Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts

Monday 5 October 2015

Parenting is Hard, resisting makes it harder

4213466221_8c57f2309e_oThe child is standing screaming hateful words, throwing things, biting, scratching, kicking, hitting… totally gone ‘feral,’ as a friend calls it.

Everyone who has ever seen one will recognize this as an extreme temper tantrum, and just what they look like in a child older than about 3 (and adults.)

There are a lot of theories about how to handle a child whose brain has gone offline, and who is now fully out of control of all higher level brain functions. My personal favourite means is ‘don’t get there in the first place,’ but sometimes shit happens.

When it happens, it is popular to try to ‘stop it’ by doing common things.

Like the withdrawal of support and affection (sending to rooms, etc.) until the emotional expressions are all happy. Yay drugs! Choose uppers.

Like yelling. Yes, because yelling is going to calm anyone’s brain down.

Spanking has its advocates, because that won’t further overload anyone’s sensory input channels. It may push their brain into a traumatized fugue state, which probably looks like ‘it worked’ to some people who don’t know what that brain state means…

Counter-intuitively, what actually works is describing what is going on, in words.

You are really frustrated because that didn’t go your way.

How infuriating! You just want it to not have broken.

It is really important to you to get the red cup!

2698598542_4c36e163ed_oIt feels like this method will ‘give permission’ for horrible behaviour. Kids don’t think that way, so that can be dismissed without really being addressed.

It also feels like this will amplify the feelings instead of eradicate them (the goal of the three options most often recommended by ‘experts,’ as listed above) It won’t, and I can tell you why:

When you have room in your world for the expression and understanding of emotions, they don’t hang around. Emotions are like hunger: feel and understand the message of the emotion and it dissipates, just as hunger dissipates with feeding.

So, instead of leaning away from emotions hoping they’ll just go away (or trying to shout them away, ‘cause really: how can that work?) stop resisting.

The emotion is the whole reality for this child right now, with absolutely no room for the child’s tiny body to hold anything else: learning, ‘getting it,’ the message behind punishment, ‘thinking about it,’ or ‘their attention’ to be on anything but this huge emotional reality.

Yes, even if it is something ‘silly’ like the colour of the cup.

It’s not about the colour of the cup, it’s about the feelings provoked by not getting the colour right, by not being able to decide which colour is right or not being allowed or able to pick the right colour, by frustration, disappointment, rage, grief, sadness, fury, and even by simply being totally overwhelmed by having to make a decision that doesn’t matter –again—about an issue that doesn’t matter but that stops the flow of everything until it’s decided.

It’s not about the cup, it’s about the feelings.

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Thursday 23 June 2011

Chores and Underlings: What Works

 

Surrender works so well in so many areas of parenting (and life) –it is when we stop struggling with reality that we find ease and peace.

One note for clarification: surrender is not sacrifice. Sacrifice is for martyrs, not people who seek happiness, effectiveness, joy, peace, connection or love. Martyrs may get admiration . . . maybe. But what they will get is resentment, avoidance, criticism (which is ironic, because they seek to avoid it) and derision.

Regarding chores, there are several aspects of surrender necessary to create a peaceful and healthy home:

Surrender to the reality of time constraints

You can do it all, just not all at once. Priorities need to be evaluated so you’re not wasting your life –or trying to waste anyone else’s—on things you don’t genuinely value

Surrender to the necessity of the task

Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water
After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water

There will be no time in your life when feeding and cleaning does not need to be done, however much modern conveniences ease the work. Accept that it must be done, without end.

Surrender to the real equality

All people need feeding and cleaning: of all the base, common and menial drudgery, none can be less exalted than ‘voiding bladder and bowel.’ We all get to do that with part of our days – 5 cent/hour garbage pickers in Brazil and $30,000/minute superstar athletes, and everyone in between. You can value this real aspect of life or revile it, but no one else is far enough beneath you to have to do it for you.

It is deeply disrespectful of humans to hold the opinion that the work is beneath you but not them.

Surrender to the power of mindless repetition –and hard work

All the effort spent (and technology invented) just to avoid the peace and ease of simple, repetitive work…

The dedication modern folk give to avoiding some of the easiest and most instantly-gratifying work available is amazing. A cleaned plate is clean: visibly, obviously and it is ‘finished.’ So much work is never done, has no clear product or is so complex and involves so many people that our part in it is (or feels) both invisible and impersonal. A clean plate is clean. A planted garden is planted. A cooked meal is completed.

