her face white in horror, and cried as she blurted out what had happened. Her dad started shouting at her and I stopped him: 'she already clearly feels terrible, what are you shouting for? It won't get the keys out of the car...'

https://www.flickr.com/photos/59937401@N07/5857485174/in/photolist-9VB9gG-9VBaGL-9VymAV-9BqyUg-dHu8m4-aJptFP-9VykZK-644Ln2-9Vyij6-47sNkL-38FxBN-55UA1h-9VB7jC-o8HpiP-d1p5wS-34qSfQ-4HMHFB-98Gm-6h2g8K-dHugwT-cLrdhw-cLraCd-cLr6jS-cLr8WE-9Vynke-6s8b-cLrbML-cLr7WY-cLrdSb-cLrcDh-yXQ2GS-yHwoeC-y4fF5V-z18o8V-z1WnA4-yHC1rM-yHwoCd-yHwnN7-ESciu-yzhNz-69R6nh-69LT2T-69LTwz-9LB4ov-nMUJQg-cLrB29-cLry9S-cLru9w-cLrztd-55QoRe
Punishment doesn't solve problems. Punishment doesn't 'teach' people to notice the results of their behaviour, or even to feel bad about what they did. Punishment shows people that the authority is not on their side, and will gleefully add to how bad they already feel about themselves and their actions.

Punishment teaches people to evade blame and to argue against the authority's assertion that their action was intentional or malicious, in order to avoid feeling worse than they already do about the mistake. Punishment takes people's minds off the results and focuses their attention on protecting themselves from an attack...

... exactly the opposite of 'teaching' them to take responsibility for their actions.

Focusing on the victim first, treating the injury and helping restore their sense of safety, gives the perpetrator an unobstructed view of the results of their action and space to think for themselves about what they really wanted to achieve. It helps them save face while also giving them time to take calm down and take in new information... the conditions necessary to learn anything.


Friday 15 January 2016

Anti-Punishment in a Pro-Punish World

https://www.flickr.com/photos/archer10/2833064226/in/photolist-5jmchW-z9aRYC-6wRA6L-83R13E-oNCdUi-b7ntgR-z9Crf-cRcQ7-89xEzT-bXStgm-7f3Ws4-xTv99Y-gqK3L-dBJKyj-bjUgXk-6U6bsH-5cmzC4-5Qxjui-3vnVkg-niVZyo-4nKtL-8wLS8k-o5K6s3-jUnzGB-kYzdc4-5ngh3w-qYgFei-qu8kZE-8tEC9b-5TBRMe-z9Crj-xTDvP4-oNoVgU-DQoDX-DrM1J-iR5VZb-zwmfuy-zh35gb-s1sFsx-m1eTS-7jARG6-6eC8zA-ALdq73-yBLXWZ-kYzPvF-nzDBsJ-boXoyw-zzmxYd-6mqarG-7Wp9iWThe long-tail from childrearing in a punishment-happy world is adults who believe that whenever they make a mistake, damage anything or get anything wrong, they must be punished: made to feel bad about what they’ve done.

Again.

Yes, that’s what I said: again.

You see, the natural result of doing something wrong, making a mistake, hurting others, doing damage or creating unnecessary costs is to feel bad. Even really little kids get upset when the item breaks, or the baby cries, the dog runs away. I am convinced that this is not something that needs to be ‘taught.’ The natural result of making mistakes or doing damage is self-recrimination, shame, guilt and a loss of self-esteem, and to know that one is capable of harming others (and stuff.)

https://www.flickr.com/photos/tjook/5111538516/in/photolist-8MFYjq-rK1EpY-r5zDKo-s2w9fz-twto4-68tu98-rJpkd8-5qis6R-72CFsk-aYWkoB-5KkNKg-8ErdD6-pztT5R-a6gZbw-Au3cM7-pigscb-5TCeF2-qAq5Gv-pxEuhw-pxEfc7-7PzYFL-dfdMda-pxHYaj-q2PAe6-nbskhx-5otM4s-iojZ2W-fxUSP1-pih24o-4Tq9tJ-4TkW7a-4Tq9sJ-4Tq9sb-aymetB-6avCpj-aqJTk-v4uZJM-yeS2CC-DuUMZ-4pJb7k-eR9RA3-6fDhLE-oWyYTz-m73iZv-6Xwk7Z-9PvcMW-eiN8jg-e9eYC2-s6msCj-nqhfGkYet it is an article of faith among the pro-punishment that in order for people to ‘learn’ they must have some kind of personal harm applied: public censure, fines, thrashings, withdrawal of affection, restriction of privileges, dragging it up in every tangentially-related discussion to keep scraping the scab off to keep the wound perpetually at the top of the victim’s mind.

