“How do I find the right words to
explain ______ to my ____ -year-old?”
The question comes up frequently, on
parenting lists, in groups, at events. Implied in this question is,
often, “How do I fit the words and concepts into my child's head so
s/he will know everything necessary on the subject at 20 without
overwhelming them now or leaving anything out?”
My short answer is 'you don't.'
The slightly longer answer is 'you
don't all at once.'
Amongst my friends and family we have
what apparently is quite a unique conversational style. As far as I
can tell it's uncommon to revisit a conversation that's been had
already-- for any reason--at a later date. I find this quite
bizarre.
Many a topic-opener in conversations
with a very long-time friend is 'remember we were talking about blah
blah blah a few years/months/days/hours/minutes ago?' We restart
conversations, kind of in the middle, as new information is
discovered, new thoughts or ideas are formed or found out there in
the world, or just because we're not satisfied with our understanding
or expression of our thoughts on the subject.
Since this was a normal kind of
conversation for my kids to be around for, whether or not they were
listening, there was always a strong underlying reality in our world:
the subject is not closed, no one has had the final word on the
topic, and there are many reasons to re-visit the issue.
So, instead of feeling like I had to
explain sex and death and taxes and drugs and etiquette and tact
versus lying, or whatever, once and for all... I always knew the
conversation was developing. Developing because the thumbnail answer
any 3yo can absorb at a time isn't ever going to be the way the same
child will comprehend the subject at 8 or 13 or 22 (or 48 or 77...)
and that means the discussion continues more or less where it left
off the next time there is some reason to talk about it.
Reasons for restarting a conversation:
- I saw in the news
- that movie we just watched
- a story book we are reading
- someone else was talking about it and mentioned a new way (to me) to think about it
- I stumbled upon new information online
- someone else was talking about it and said ______
- your friend is dealing with the same thing now
- another death in the social circle or celebrity media
- I was thinking about what you, I, or they said the last time we talked
- it seemed like the conversation ended abruptly because of some kind of interruption, and we aren't finished with it... so, as I was saying . . . .