Surrender to the fleeting nature of life

Yes, the meal will be eaten and the plate will once again need cleaning, but such is the nature of life. What is it that, once done, need never be redone or will never be undone? A singer walks off the stage and the song has ended. It can be re-sung, of course, but that performance is over. Even a recording of the thing is not the thing –it was live with a live audience and now it is a recording of both. Why is that less distressing than the laundry that needs re-washing?

Find the joys in doing, not in only having done. Life is a process, not a product.

Surrender to the chaos

Unless you seek to live alone forever, chaos will always be your roommate. Other people are ‘other’ –they see things differently, they react because they have a different perspective. The desire to live in peaceful harmony forever precludes living with other humans at any age.

Even if you did not understand the deal you were signing up for, the decision to have children comes with the built-in guarantee of a life filled with chaos. Will you fight it like it’s an unwanted intruder, or accept it as the inevitability it is, like static or dust?

Surrender, finally, to your own personal preferences

Do what you will, as you will.

It is only within this freedom and self-respect that you can find worth in your work –and free others to see the worth in the work you do, and perhaps even find value in doing it themselves.

The secret of children happily cooperating in their own homes is an atmosphere of joy, worthiness and respect which cannot be found in an atmosphere of dictatorial superiority.

A parent who finds himself sneering at the idea of washing a floor cannot be surprised by a child’s distaste for the task. Equally, a man happily engaged in nurturing his family through meal preparations may well find cooperative bodies eager to share the room and help.

Joy, enthusiasm and a sense of an important job well done are all attractive, and contagious. When you feel resistance from your kids, check to see how you really feel about the work. . . and if you believe it is necessary to do at all.

Wednesday 22 June 2011

The Debate: Kids and Chores–Part 3

A whole family

Be it resolved that the truth of kids doing chores is: ‘we all need to work as a family.’

How do you know that’s true?
--it’s self-evident: it’s our home and we need to work together for it to be peaceful and healthy

A bit of a circle of logic, there, but how ‘healthy’ is it to put kids in a position of opposition to the people they need to live? How peaceful is it to order people around? How peaceful do you find resistance and rebellion?
--we’re all equal in our home

Y’are not. Who selects which chores are really on the list? Who has veto?
--well, someone has to lead!

Doubtless. Does it always get to be the same person?

‘Leadership’ engages voluntary cooperation. Dictatorship engages ‘doesn’t matter how you feel about it’ obedience (and resistance and rebellion.) What do you do when they choose not to participate?

Perhaps more importantly, what are they allowed to do when you choose not to participate?

Tuesday 21 June 2011

The Debate: Kids and Chores–Part 2

I need a break…

Be it resolved that the truth of kids doing chores is ‘mom/dad needs a break.’

How do you know that’s true?
--I/we work hard

Good. Hard work is good for people, especially their mental health.

What’s mom/dad ‘needing a break’ got to do with kids?
--they can help, so they should

Sorry, that’s a syllogism: you can, too, so you should do it.
--there aren’t enough hours in the day, they have to pitch in

There are 24 hours in every day which you can spend any way you choose. Your time should be spent on your priorities: if it’s important to you, do it. If it is less important to you… why should anyone else do it?
--my skills and talents are far superior to the work, someone whose time is less valuable should do menial work

Therefore, let’s not be coy: a child’s time is less valuable to you than yours is, so they can do the less valuable tasks to free you up to do the more meaningful and valuable and rewarding tasks with your much more worthwhile life, yes?

Could you demonstrate how your time is more valuable to your children than their time is to them? Or perhaps argue simply that your life is more valuable than theirs, and with it you are entitled to leisure time that they are not?
--well, I pay them for chores, so I clearly value them

Do you pay them what their time is worth to them or what your time is worth to you? Or a couple of bucks? Or a quarter?

Monday 20 June 2011

The Debate: Kids and Chores --Part 1

They need to learn it…

Be it resolved that the truth of kids doing chores is ‘they need to learn how.’

How do you know that’s true?
-- because all adults need to know

Okay, without referring to all the adults who hire out that work to pros, let’s pretend that’s true: how long would it take an adult to learn to sweep a floor or wash a toilet? Ten minutes? Fifteen if they had to add a lecture on cleaning supplies and tools?

