Showing posts with label self-esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-esteem. Show all posts

Friday 26 April 2013

Addiction and Choice

8333713835_5dd897b7ba_z

 

Recommended reading: Addiction, a disorder of choice, by Gene M. Heyman

When we subject children to anti-drug propaganda* we may be taking for granted a few propositions that have not been established outside the ‘my pappy tol’ me so’ and ‘some dude in a pub said’ frames.

As Heyman’s thesis valiantly proves, addiction is absolutely a voluntary choice and is absolutely not a disease.

I’ll summarize the argument for the second claim first, because it’s so universally accepted today. If alcoholism, smoking, heavy drug use and oxycodone abuse were diseases, it would not be possible to ‘quit.’ Not with a change of attitude, not with rehab and not with meetings –all of which can and do end addiction in real life. More than 80% of heavy, chronic drug users quit on their own, by choice, most of them before they’re 30 (they also typically start at 18.) If the disease model made sense, then MS and diabetes could be ‘quit’ with the help of rehab or meetings, which is a ridiculous suggestion.

On to the voluntary choice aspect. Because a lot of the research on the subject tends to be done by economists, rather than mothers of 14-year-old boys, they often take it as read that people do not voluntarily choose self-destructive options. Anyone who has ever seen Jackass or its many imitators can snort at that idea. Clearly, people do, rather more often than most parents are comfortable, make choices that are not in the best interest of anyone, including themselves.

What’s going on?

It turns out that one other things economists get wrong is the frame in which the decisions are being made. Economists look at ‘market baskets’ –like a collection of possible spending choices for someone’s discretionary income, and see that overall people tend to make reasonably sensible choices: the ‘best interest’ model. Yet people have rationally pointed out that there are a great many people who are bankrupt –or being evicted for non-payment of rent, with big screen tvs and smartphones—that rather argues against the theory. The frame economists use, in Heyman’s terminology, is a global framework for decision making, and it does tend away from self-destructive and toward best interest. In drug use, this means that when someone frames the ‘will I use cocaine now?’ question in terms of ‘is this the best use of the next $150 and 4 hours of my time, considering my life goals?’ the answer is very, very different from a ‘local’ viewpoint.

The local view is ‘will I suffer through the craving now?’ In short-term decision-making, people will very often make self-destructive and even openly suicidal choices. In my post about lacking resources (Anti-Resourceful), I described one such devastating decision from my hometown. It is not irrational, from a ‘this moment’s pleasure’ standpoint, to use drugs instead of living through withdrawal.

So, to drug education

What do we tell the children, and what ‘works’ for avoiding hard core drug addiction?

As much as we don’t really believe it will work (hence the propaganda*) the answer is: The Truth.

The truth includes the fact that drugs use money, energy, resources and time in a way that does not get anyone closer to their personal goals in life. It’s uncommon knowledge, but you only get to spend this dollar, this bit of energy and this minute once.

The truth includes the fact that most people who experiment with drugs have their own very good reasons for not becoming habitual users, and it’s probably worth forty minutes of your life to figure out what yours are.

The truth includes the fact that there are many potentially-devastating side effects from most potent drugs, and in spite of the fact that the odds of ending up with any or all of them are really pretty small, without the drug use the odds are much nearer to zero.

The truth includes the fact that drug use has some real attractions that are genuinely hard to beat with anything else in the world, but none of those eradicate any of the other truths, including the fact that quitting is filled with suffering, often for a good long time.

The truth includes the fact that the majority of successful people look down on both the effects and the users of mood-altering substances particularly when the use can no longer be easily contained to non-productive hours, or when the urge to use spills out into criminal and anti-social behaviour. All people need the respect and goodwill of their friends and neighbours and while you’ll certainly be popular with your dealer/supplier and your buddy users, you will also certainly be restricting your social circle dramatically.

Do we have to get into dire threats and fictional statistics? I don’t think so. In fact, it would be ever so much better if we didn’t.

___

* Propaganda defined: amplified, simplified and vilified info-tainment designed to coerce underlings into believing whatever overlings have determined to be ‘best’ for them, regardless of any accuracy of statements…

Sunday 19 September 2010

Do All Stay-at-home Parents Have to be Stupid?