Perpetrator’s mind.

Hang on… this is one of the things I find to be problematic about the application of additional punishment: the scale.

Punishment can very rapidly go from ‘harming the perpetrator just enough to match the offense’ to ‘harming the perpetrator so much more than makes sense that the perpetrator is now the victim.’ It is a delicate balance that requires understanding of just how bad the perpetrator already feels, so the additional harm inflicted doesn’t tip the overall experience of the perpetrator into the victim category.

But, wait… if the perpetrator already feels bad, what is the purpose of additional punishment?


I honestly have absolutely no idea.

Monday 5 October 2015

Parenting is Hard, resisting makes it harder

4213466221_8c57f2309e_oThe child is standing screaming hateful words, throwing things, biting, scratching, kicking, hitting… totally gone ‘feral,’ as a friend calls it.

Everyone who has ever seen one will recognize this as an extreme temper tantrum, and just what they look like in a child older than about 3 (and adults.)

There are a lot of theories about how to handle a child whose brain has gone offline, and who is now fully out of control of all higher level brain functions. My personal favourite means is ‘don’t get there in the first place,’ but sometimes shit happens.

When it happens, it is popular to try to ‘stop it’ by doing common things.

Like the withdrawal of support and affection (sending to rooms, etc.) until the emotional expressions are all happy. Yay drugs! Choose uppers.

Like yelling. Yes, because yelling is going to calm anyone’s brain down.

Spanking has its advocates, because that won’t further overload anyone’s sensory input channels. It may push their brain into a traumatized fugue state, which probably looks like ‘it worked’ to some people who don’t know what that brain state means…

Counter-intuitively, what actually works is describing what is going on, in words.

You are really frustrated because that didn’t go your way.

How infuriating! You just want it to not have broken.

It is really important to you to get the red cup!

2698598542_4c36e163ed_oIt feels like this method will ‘give permission’ for horrible behaviour. Kids don’t think that way, so that can be dismissed without really being addressed.

It also feels like this will amplify the feelings instead of eradicate them (the goal of the three options most often recommended by ‘experts,’ as listed above) It won’t, and I can tell you why:

When you have room in your world for the expression and understanding of emotions, they don’t hang around. Emotions are like hunger: feel and understand the message of the emotion and it dissipates, just as hunger dissipates with feeding.

So, instead of leaning away from emotions hoping they’ll just go away (or trying to shout them away, ‘cause really: how can that work?) stop resisting.

The emotion is the whole reality for this child right now, with absolutely no room for the child’s tiny body to hold anything else: learning, ‘getting it,’ the message behind punishment, ‘thinking about it,’ or ‘their attention’ to be on anything but this huge emotional reality.

Yes, even if it is something ‘silly’ like the colour of the cup.

It’s not about the colour of the cup, it’s about the feelings provoked by not getting the colour right, by not being able to decide which colour is right or not being allowed or able to pick the right colour, by frustration, disappointment, rage, grief, sadness, fury, and even by simply being totally overwhelmed by having to make a decision that doesn’t matter –again—about an issue that doesn’t matter but that stops the flow of everything until it’s decided.

It’s not about the cup, it’s about the feelings.

14106865261_d59e9f271c_o

Friday 24 April 2015

What I “Allow” My Child to Say to an Adult

 

3775284087_08cc0f2d0d_oFuck off, Fuck you, Fuck me, Fuck it.

A recently circulating blog post 'Six things my kids are not allowed to say to adults,' lists all the reasons why some intensely prim mother will not allow her children to say atrocious things like 'no' and 'yeah' and 'just a minute' and 'I don't want to.'