How long do you think the training is for a professional maid to be completely qualified? A week? Three days? Half a day? How is this an argument for eight-year-olds doing the same task even once a month?

Sunday 19 June 2011

Chores & Underlings: Attitude

Question 1. How can I improve my kids’ attitudes toward helping out at home?
Answer 1. Check your attitude. The odds are excellent that your kids are mirroring, venting or just showing you yours.
Question 1.a. My attitude is excellent: I know it needs to be done, I know it’s ‘work now, play later.’ I know it’s important to get things done.
Answer 1.a. I’m not hearing ‘I enjoy and value this work while I’m doing it –I plan it and look forward to it.’
Question 1.b. What kind of nutcase feels that way about cleaning toilets?
Answer 1.b. You’d be amazed –but it’s the attitude you want someone to tell you how to install in your kids. If you can’t find it within reality, how on earth can they?

Thursday 16 June 2011

Chores & Underlings: Obedience


Question 1. How can I make my child listen?
Answer 1. You mean 'obey.'
Question 1.a. No, no, no, not at all.
Answer 1.a. Oh, yes, you do. You just shy from the word 'obey.' You still mean 'how can I make my kid do what I want my kid to do?
Question 1.b. Well, okay... maybe. But how?
Answer 1.b.  Go back to the beginning and order a child with the Voice Command Software pre-installed. Sorry, it is not available aftermarket. There is no app for that.

Question 2. 


Why do my kids do what the teacher (scout leader, neighbours, etc.) tell them to do and it never works for me?
Answer 2. Because your kid trusts you. You can destroy that, if obedience is more important...
Question 2.a. No, no, I don't want obedience, I just want them to _______________[fill in blank]
Answer 2.a. Yes: you want them to obey orders.

Tuesday 8 February 2011

2.1 Choices --Thinking About Parenting Styles

It is with glee that I notice, once again, that I'm way over the edge over here on the coast... I wouldn't do (or recommend) doing any of the three choices given by beagreatparent.ca, as quoted in an article from St. Catharine's The Standard... click on that link if you want to read the full article, but this is the segment I'm commenting on today:
Your toddler and her friend are fighting over a doll.
When the friend pulls it away from her, your daughter punches the girl and grabs it back.
Do you:
Take the doll away and explain to the girls that they can have it back when they can share and play nicely together?
Do nothing. After all, it is your daughter's doll. Her friend can find something else to play with; kids need to sort out their own problems.
Take the doll away and tell your daughter that you're selling it in a garage sale. She can start saving her allowance if she wants it back.*
The first is 'strict' parenting, the second is 'permissive' and the third is labeled (mis-labeled, in my opinion) 'balanced.' What the third option really is, though, is just as controlling and authoritarian as the first. Different, but the same end of the spectrum. 2.1 options, not three.
 
When a child is struggling for ownership over her object --with anyone-- it just can't be a parent's job to take possession of the object. Unless what the parent really means is 'none of your stuff is actually yours.' It doesn't matter if the object is removed forever or if it can be purchased back from the thief: 

It is either the child's possession or it is not.
 
Think about this in the context of the society we actually live in: you and your neighbour have a dispute over half of a driveway that is owned by one party. Does the court step in, take it away and rent out the space to just anyone until the actual owner buys it back, with a threat to sell it if they don't pony up fast enough? 

Why are we teaching children that anyone who considers themselves an authority gets to 'own' their objects until they're satisfied that atonement has been made sufficient to the infraction?

Three things:
  1. Children do not learn to share in an environment where they own or control nothing. All the energy they might have to share something with genuine generosity is spent in fighting for, confirming and protecting their ownership.
  2. We do not live in a 'sharing' culture --it's a fun idea, but no one is allowed to come to your house and use whatever they want for however they want whenever they are there. Here is an example: I'm sending a friend over later to get your car... you can have it back when she's done with it, in whatever condition she happens to leave it. This is, of course, fine because you were taught to share, right? Is it different because it's a 5 year old, or is it only because their stuff is not valuable to anyone but them?
  3. There is a sliding scale of extremely strict to a more balanced style of authoritarian parenting. The key is whether or not someone other than the child is seeking to control what the child does, what the child thinks or what is important to the child... the question to ask is 'what if the child still doesn't do what the parent wants?' The answer to that clears up any doubt that this is about command and control, carrot and stick parenting, whether it uses the rapport-building manipulative communication styles or straight-up ordering kids around.
There is no real 'third option' in this article... just one point on the permissive end and two points on the strict/authoritarian end and one at the other end.