Years ago, I ran across an article in the now-defunct Home Education Magazine. The short version, in case you don't feel like finding a back issue and reading the whole thing: 
Amy Hollingsworth ruminates on what is 'missing' from a stay-at-home-mom's life, mainly work that will not be undone tomorrow... laundry that's just going to get dirty, meals that are eaten, children who will need a bath again, and her perspective of how to find a tangibly rewarding aspect to motherhood and housewifehood.
This is a perspective that has long bothered me. She says, at one point:
"Not like the tangible sense of accomplishment you might get after finishing a report or closing a deal or saying something really smart in a board meeting."

Uh... saying something really smart in a board meeting is tangible?

https://www.flickr.com/photos/buba69/2383197884/in/photolist-4CAvGG-gHgepW-kJ661H-8WJsE6-981H3N-9tyG9-eXaSsT-6ZhcKK-coitAE-coiuKW-51xjZf-9ju5eX-bDRPuS-k35D5-2xxq76-6H5RxA-z6VsX-jCKybG-64PRcV-gHfUWm-7HQim5-5WtzVD-GZbdUh-66Qjbu-c9BzhN-8Nvnmc-eDffw-kB87G5-5GCjP-89d3S8-a6jRDT-8vj2ux-7G4ZBL-coiv7S-jB4PVq-coiuhY-coitGG-mDAWbv-34vwH-4qUs8F-coiuDf-eXmnDY-e9Hom9-eXmk43-8Gyd4-eXmpMS-64U9b5-eyGk4d-coiuvY-64PRhx


I worked for years before having children, and I have to say that closing a deal might be momentarily satisfying, but in a moment there are other open deals that need to be closed, and others still that are unopened... that never ends, anywhere. 



https://www.flickr.com/photos/philandpam/1392381039/in/photolist-383jnD-8rTXWz-dbwSrf-rZQzf-nEw2JC-y4PAx-noeuor-bQWn5n-dgphz9-nEH7Lw-nGvzvK-nErcTe-dbLEbg-4nzUZf-6MxrQZ-noeurn-7kBtEU-bC2GQj-noeTNR-nEH7M3-bC2H8U-bQWnMr-dbwQEg-rtgxTQ-dgrZi7-dgreDw-pRqzze-dgpoaC-dgrCVX-bQWnfr-dgrXLm-dgqCus-dgsq5t-dgqfUt-dgrgWW-dbLG47-cB57nJ-dgpYA4-dcY8M4-bQWoia-dgp6Fv-cB52Lu-dgqYFZ-cB58od-dgq2UW-dgpxcy-cB55xo-dbLF54-daj25b-dbwMSaThere are few jobs where people finish the work and never have to repeat it, or something quite a lot like it, tomorrow. The report might be all crisp and bound, but it's not the last report. It will be revised, there will be editorial changes, it will need to be added to or there will be a different one to do. 

No one, in any job, walks home at the end of Friday and says 'there, that's done once and for all' with nothing to do on Monday. Even one big win doesn't stop the workflow, getting a huge project completely finished is satisfying, but it only completely clears the desk of someone whose job ends simultaneously.

The tangible rewards of motherhood and housewifehood are akin to the kind in the work world: I can enjoy the fresh air scent of the line-dried sheets when I replace them on my bed, and when I stick my nose into the linen closet, and I know I've accomplished something that is as lasting as the employee review, or serving the last table of the night. 
https://www.flickr.com/photos/gauthierdelecroix/28315581074/in/photolist-8urFji-2V2uSq-62Yv2h-4sAg9b-bmWjJf-7YHejC-89P9ym-advXq-NndAdC-xQUndB-y7FRPb-LzYa4p-bmGF9C-8txVr6-moXCnk-bXVEDE-7YHeqs-2W5tcT-5CsrdR-372Ur5-5wmrEb-6XJwCr-aKNdXB-KD5wYT-KD5wjB-89P9Tq-KCTNQq-LqpmUq-KD5vRn-KD5xSX-LqpjMQ-LzYb2X-Lqpmnd-KD5xE2-LqpkWo-LzYboP-LzYc2H-Lqpm9s-KCTLCj-K99KKG

