Showing posts with label lying to children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lying to children. Show all posts

Tuesday 8 February 2011

2.1 Choices --Thinking About Parenting Styles

It is with glee that I notice, once again, that I'm way over the edge over here on the coast... I wouldn't do (or recommend) doing any of the three choices given by beagreatparent.ca, as quoted in an article from St. Catharine's The Standard... click on that link if you want to read the full article, but this is the segment I'm commenting on today:
Your toddler and her friend are fighting over a doll.
When the friend pulls it away from her, your daughter punches the girl and grabs it back.
Do you:
Take the doll away and explain to the girls that they can have it back when they can share and play nicely together?
Do nothing. After all, it is your daughter's doll. Her friend can find something else to play with; kids need to sort out their own problems.
Take the doll away and tell your daughter that you're selling it in a garage sale. She can start saving her allowance if she wants it back.*
The first is 'strict' parenting, the second is 'permissive' and the third is labeled (mis-labeled, in my opinion) 'balanced.' What the third option really is, though, is just as controlling and authoritarian as the first. Different, but the same end of the spectrum. 2.1 options, not three.
 
When a child is struggling for ownership over her object --with anyone-- it just can't be a parent's job to take possession of the object. Unless what the parent really means is 'none of your stuff is actually yours.' It doesn't matter if the object is removed forever or if it can be purchased back from the thief: 

It is either the child's possession or it is not.
 
Think about this in the context of the society we actually live in: you and your neighbour have a dispute over half of a driveway that is owned by one party. Does the court step in, take it away and rent out the space to just anyone until the actual owner buys it back, with a threat to sell it if they don't pony up fast enough? 

Why are we teaching children that anyone who considers themselves an authority gets to 'own' their objects until they're satisfied that atonement has been made sufficient to the infraction?

Three things:
  1. Children do not learn to share in an environment where they own or control nothing. All the energy they might have to share something with genuine generosity is spent in fighting for, confirming and protecting their ownership.
  2. We do not live in a 'sharing' culture --it's a fun idea, but no one is allowed to come to your house and use whatever they want for however they want whenever they are there. Here is an example: I'm sending a friend over later to get your car... you can have it back when she's done with it, in whatever condition she happens to leave it. This is, of course, fine because you were taught to share, right? Is it different because it's a 5 year old, or is it only because their stuff is not valuable to anyone but them?
  3. There is a sliding scale of extremely strict to a more balanced style of authoritarian parenting. The key is whether or not someone other than the child is seeking to control what the child does, what the child thinks or what is important to the child... the question to ask is 'what if the child still doesn't do what the parent wants?' The answer to that clears up any doubt that this is about command and control, carrot and stick parenting, whether it uses the rapport-building manipulative communication styles or straight-up ordering kids around.
There is no real 'third option' in this article... just one point on the permissive end and two points on the strict/authoritarian end and one at the other end.

Which is unfortunate, because there is a third option.
__________________________
*Toddler, seriously? We're going to make a toddler 'save their allowance and buy it back'? A toddler?!
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Photo used with permission (Creative Commons license, attributed) Sharing by PlatinumBlondeLIfe

Tuesday 27 July 2010

No, Actually, I Do Not Want Your Kid to be Quieter in the Restaurant --you do

https://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/4337926995/in/photolist-7Bk1yK-iEdM43-iEdNPC-9MkNEU-hMPJX7-2mFVFc-oD6SwH-gf5YP2-eY8YoT-8Aug7U-6BAVLG-fAZp6L-86kcpL-7xo2mo-7G6gyt-86kbbo-86kdAy-nHiYAm-bkHS5e-s1Ud5-64PRoY-bkHFZM-jg2eR-bkHQ9n-5rqcya-86kcYQ-86h1MZ-bkHL8i-bkJ1WX-bkHTX2-bkHXLn-4hzva8-bkHZnH-bkHzhM-bkHVXx-bkHN4i-bkHJ8k-7ksQrM-9k9oHb-wLmYg-6cu2Jb-DTG4Db-P5R1x6-ECBHqp-bgZyw4-8Kf59T-bkHAXk-8sHArh-6wSicz-65GtvP

I find restaurant dining one simple joy in life, offering opportunities for everyone at the table to follow their own whims about what to eat without imposing themselves on anyone else. 

I like the vibrant noise of restaurants, the mix if smells, the comings and goings and different timings. 

Knowing about the frenzy behind the scenes and the fact that I don't have to do the dishes just adds a layer of enjoyment to the outing. I like food, and I like variety, and I like trying new things.