Which is unfortunate, because there is a third option.
__________________________
*Toddler, seriously? We're going to make a toddler 'save their allowance and buy it back'? A toddler?!
__________________________________
Photo used with permission (Creative Commons license, attributed) Sharing by PlatinumBlondeLIfe

Monday 18 January 2010

How Not Yelling Makes for Peaceful Parenting

helping mothers since 1961
Long ago, I attended a La Leche League Canada Area Conference. It was a cooperative event, with all attendees asked to help run the show. I was involved in the registration --it was my assignment-- so I know that there were far more than 200 people in attendance, from 8:30 to 5:30 the first day, 8:30 am to 9pm the second day and from 8:30 to 4 the final day.

creative commons Attrib/Non-Deriv License, 2009Beyond being a great deal of fun, there was something... odd about the experience. It took me nearly two days to figure out what it was.

Of course, it was a La Leche League conference on the West Coast, which lent it an odd air of super-granola in virtually every aspect, but I was used to the Islanders and their homemade soap lifestyles. The oddness was something else. Then I figured it out:

No one (seriously: no one!) was yelling at their kids

Virtually everyone attending had kids with them, with few exceptions of national office-level representatives, and one of the Founding Mothers who by that point had a handful of grandchildren and I'm sure wouldn't have thought of towing them to a conference.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/143513894@N04/27258209425/in/photolist-HwHs12-Turvuh-93nGP4-fDvBBk-dyV6rQ-PCZfq-dTVNmK-WATzHX-Ds9Ume-boWcAU-Awswq-2fqC2-79xHCG-79xH8U-emN4Hc-nR7DPm-cqnqR-anSRLL-QKiDJ4-8rZ1wP-bnAD7N-5NVRj7-93nsPk-93nETp-93nnAZ-bBRuHg-93noCH-a8Ytyf-bVpjeZ-bBR5QZ-5fr578-93nAe4-9YKzUa-V3i53c-bhFEHi-ivaNgx-8uHtCp-boWzZb-boWcbd-4DMFTL-dJWvXx-TbQFky-2oQVVM-zMEVx-AwsrF-5k63fT-79xHhN-DeAXXx-UB3b5G-aamaMG


Some of the kids were yelling. Some were melting down completely. 

But no adult in the whole building for the whole weekend yelled at any child anywhere I could see.




To say I was astonished is an understatement. I don't think the possibility of not yelling in life had ever occurred to me. While I certainly didn't make it to my kids' late teens without ever yelling at them, or about them, or near them... the conference opened up the possibility in my head that yelling was optional, not natural or necessary.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/lancesh/5872323589/in/photolist-9WVcdr-ccHYYL-oZiYTd-UN73He-6JMMkb-amX1dp-7YJqM8-C77en-cq1dW7-MCsfr-U3M2Kj-o8cugC-4zEg6N-2V2uSq-optAJc-8SxTyh-y9VmB5-esnRJ-cqB46h-4d4pno-aEyqaL-5AvCPD-h2Lox8-6C6yb1-o2fjQh-pZZf3D-ihZso-5fvx2f-8mKmv3-6Ws8Y2-7XnJQ5-WATzHX-CchJS-QwvEjB-a8n6RD-71WM9C-cfx6jQ-bhFEHi-9wdKdC-fZrFM-3KAvRU-pY4m2a-8q4DB2-4YMLLB-kfJnfu-6Un1H6-9njgip-jNSMHB-37jD8G-9w5oiV
I'm sure lots of those parents who attended yelled at their kids at some point or other. Why not there?