If I don't believe the clean linens have value, or I don't value my effort (however much was done by technology), the accomplishment will not feel like one. But the same can be said of an employee review that is ticked boxes and requires the use of phrases written by others, or not being the one who made the food being served.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/nomilknocry/7028385413/in/photolist-bH5j7R-Curwec-oUfH18-6bJ1hn-fY7i8F-BLy3PN-ayW6gt-6RZAiZ-6HtW46-VUa8hV-a7J33W-dZzYyv-bwUysp-bA5th9-9EjZx4-4Re5xN-6ix7Dz-ctj8R1-R5phvC-94dP6i-Sn7UvZ-9tHezG-8hQyfV-cuDQVJ-gwmAC2-R5pguQ-oECXxc-cuDNHf-86xaeG-9EjZ1i-dmcXhk-T86436-dmd2qU-TQeprb-dmd1DQ-dmcUzP-9BgGsw-dcSXHK-dKb2sK-adFb8q-n7gTEn-cuEziq-6jtyBF-gDKEpJ-rRpmAh-oGo3ik-9g61hG-SaWsBX-gwmN7H-cuDRE5
I believe that the key to healthy sanity is in personally valuing what we do. If I feel that tidying up the Lego  is drudgery or not worth my time, or what servants should be doing for me, or it should stay tidied up because I tidied it up ever... I'm going to have no difficulty slipping into the misery of unfairness, of being asked too much, of not being wealthy enough to own slaves or not being appreciated enough by others who should see Lego tidying as more valuable than I do.

This is the core of the problem with grades and praise and employee reviews and rewards and awards: they take the onus for appreciation off the person doing the work and put it 'out there' --where the tangibility of the smart thing said in the board room first has to be acknowledged as such by others. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/paolodeangelis/12610410814/in/photolist-7R321i-S6sPCd-gieWS-ejBgp-VGpkY8-QToNBh-pfGmXs-V274Vg-WnDXFH-8Q8HhH-hKzBoj-9y1w4Y-T376A3-dFgNxM-eaRrkz-6KtDhx-7tWPHy-2JNN7j-g6pyN2-4rYSd-39TMQZ-h6KiRv-h3qgri-RLNiSt-qsGucR-7RBCQh-s8snXL-T81vqu-cCz9ss-7p84hw-4mJqVr-4rFvyg-hKjEft-g3Z3Lu-bPZKeF-2mCB5x-c9qSnC-fyG2jo-kdkDN7-7GiatG-c9qQLJ-4gcSrS-SVvQ5c-o8jGe3-c9qQNE-9zuy7y-ejB6Y-iMQvZS-fyG29f-cdBDDW

When an accomplishment has at all to do with being seen by others, then I can feel exactly the same kind of tangible sense of accomplishment by saying something brilliant to a child, or even to myself in the kitchen... because it's either smart or it isn't, who hears it cannot be related.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/gesika22/6463222445/in/photolist-7GsMtp-aR8GRK
I suspect that what many mothers feel the lack of is the pats on the back. 

When one is required to seek to find ones own sense of accomplishment, it challenges something we've come to believe is necessary for the functioning of the galaxy: an external witness. 

Yet, a huge part of self-esteem is being able to see, and value, ourselves accurately without relying on external praise or rewards to prop us up.

After my first was born, I went through an interesting change of heart. While I used to believe that what I did at work was valuable and a good use of my time, and worth what I got paid for it, I came to discover that it wasn't. In fact, it went from feeling important to feeling irrelevant. Anyone could move that paper around, answer that phone effectively, transfer those calls, write those reports, organize that workflow --only I could mother my daughter. I felt for the first time that what I was doing actually mattered, both in terms of what it was I was doing, and that it was me doing it.

From that initial discovery, my self-esteem came to be linked very closely with what I thought was valuable, not what other people might see, or think, or believe. So, my house is messy --and my children are loved and healthy and nurtured. The laundry really piles up, and I nurture my family with food made with care and love, skill and knowledge. The dandelions on the lawn are thriving, and I have nothing better to do with my energy than sit up until 3:35 a.m. talking with my 21 year old daughter about her day, her friends, her thoughts and her discoveries.

One of my tangible accomplishments has always been that the week ended with people who experienced many great moments, laid down some excellent memories, have fun stories to tell and deep connections between them. How can a job, a paycheque or a employee award, or the applause of the board compete with that?