What I do not like is parents with their children.
used with permission (Creative Commons, Attributed, Non-Derivative)


Let me be clear: children, I can deal with. Even the random and chaotic noises children make, I have no problem with.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/prayitnophotography/23808933870/in/photolist-CgV1xQ-dRvxKB-r7zVFh-gdz7BT-CFK99x-Cz9itS-q1AUHz-e2B3oV-qGKwAz-eci46X-pqajZ7-pq8ojK-pEteoU-pq5gqH-pqajRS-pqajY5-oKHdFE-4z49Hn-pGD3Hj-pEteod-pGk3T4-oKLbV8-UgLWpJ-PGW3G4-VcysD7-4VTeF4-CadLi7-hxXe1Z-rSqzxK-e2GG4w-eyZggr-UTBp7U-b5MMit-f9Eojc-fD8Sq2-o9GVUs-e2B3nT-fDqsrW-e9go1x-p71yxM-e9n6ZL-W7uTuf-hxWge9-e2GG23-fD8Top-fD8Tuk-e9n4WC-bUPKis-e9n6W5-fDqsh9/



 I haven't eaten in a hushed restaurant in probably 25 years, so child noises fit in with the noise of forks, breaking glasses, moving plates, the music that many eateries feel is a necessary part of the ambiance, and people talking and laughing over the noise.




I find it mildly annoying to listen to parents trying to hush the natural and inevitable noise children make in an environment that they're barely making a contribution to, much less standing out in. I lose my tolerance when parents lie to the child.


Stop Lying to Your Child, and Stop Blaming Me


If you want your kids to be quieter, just tell them to be quieter. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/jmettraux/3978796059/in/photolist-74Ans4-bH53Hk-8cKPVi-qALnhk-c5BvkL-bm6mU4-dtDRfo-VEpqh1-94XsuP-ayVm5V-c5BvfW-cNpSHQ-9zqYWE-dKSPUv-bo4v8n-difXpd-7P162i-7P5y4E-4MENJK-JxyHhq-qyum5f-nKj2ju-bo4Djx-fpx472-7N6Xjx-aeXdVe-bYDeDu-auJHLR-HWkFKw-7P5qFq-bo4qUp-88GMTb-c5BE5G-7P1e5x-nUtEet-4GUft7-kMAQc6-2141j13-bwm7tm-RqoiAV-bbYy7T-fth1ZJ-RwrzYU-bKgisx-bKfRW4-SKGfGH-4rczpR-SW6CsX-SCCKrc-RJidXW


If you need to get other people's opinions involved in the request to be quieter, own it yourself. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/34517490@N00/20870679835/in/photolist-xNgFZv-9gcpjA-dieQmw-UmmP9X-5LKrmc-9hnXjt-VLvNGz-dcs2Mq-6VUcPP-6vXQ6j-r3rnoP-q1ZaR9-3XFFNw-6W3xH9-o2Xwtd-adQ6vi-4avhbV-p2zu5h-nY32mn-8JY6FY-ojg1o5-dHjKCh-35QW4J-hUWcdZ-4Q87iH-cWwJ3f-6N9pTY-ohqzvd-9hnXiP-fTrtZc-PRdKQ-8PXbKX-r3rohx-XSC9V3-9hr66b-6Ag1q7-9hr66J-b5fWFk-9ho1be-boo6BP-boo5Ui-pGpfNF-dkYDND-ojsftZ-9hnXmi-5Xck8X-etaWec-6hBv9k-ojqgbb-2M8VcDo not tell them that I want them to be quieter unless I have already confirmed that story, because I probably don't. 


In fact, out of all of you at your table, I want you to be quieter --I don't want to listen to you using me to pressure your kid to behave the way you (not I) want your kid to behave. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasongraham99/9125887376/in/photolist-eUqynN-anYSrL-cziJCm-22YNFF-7B1VeD-FegG8-5NfGyK-9ndv75-86nzn8-8XaPgF-8SyGwv-6jJSsd-SZCsB-dT1iUn-vXB6MR-b9XDgH-duKjqj-4J5kHX-2Ey8Ck-75QvZu-3iTJ9-9wjdu6-pGHAfF-9PJ4Q5-7GLJZr-72TyzV-5Vo9QH-89oevv-ecR1D-4Sy6C4-iJypM-9SyC11-ecR6H-8tPiUM-9wjdB4-9gxdKp-9rGpdT-nGNEac-4dK2yv-5heQYT-5nwjjY-ecRiS-4SDeey-rzhYZu-f6PRBJ-Xzxwmd-9M2Cjs-4pNVpo-PPvDG-dUbL6v

I certainly do not want to listen to you make noises that sound like an air compressor. Of all the noises in the world that are louder than the ambient sound in any large, people-filled space, shushing is nearly as disturbing as gunshots.