I think there were two things: a basic premise that yelling wasn't going to help anything anyhow, coupled with a tremendously child-friendly, family-supportive atmosphere. There weren't spaces where kids were expected or encouraged to behave like mini adults (or like they don't exist at all). And that, to me, seems like the core of peaceful parenting.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/kyletaylor/239090527/in/photolist-n8pht-dTuMuX-mLMrUp-c4Uy8C-7PfanR-fMyoJc-Hfjr2-5sdxbQ-cCSNS7-3S6WwZ-fMQVUm-dvQXnz-fMQYnJ-fMQTzA-7PjuHo-CvnzRz-FtNbQg-fMQXwU-fMyonX-c4UE9w-fMykQT-9yNuSn-fMQTkE-fMQVto-NK1rz-8qufvV-fMymy4-fMQW4E-bCLEj9-ei1GvK-fMyjHX-fMQTao-rZQzf-dvQWUz-zb8PR-fMQSVN-bvSYKe-7Z3DWZ-8hmW6H-fMyjvX-6uRsGo-bvSU3g-bvT1Lx-bvT3b2-CT8ys-bvT2gr-bvT2Yg-fMyjUe-tWCtJ-8mTsMs
There is something inherently violent in the premise that children should, or can, be 'little adults.' The very idea insults the core of who they really are: children. 

If they were adults, they'd have fully-formed adult bodies and fully-formed adult brains, they'd understand things the way adults do and would do things the way adults do. But they don't. 

They can't. 

Because they aren't. And they aren't going to just because we have a whole society convinced it's how it should be.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/clairity/1331662653/in/photolist-32F7UV-dXkUQj-nFCnVM-8K3AgZ-9wCC4o-s9iZcn-hfC3bf-rn51RK-hfBukR-n5rywL-auDME-hfDr3H-9Tq1Ft-7JJYxQ-9SbKyz-8bHt4E-8uFnPG-3VEYkF-5VWdMG-o4Ze4g-3UKF1f-2jbckH-3j78EJ-8K3z8P-3UTq24-nT8BJf-8uCgQx-4X2AnW-8uCiaP-8uFoFL-9fypY8-mZH72a-9gxMce-8uChe6-edoss-3UTtSP-spBnJ-hEmuLf-oFKq4s-y8tru-3UThsa-3UXu3G-n5pQVn-8uCkqi-8uFmQb-6VzX3w-3VG5iB-3UTmjB-6sjKSc-8tZj7j
Believing that it is somehow aberrant to create an environment that acknowledges --even welcomes-- childhood's different needs, different pace, different lifestyle; that's just normal here these days. Encouraging violence, whether verbal or physical, is commonplace in the realm of 'how to raise children' advice and theory --even in clinical psychology.

How do we argue that it is possible to raise peaceful children through violence?

Wednesday 13 August 2008

Are Children Valuable People? Who is Allowed to Waste Their Time?


https://www.flickr.com/photos/wecometolearn/8066863117/in/photolist-dhQMmR-62Yv2h-8vBVYM-5EaGa6-3Wm4s-djaFxZ-pBAxjJ-pBCot6-8vBVXt-oKz53c-eF3mLA-ipytp-56sJzo-56sBsh-56or7c-56oyV6-a3Pdjy-8vBVUB-nuJMy8-aBpGDL-9MpRbq-4qNk5S-4KgiQw-9reDhr-conecb-dTW2xo-8uYX59-bHZuW6-9wYYMh-kVUSH-7WkVn6-niaHHt-8uVTqx-pk7BLi-hN1djZ-6ZDBnt-8WkzRS-du35bh-pk8JmQ-56oxxZ-rWv6dk-8vEXiu-56sCMC-3bfXUE-56owBt-56sKe9-56otwx-56sJMq-56oxii-56oqng
Way back in the olden days, I took a series of tests. In fact, I was taken out of class regularly to do a lot of tests. For months. The tests were to find out if I should skip a grade. Isn't that the coolest, aren't I amazing? I was in 4th grade. The lowest placement on the tests was grade 8 math, because I didn't have any idea what algebra was. The average placement was university, second year. Clearly, skipping a grade was going to be pointless, to say the least.

Spin forward a lot of years... until quite recently, actually. When a person is thoroughly indoctrinated into some idea by true cultural cohesiveness surrounding it, sometimes it takes a really long time to see through it. Or, rather -- gee for someone supposedly smart, it took me a long time to twig to this...