There is even a great rebuttal, called 'Six things my kids are allowed to say to adults', which explains why every single one of those words and phrases is completely fine.

And here is my initial response to both: no mention of 'fuck' at all?

Seriously?

2332181561_a457f41213_oSo, I suggest to the author of the original: not allowed to say 'no' but 'fuck off' is totally fine? Or beyond your ability to imagine any child actually saying? Or perhaps you are completely deaf in that sound range?

Because dad's a sailor, and mom's a pragmatist, both our children explored the wacky and wonderful world of obscenities off and on throughout their childhoods. I'm not sure they had any nuns to shock, but I can tell you absolutely: kids whose parents have potty mouths don't swear as teens. At least not to their parents...

Whenever parents are suggesting they are in total control of their children's mouths, and have every right and responsibility to control what their children think and say, I think of two words:

humour and mercy

Humour, because really: get a grip, it's not that big a deal.

Some words (which mean the same things as other completely acceptable-for-company words) raise eyebrows because ... why? Because, frankly, when the court languages were Latin and French, the Anglo-Saxon words for excrement and fornication were 'coarse and common.' Ooh, our poor delicate ears can only hear Latin and French words for excrement, female body parts or sexual intercourse without causing fainting.

Right.

That is totally related to modern English in the Western world. Of course. That makes... absolutely no sense at all.

Fine. Let's go with that then.

And why not?

3072394014_454338f2fb_oIn an unrelated note, I can't tell you how disappointed and disgusted I was with modern English when I discovered that there has not been a new swear coined since the 1600s. Appalling lack of creativity here, people!

And, mercy, because: oh for crying out loud, they're children.

Children are (this is not allowed to be a surprise to anyone) immature. Their communication style is, concomitant to their immaturity, also (this is not allowed to be a surprise, either) immature.

Yes, really.

Surely, some mature and reasonably intelligent adult has it within their ability to understand the limitations of childhood and crank back the expectations for perfect, enlightened and mature communication skills at least until the child has most of the adult parts of their brain grown in... say, 16 or 18 years of age.

Maybe instead of attempting to control a child's mouth and all that comes out of it, the prissy mommy-blogger could try being the bigger person, grasping the immaturity of her children's verbal expressions, and understand them from a more forgiving mindset, like 'I know you're tired and hungry sweetie, and I know you don't want to clean up the toys you were playing with at Auntie Jeannie's. I wish we had a robot to do all the tidying, and a teleporter and be at our favourite buffet right now! I'm sorry, it's my fault we stayed past when we are tired and haven't had enough to eat yet.'

449123752_3ac94e3086_oThe child made a sound intended to communicate a message that was important to the child. If mommy 'gets it' why pretend she doesn't? Why be appalled at the immaturity of the method, when she could be instructive, supportive, helpful, kind, informative or, frankly, respond to the fucking need the child has expressed and grow up about expecting wise, mature and pristine communication from tiny, inexperienced people?

Why does mom get to be a big baby about how people say things to her, but expect the kids to be mature adults in all of their communication?

Saturday 7 March 2015

How I Feel, What They’re Saying

 

4882503986_81c16c40f4_o

Chatting with a friend today, I mentioned some of Don C. Dinkmeyer’s work, from Systematic Training for Effective Parenting, thus:

One of the tools I've found helpful is 'parent reaction'...to discover the probable underlying need expressed through [a child’s] intense behaviour.

When you are irritated or annoyed, it's probably attention the child is seeking... When you're angry or want revenge, it's probably power. When you give up and feel despondent, it's a mirror of the child having given up on ever feeling successful.

Or, as she rephrased it:

when your child does x, and you feel __________, the child needs __________.

I like it when people sort out my thoughts more clearly than I can.

What I like about this tool is that it stops asking the child the horrible question ‘why?’ Kids don’t have a clue what they’re not successfully getting that they need, whether it be attention or power or a feeling of capability.

The other thing I like about this tool is its inherent respect for the sanity and needs of the child. A misbehaving child is not insane, bad or wrong … but struggling to meet needs and attempting creative means to accomplish their valid goals.

It is valid to need attention, power and a sense of being capable. The naturally immature methods use in their bids to get what they sense they need are information and communication –not misbehaviour.