I had essentially finished high school and first year university when I was 9, except I dipped the math.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/efleming/1404773803/in/photolist-398QiZ-q7FgWt-oqYWpW-8xmA6k-nGS36F-QxiwkF-eoxkzY-gwmFi5-gwm16W-4Xdq9T-C1N8fb-r3ad4w-FHEhG9-PDJgQm-9wo5fM-r84kdp-HRvTso-LJLR9q-5WCKNm-6SqLAh-4JvWvc-QivXAL-5CzECP-9HXky9-f6mD9-nBVgjW-cty1Eq-6Q1PWA-pybpSe-do76eT-55gAWq-5YKs81-qBfYRa-72eVwc-4Y39XE-afczeJ-eZ12b-DREaNo-Hz7xdK-9tXPSo-8VwEgr-Mmqop-5ceyMw-5FBAeu-jhzsvq-fbtPbH-AvfgH-MJpTs-haRmwg-5GrTtM
Now, here's the funny part. Or, rather the part that I've only recently stopped gritting my teeth about: 
since it was pointless to move up a year, and it's completely acceptable to waste any child's time, I got to do the next 8 years anyhow
Nope, I haven't stopped gritting my teeth about that. It still makes me really, really mad.

Now, check your response to that: a 9-year-old challenged and passed the exams to complete first year university, what should that child do tomorrow? Oh, just finish the rest of grade 4. 

Perhaps upon consideration, that's a bit silly. 

But, what, then? 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/stan0/7296976548/in/photolist-a9vd6-c7NUUu-ei4vHr-pN7nmE-oeeLy1-6A9NPi-7YFXMQ-nAe7hG-5Xc9sj-6JsLCo-6HoRms-oqqPg3-bxPEJi-bHvJUi-pt682Y-pt65B7-7wWrLr-6SPWzP-5oaw9d-pbcQmL-5Xc9yS-atPNy5-aHjngD-bunogu-6BisPW-pajQfP-abT6VK-iQzSPk-pt41Tk-di7SLS-7htNPd-5Zb9G-qJsF3e-6JZJ76-5Dd1W4-di7SvS-di7RLE-orYn1M-7NZtPw-bgaZcD-4MGdor-6b7Lov-7M7u8e-jGuSKb-aCcaZ7-oz4e7x-xS8Lh-49w8Fp-9Q3dD-72HXhX

Too young to go to university, obviously (is that really that obvious? Or is it just a really, really ordinary way of thinking about something we simply do not think about much?) 

Certainly can't just 'hang out' -- imagine the dangers to society, having unemployed children out wandering around after they've finished learning everything the schools hope to teach... yeah. Imagine. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/rickmccharles/17374957455/in/photolist-stncvZ-e7Q2RY-raQVte-c7McPm-89um12-5RDH7q-QNXnix-coNxc9-Qg5n7J-qTwVUK-qdYMfY-eceKad-aQaU4a-5LryG6-e6q7hK-554Mdi-e7JX1p-ec96jV-aQN2gR-dB5SXs-8nKyxw-gWQgTu-HYws7P-4rnvC8-4Wd5GF-JUVn9z-dS4Mh1-dUZDu2-en5j1R-dzNH27-dAZqrk-7nrUh2-7nyhhc-aqSfd1-JRTjkw-dUZDpZ-JGRsFo-BdkMc3-H1CBP9-Jt55JX-Jt2z2e-Jt4Dtg-JYrqam-Kpqhpt-Kht5va-KmwZnN-JYmyS1-Kpnjcc-JsYhz2-Kmu1yG

Can't work (there are laws about interfering with a child's...uh... education.... um.)

It is acceptable in our society to waste a child's life any way any authority happens to see fit, and this is the perfect example: 9 years old, already done everything (except math) that will be required for the next 8 or 9 years, and, well... who cares? 

It's not as if a child has anything valuable to do with her time.
It isn't like the child's life is valued.
This is the most pervasive form of de-humanizing discrimination in our society today.

Virtually no one will speak up against boring teachers, boring or outdated coursework, poor textbooks, unnecessarily repetitive tasks, waiting around for 6 years while the rest of the class fails to catch up, or spending 13 years floundering over their heads with material they may never understand... 
Because even if it is a total waste of time, so what?
Children aren't important enough to don't have anything important to do.
Imagine a doctor, who'd passed every test and licence exam, being required to continue taking the classes that were designed to help her pass the exams, for an additional 9 years, because she wasn't 37 yet. 

What does 37 have to do with it?

Exactly. 

What does 18 have to do with it? More to the point, what on earth does being 9 have to do with it?